too quiet
by Chloe Masen
Summary: Edward left to give Bella a better life. A life full of beautiful noise. This is what she was really left with.
1. Chapter 1

it's too quiet

i can hear the ticking of the clock in the kitchen even though i am three rooms away

i can hear the creaks of the floorboards in the attic even though no feet have moved over them in over three months

i can hear the sun talking to the moon as they light the skies of the world simultaneously

i can hear the flutter of birds' wings outside the window

the rustle of leaves on the trees beyond it even though no wind blows

i can hear my eyelashes geet each other and then say goodbye again with every blink though i don't have to blink at all

i can hear everything

but the one thing i want to

the _life _i want to

because Edward walked out of mine

because of what _he _could hear

and what i couldn't

he could hear my heartbeat

my blood travel through my veins

i _couldn't _hear his

because he didn't have either

and though he wanted to hear mine...

something i know no matter what he said...

he left so he couldn't anymore

and so–though i couldn't possibly have heard the traveling path of any man's blood–my life wouldn't be too quiet

that i wouldn't live it without the sound of more than my own heartbeat

without the sound of another

or any

he left me so i would hear noise

loud and boisterous

like a man's love and passion

and sweet and innocent

like the children's' laughter that might have been born from it

it's what he left me for...

a life of beautiful noise

but not what he left me with

not at all

because after he left...

the silence of his footsteps away from me the only thing i could hear...

someone else came

someone else whose heartbeat i couldn't hear

and who took away mine

something that Edward never wanted

and wasn't willing to take from me himself

but that he did

because he left me vulnerable

so that someone else could

before they left me too

with this quiet that's far too

and far too loud

because wherever Edward went...

it's too far away to hear it

or me

because i can't make a sound


	2. Chapter 2

2.

i never thought about what it would feel like to burn alive

i never wanted to know

but i do now

know perhaps

and think

because i think it would feel like this

this thing that took the noise away

this process of becoming

of giving me sound i never before heard

because before this i was just burning alive in ordinary

a slow low ordinary simmer

that never hurt me

until Edward came and turned up the flame

made my simmer bubble into a rolling boil

and then left it

took his extraordinary self and went far away from it

and me

i'd never wanted to be anything else but what i was

ordinary was fine with me

good enough

for me and the people who loved me

until it wasn't

for one of them

not because he saw me as lacking anything or missing

but because he saw himself as and didn't want me to

miss anything

anything but him

not that he wanted me to miss him...

he didn't

he didn't want me to anything but forget

forget he ever existed at all

something impossible for the ordinary girl i was

and still

for the one i'm not anymore

technically anyway

the sound i hear makes me extraordinary i think

and the burning i feel

that even though is excruciating...

isn't only

because in some strange way makes me feel closer to Edward

who must have felt it once too

fire in his veins instead of nothing

extraordinary death instead of ordinary life

and heard...

the quiet

of too much noise

and none at all

there are seconds when i forget...

everything but how much it hurts

and silently beg for mercy

and an end

to everything

but then i see his face

the way it looked just before he walked away from me

and the ordinary he desperately wanted me to stay

because to him it wasn't at all

and when i see him...

the way he looked

his breathtakingly beautiful face that was surpassed only by the beautiful heart below it that he claimed not to have

i stop begging

stop being weak and ordinary

and challenge that fire to finish me

dare it to melt it _all _away

the ordinary old

so i can start being the new

the extraordinary

and the strong enough

to shatter the quiet that's too

with the sound of me

rolling

boiling

ROARING

ready

me

**..tq..**

**you get it now, right? that thing i confused you with yesterday? my words aren't always literal in their meaning. some of you are probably used to that with me... but i think some of you here for this are new, so... **

**but new to me or old... welcome. and thank you for being here. and for your support. this is very different for me, the extraordinary element... but i'm excited to delve into different. well... _deeper_. ;)**

**see you soon i hope.**


	3. Chapter 3

**short one. well, short_er_ (without my before and after blah blah blahing). because i have a much longer something to work on that i'm hoping to get finished today.**

3.

that damn clock in the kitchen never stops ticking

and i hear every thundering second of the never

because i'm a different kind

of ticking

and never

i'd never been afraid of dying

not really

and when i thought i was

i welcomed it

looked forward to it even

because i wasn't living anyway

because everyone i loved was already dead

and gone

and i don't just mean the Edward kind of dead and gone...

and the me now

the first anyway

the kind you're forced to live with when dead decides it for you

i mean the _real_

and the final

the kind of dead and gone that can't not be

the kind that can't come back

and that hears nothing

no chirping of birds

no buzzing of bees

no crashing of waves

or rustling of leaves

no happy

no sad

and no ticking

because time stopped for them

and _here _wasn't a choice anymore

never would be again

my dad is that kind of dead and gone now

and my best friend Jake

the only two people i had left to love and love me after Edward made his choice to not and to not let me

that brought me here

_back _here

because they weren't there anymore

and here was the last place i felt alive

because it was the last place that Edward was with me in

even though he left me here...

he _brought _me first

and put me

before everything else

before he decided that by doing that he wasn't

i was never afraid of dying...

but now that i'm dead...

i'm afraid to live

because that damn ticking never stops

and never will

because time will _never _stop for me

and i'm afraid

as i run on new legs past that ticking clock in the kitchen...

the beating hearts of my only companions now–and my only _sustenance–_beckoning to me to find them...

will never again begin

**..tq..**

**interesting thoughts and theories coming in... some of you think she's really angry. with Edward specifically. maybe... but you'll have to keep reading, i suppose, to find out if you're right. if you're still interested enough to want to know.**

**AND... the fuckAWESOME banner for this was just minutes ago delivered to me by the also fuckAWESOME MinaRivera. i'll have it up on my fb momentarily if you want to see it. did i mention it was fuckAWESOME? like you guys are for being here. xo**


	4. Chapter 4

4.

whose shell is this?

this one that looks like mine but isn't?

this one that's more perfect now than _im_?

and neither at all

i thought Edward was perfect

the way he was

just that way

the way that he thought was so wrong

and so not

so, like i was, _im_

i couldn't have wanted him to be any way but the way he was

the only way i'd ever known him

the only way i loved him

but could he?

want me?

in another?

in this?

this way i am now?

that's just like the way he is?

could he _love _this?

would he still if he saw?

if he knew?

what i'd become?

he loved the human things about me

the alive

the sounds of me

my heart

my running and dancing blood

and the feel

those same things he could hear and others

more

he loved the temperature of me

my skin

the warmth of it

and the texture of me

the softness

even though it scared him

because the lightest touch of his not could leave a bruise on it

a mark

but he could do that without touching me at all

leave a mark

_his_

with a look or a word or a smile

he could change me

my sound

because he made my heart beat faster

and my pale

because he could turn it pink

reminding him everyday how alive i was

not that he needed reminding

he always knew it

and never wanted not to

hear it and feel it and see it

it's why i'm afraid instead of not now

because that alive he loved is gone

the warmth, the drum, and the hue of it

of _me_...

left me with my last breath

left me...

like he did

left me...

alone


	5. Chapter 5

**a few things at the bottom. read them please. after this.**

5.

no one knows where i am

where this place is

this place that was ours

before it was just mine

no one but Edward

it's what i tell myself

lie to myself about

because someone does

and made sure i knew it

and that i wasn't alone

before i was

and after i was before that

it's what i wanted...

and waited for

someone to know

to _see_

and to tell someone else who couldn't

see what they saw

to tell Edward

but it's not what i got

because he's not the one who came

and i don't understand it

the things that happened to me

and the one thing i wanted and waited for and hoped and dreamed would that didn't

why didn't Alice see me?

or if she did why didn't she tell him?

i'd lost everything

had it taken away

ripped

surely she must have seen that?

before it even came?

and became my reality?

Alice is Edward's sister

in this of their lives

the one that doesn't tie and bind them by blood

not their own anyway though they have none at all that could

and she sees things...

Alice...

before they happen

her gift, he called it

in this life of none

so why didn't she come?

why didn't he?

surely she _must _have seen

me

this way or the way i was before this

the way that–though i don't blame him or any of them for–i am _because _of

because i let extraordinary into my life

_gifts_

without judgement or doubt

hate or fear

rationality or sanity

he didn't want to change me but he did

i was changed the second i saw him across the room the first time

changed irrevocably

like now

like i was again because i was

so why is nothing different?

why am i _still _just the way he left me?

why is the ticking the only thing i can hear?

of clocks and fur-covered heartbeats?

why are they my only company?

still?

why is soundless not the only thing i am now?

why am i invisible too?

**..tq..**

**the few things...**

**the first is just one i forgot: Stephenie Meyer owns twilight. and vamp Edward. and Alice. and their gifts. Bella, too, of course. i just own what i'm doing with them here.**

**second: the naysayers have arrived. so, to them i say... it's my idea and my story. i'm going to continue to write it the way i want to–your assumption that i'm an idiot and subsequent suggestion of a beta make you one as far as i'm concerned–and take as long to do it as i see fit. if you don't like the INTENTIONAL (i can't believe i have to make this point) way it's written, then find something to read that you do. and if you think it's _dragging_... AFTER 4 TINY LITTLE CHAPTERS?... then drag yourself away to something else. there's an abundance of instant gratification to be found around here. two pump chumps, so to speak. they certainly don't interest me, but to each their own.**

**and third: for those of you the second doesn't apply to... who 'get' it, and like it (or are at least curious enough to be here and not insult me for it even if you don't)... THANK YOU. i love your open-mindedness. and hearing your thoughts. And hopes. ;)**


	6. Chapter 6

6.

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

that's what Edward said to me before he left me

one of the last sounds of him i heard

and i know that he meant it

for it to be one of the last

and for it to be true

but he didn't know what else i would someday hear when he said it

and what i wouldn't

he wouldn't have left me or said it at all if he did

because Edward would never have wanted me to be like this

this way that i am now

without

and without him

he wanted me to have a better life

but he would never have called this better

me like _this_

and all alone

he wouldn't have left to protect me if he knew his leaving would have harmed me instead

left space for someone to

someone like him

and not at all

and he wouldn't have left if he knew my dad would leave me after

be forced to

he never would have left me to suffer through that

hurt me first before what would second

and then forever

_not _if he knew

and Alice wouldn't have let him

because she wouldn't have let him not know if she did

_why _can't she see me?

Edward's gifted mind could never hear me

but Alice...

she could _always _see

whatever glitch there was in me that kept Edward a deaf prisoner to my thoughts _never _made Alice blind to her own

and my dad...

Alice loved Charlie

she wouldn't have let someone hurt him

and me when that hurt went too far

grew too cruel

and ended

his life and mine as i knew it

the lives that Edward wanted me to keep knowing

chose for me to by not letting me keep him

no...

he _can't_ know

and Alice _can't_ see

because if either of them did

_This is the last time you'll ever see me..._

they'd come for me

no matter what he said

**..tq..**

**i only have one thing this time: i love you guys. thank you. okay, so maybe that was two...**


	7. Chapter 7

7.

nothing is the same

nothing looks

feels

or sounds

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

except for that

the excruciating sound of goodbye

his

that i answered with my own

excruciating

and desperate

cling to our hello

and our nice to meet you

i answered him

with all i had

all i could think of

with _No_s

and _You can't_s

and _Don't do this_es

_Don't leave me_s

_Don't hurt me_s

_Don't destroy me_s

_Don't end_s

_I love you_s

and _You love me too_s

and _I know you do_s

and _I'd do anything for you_s

and _So DON'T do this to me_s

_Please!_

_Edward, PLEASE!_

_DON'T!_

that though i know he did with extraordinary clarity he wouldn't let himself hear

and didn't

as he kissed me goodbye

his cold lips to my warm with agony brow

my forehead

and the top of

and my hair

everywhere

but where i wanted him to

before what i wanted him not to do

and then turned and did it

walked away from it–my everywhere–and me

far and fast

and farther and faster than as i ran after him

until his fast was too for mine

and his far was far enough

and he was gone

into thin air he was just gone

leaving the air around me anything but

because it was thick

hard

and cruel

choking me

gripping

tripping

helping the ground to take me down

not that it needed to

nothing ever needed to help me with that

the ground was a long time companion of mine

because my feet and my legs were enemies to me

cruelly betraying me at every turn

another glitch in me

another thing that just didn't work right

and like Edward didn't listen to a word i said

and did what _they _wanted

put me in my place

beneath them

and with control of nothing

no matter how much i pleaded

begged

for just one shred

for just one thing to work right

go

and be

for me

_that's _different now

one of the not the same

my feet and my legs aren't my enemies anymore

the glitch has been fixed

in them

repaired

the fire burned it away

but still i'm stuck

grounded

just like i was that day

the last time i saw him

before i couldn't

because his had no glitch

and glitchlessly carried him away

to somewhere

far from here

far from me

where

and the way

he would stay

**..tq..**

**my vampella is breaking my heart. thank God i have a happy one somewhere else. a happy _human_ one. happy because she's wearing a pretty white dress. and because her human–though EXTRAORDINARY–Edward is wearing a pretty black something. in that much longer than this thing that i finally finished yesterday. chapter 3 of Right There is up. with that thing–the first–that i made everyone wait forever for. so, if you want to read something to make you smile instead of whatever you're doing from reading this...**

**happy 4th!**


	8. Chapter 8

8.

i never knew that color had a sound

a noise

a tune

or a melody

and each one a different

and distinct

i never knew

when i was the old me

the ordinary

but i know now

that every does

and that there's one i don't like

everywhere i turn i see red

it's not the only color

but it's the one i see most

and hear

everywhere

even when i look in the mirror

my eyes aren't brown anymore

ordinary soundless brown

they're red

a bright extraordinary shade

that screams

like that clock in the kitchen

the red one

that screams too but louder

louder that i chose

and louder because i did

when Edward chose my brown

before he didn't

and before brown i never knew made noise was silenced

this place i see and hear everything is the place where my brown wasn't soundless at all

was beautiful even

the place its beautiful was because it was special

because it's where i felt

and felt hope

hope that i wasn't even conscious of

because i was too happy to think about anything but how much i was

because Edward had brought me to this place to be with me

and to stay

this place that sometimes is nothing but white

peaceful and serene white

a color that i never heard a sound in

unless we made it on

with the crunch of our boots

that walked or ran

lingered or leaped

but always did together

leave our marks

our imprints

on peaceful and serene

in safe and out of the way

of everything but each other

our Alaskan home is covered in snow today

snow that it wasn't under the day he left me here and made it just mine

instead of ours

longing for this white that i know now did have a sound

a lilt

of _laughter_

one i don't hear anymore

because everything looks and sounds like red

a sound that makes me shiver though not from the cold i no longer feel

when i hear it this time

and see it

imprinting in my snow

on my lonely too familiar ground

the one he left me on

and to be

just inside of green

that isn't anymore

and isn't silent

because i see and hear red

**..tq..**

**what do you think she means?**


	9. Chapter 9

9.

the heartbeats i hear never frighten me

never worry or scare

there's no reason for them to

because unlike when i had one of my own

they can't hurt me

the tables have been turned

spun

flipped

and rearranged

soft to hard

weak to strong

feeble to fierce

survival of the fittest i suppose is what it is

a basic instinct

to live

if that's what i'm doing by surviving

by merely being strong enough to

fast enough

dead enough

and heartless

and fearless because i'm all

the heartbeats i hear never frighten me

and i'm not afraid now

of the one i do

and see

and the one that's seeing me

even though it's big

a monstrosity of pulsing flowing red

i'm _not _afraid

it's not why i haven't moved

i haven't moved because i'm trying to figure out why it hasn't

come any closer

or retreated

gone back to where it came from

before it was here

watching me

studying i think

trying to figure out what i am

and why i'm not what i'm not

and not afraid of what _it_ is

though i'm not sure at all about that

what it is

i just know that like me it isn't afraid

doesn't feel threatened

by my red

does it think that mine makes it safe?

unwanted by me?

unneeded for my survival?

does it know how strangely unappetizing i find it?

i think it might

because it steps closer now

just a little

just enough

just to the edge of the snow draped trees

just a nose past

literally

a nose

nothing more and nothing less than that

and than enough

for it

and for me

to just be

coexist in this place

my place

that i'm no longer alone in

**..tq..**

**a little clearer? just a smidge? or a nose, perhaps?**


	10. Chapter 10

10.

our instincts are supposed to guide us

our guts to lead

make decisions and choices before we do

and tell us which ones to

mine tells me that this is an enemy before me

not a friend

not a companion

not a welcome visitor

_not _okay

but yet...

i don't chase it away

because there's something

i can't quite put my finger on

or sink my teeth into

but something that makes me want to not

i can feel its heat even from this distance

see the snow melting beneath it

and the puffs of its warm breath meeting the cold air above

but above that...

i see another thing

another warmth

in the way it watches me

its eyes are brown

deep

and shallow at the same time

i see myself on their surface

reflecting back at me

but behind my mirror image is another thing

a different

and a familiar i think

it's why i can't look away

because i miss familiar

in this place where nothing is but the place itself

this place i'm afraid to leave because it's the only familiar i have left

and because i'm waiting for another to come back

to not mean what he said

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

to not mean it _anymore_

to know somehow that he doesn't have to

to _can't_

Edward's words haunt me

they haunt me everyday

have everyday since he spoke them

but not only because they hurt me

they haunt me with _comfort _too

because he's the only person i loved who spoke any at all

who told me goodbye

and who didn't leave me when i wasn't looking

it's not my dad's fault that he did

and that he didn't

he didn't because he couldn't

wasn't given a chance

and Jake...

well i just don't know

why he didn't

or what happened to him at all

no one would tell me

give me any details

other than the one i didn't want

that my friend wasn't anymore

wasn't anything

and that i had nothing left

nothing but my memories

that i know i will lose soon

no matter how strong i am now

and how much i want to keep them

they'll leave me too

leave a hole in my head where they used to be

leaving me with a matching set

because i already have one in my chest

where familiar used to be

i think

**..tq..**

**i'm kind of missing familiar too. **

**and Crushed Seraphim... you made me smile yesterday. the biggest. ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

11.

Edward didn't have many memories left of his first life

the one that ended before the one he knew me in began

loved me in

the one that's ending made it possible for him to

and tell me once that he never lived at all until he did

know me and love me and...

so many things

i don't want to forget

my first life

because my first life was the only one i knew him in

loved him in

and so much more than both

but i don't know how to stop them

the memories of him from leaving me

vanishing into this same air that he did

following him away like i tried to do but failed to

i don't want to forget him

forget how beautiful he was

or how beautiful he thought i was

before the beautiful he wanted me to stay and see was more important to him

i remember that he said he'd forgotten

but i can't remember if he told me he would

or if he wouldn't

forget _me_

i can't remember at all

and because i can't i don't know if he already has

he tried to make my forgetting him easier

he took all of the pictures of him or us with him

took them when i wasn't looking

when i was asleep maybe

something i discovered when it was too late to beg him to let me keep just one piece of him

since he was taking away the whole

_It will be like I never existed. I promise._

more words i remember

more words he said

when he left me with nothing but those words to hold onto

and others

but what about him?

does he hold on to any part of me?

of us?

does he remember any of the words i said?

to him?

or about?

the him he was to me?

the beautiful?

the special?

the perfect as perfect could be?

does he remember my face?

in his mind?

does he look at it?

there or in his hands?

does he remember holding it between them?

or does he hold it now in those pictures he took from me?

is it like i never existed?

or has he held on to the proof that i did?

the proof he took so i wouldn't have it of him

_It will be like I never existed. I promise._

i don't ever want to forget

but does he?

_has _he?

did he even before someone else didn't?

before someone else came back for me?

to help make his words someday true

do i exist for him at all?

or only for myself?

and this hovering beast in our trees that won't forget?

or leave me alone

**..tq..**

**a few more bits... i'm using some of the details we know, but not all. some i'm changing or rearranging or just plain making up. i hope knowing that now won't scare you away. any _more_ of you. though maybe bored is why some left already, rather than scared. but whatever it was, i'm glad those of you still here aren't. enough to leave yet, anyway.**

**and one more thing... an important one... because some of you are worried... or, as Edward (Rob) said in twilight, "..._wurried..._"(gah gah gah fucking DED) about 'all' of the details of this very twilight thing that we love... Edward is the one i love most. and, to me, it would all be nothing without him. if that gives you any faith. ;) **

**and, not that anyone cares about my particulars... new moon Edward was my favorite. it's why he stands tall in glorious cardboard beautiful right next to my bed. where i dream–with no shame–of him coming to beautiful, glorious life... *sigh***


	12. Chapter 12

12.

i miss the days when sleep took me

when it pulled me under its dark comfortable covers

tucked me into them

so the dreams could come to me

and tuck me in too

the dreams i had weren't always good or wanted or welcome

kind or comforting

especially after Edward left

but none were as bad as this

this living dead nightmare i can't ever wake up from

or close my eyes to

because i'm already wide awake

and will stay no matter how dark it gets

and even if i forced my lashes to meet my dried hardened cheeks

Edward used to watch me sleep

he said it fascinated him

watching me

and hearing

because he said i didn't do it silently

that while i slept i gave him peeks

glimpses

gifts

told him things i didn't when i was awake

as if my glitch didn't exist when my lids fell closed

because they tucked it inside

and let something else come out from

more of me

and how much what i was was about him

which often made me blush

and always made him smile

that beautiful crooked smile of his

and made his eyes too

as they'd gaze at me with their rich golden warmth

tucked inside his icy cover

his shell

that made me shiver when he touched me

and then would make his smiles fade

remind him that he had no right to them

or to tuck himself into

or my warmth

all things i've thought about a million times

during my never ending days without him

i wonder

if a shiver sent him over the edge

one i may not have even known traveled through me

was i asleep when he made the decision to travel away?

did an innocent touch make him vow to never let me feel it again?

or was it something he heard?

while my eyes were closed and i was wrapped up in dreams of him?

and sharing them with him with unconscious tucked-in-sleep whispers?

i wonder and wonder and wonder

ask and ask and ask

myself

because there's no one else to

no one else here

to hear me

my questions

or my pain

no one

but not nothing

and that...

well i wonder about that too

**..tq..**

**just remember what she's really tucked into is silence. all the noise she can hear? isn't the noise she wants. and as much as you may be hating it... she hates it more. and WANTS that noise to come. just like we all do. here, anyway. ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

13.

it's too quiet

and when i look into the snow-tucked trees too clear

my watchful red and brown companion has left me

left me _too_

something i knew already

even though i didn't see it leave

i heard it

the crunch of its massive paws retreating

away from me

bored with perhaps

or repulsed by

something i understand

i never did when Edward said it

said i should be or have been by him

but i do now

because he isn't here to remind me how beautiful repulsive can be

because that's all he was

or could ever be

to me

beautiful

even though he left me

he's _still_ beautiful to me

because his beautiful was what made him

made me love him and made him go

not let me anymore

because he thought mine was more than his

would he think it was now?

more?

or at all?

would his eyes see beauty?

if they could see me?

this me?

or would they just be repulsed?

like mine never were when they could see him?

when they could see any of them

because they were all beautiful

his family

the one he chose and that chose him

his 'parents' Carlisle and Esme

his 'sisters' Alice and Rosalie

and his 'brothers' Emmett and Jasper

each different

and each beautifully and breathtakingly the same

and all living that same together

until Edward left it to live different with me

_School _was what i told my dad

the reason i gave him

for leaving and coming here

but it wasn't the truth

the truth was better by far

because the truth was love

Edward couldn't stay there to love me

he and his family had to leave

but instead of leaving me behind when they did

he took me somewhere special

brought me here

where we could live

in this cold out of the way place

and be

just him and me

for a little while or a long we weren't sure

it was kind of an experiment

and kind of a wonderful one

kind of a perfect

until it went wrong

for him

and blew up in my face

because he decided once and for all that he was wrong for me

and left me

to be made wrong for everyone _but_ him

something i fear only i believe

when too quiet isn't anymore

and the sound of wrong gets clearer

and nearer

and my red and brown companion returns

suddenly appears

bursts through the trees towards me

but not at

because it's in front of now but putting me behind

telling me we'll wait together for wrong to arrive

and that it won't let it hurt me


	14. Chapter 14

14.

i don't need it to protect me

but that it would try to...

that it wants to...

makes me want to let it

for a moment

a few ticks of the clock

because its protecting and its trying and its want makes me feel something

it makes me feel like i have a friend

and i miss that too

feeling for a single second that anyone–or any_thing_–gives a shit about me

cares at all or in any way

whether i'm alone or not

whether i live or i die

not that i have that choice anymore...

i _don't_

but i also _don't _need it to protect me from not

and feel instead because i don't that i should protect _it_

because i know what's coming

what's on its way

not who...

just _what_

and what else

that there are more than one whats

thundering coser

making the ground shake and vibrate beneath my feet and maybe its

making tracks in my snow

imprints with purpose

like the one i try to make as i touch my new friend's soft brown fur as softly as i can

and step in front of it as i do

a _Thank you but i can't let you_

that it doesn't hear or doesn't understand or just doesn't accept because it nudges forward again

in front of me again

and just like that touch i whisper as softly as i can as i reach out and repeat it "They'll hurt you."

a whisper i don't know if it understands either

but whether it does or it doesn't it doesn't seem to agree with

and doesn't budge even when i twist my fingers into its fur to try to pull it back

i know i could make it go anywhere i wanted

but i know i could hurt it too without even trying so i don't when it resists

and it's too late now anyway

because my visitors have arrived

and come one and then two and then three through the forest of white with their own extraordinary versions of

and their familiar ones

that break the silence

"Hi Bella."

and make my new friend break its

while once again

i can make no sound at all

**..tq..**

**three? i know you wanted _one_... but any guesses on the three?**


	15. Chapter 15

**some of you got some of the three right. some of you got none. and none of you got the all. but some of your guesses made me laugh.**

15.

my eyes can't stop searching

their faces for clues

or beyond them

for him

and theirs can't stop searching me

and my only ally

that i try to calm

while Jasper from a distance does the same to me

the reason he's here i'm sure

because the longer i look at them

and they look at me

the more i know that i'm exactly what they expected to see

"I think we're safe. She didn't hurt the dog."

Emmett is the only one of the three before me that ever liked me

and one of the ones who _is _before me because he's the strongest

which gives me two pieces of this extraordinary puzzle that fit perfectly

leaving only one that doesn't

the one that avoids my gaze as it meets hers

"We're really sorry that we didn't get back here sooner."

whose flies back up at Emmett's words

but didn't have to to make me hear what he said

or be shocked by it

or by the sound of myself

"_Back _here?"

my first words out of my new mouth

that were more than the lone feathery whisper i uttered first just before them

harder and heavier and softer and lighter and completely and unmistakably _different_

"Well, Rose and I, yes."

her eyes shoot daggers at him again but they don't silence him or return me to my too quiet existence

because he doesn't let them "But you couldn't really have known that, I guess. Or remembered it if you ever did."

Jasper is pulling double duty now with his particular gift

the one of calm and control

but Rosalie doesn't look like it's working on her

because she only looks like she wants to kill him for trying

and maybe me for merely existing which is nothing new

but does bring a new question

a new something to wonder about

why is she here?

her instead of someone else?

with them instead of not?

instead of him?

or Alice?

who _must _have seen me if they weren't surprised to?

but he said 'come _back'_...

get...

_back_

i even repeated it

before i quickly lost focus of it

_too _quickly

which scares me

because it makes me wonder another thing

if it's that easy to

when you're like this

like we are

if it's that easy to forget something you thought was important a moment before

or someone

**..tq..**

**adding dialogue to this is weird. but necessary, of course. **

**and that puzzle... is anyone putting pieces together differently after this one?**


	16. Chapter 16

16.

there are so many questions i want to ask them

so many things i want to know

but the words won't come

won't form on my tongue

and maybe that has something to do with Jasper...

or maybe it's just me

and my fear of their answers

the sound of their truth

maybe the quiet is better than they would be

its edges less rough

less sharp

but to just stand here...

avoiding them...

and each other...

_This is the last time you'll ever see me._

"Does he know?"

"No."

"Why not? Why you and not him?"

"There are many different answers to that, Bella."

Rosalie looks away again

away from me

and from Jasper's words this time

as if she didn't like the sound of them

or the look

the color

the gray

hazy and foggy and thick with whatever they mean

whatever they do that she knows i don't understand

and i start to wonder a new thing...

if these faces–even hers–i'm happy to see

and want to accept like gifts

are ones i should be afraid of instead

and if these gifts–and theirs with them–are something else entirely

something else in disguise

and were sent for

"Did you come here to destroy me?"

Emmett laughs at my question

Jasper smiles

and the massive furry beast between us roils _its_ answer

but Rosalie...

when she looks up again

at me again

she just looks hurt

and i don't understand at all

even less than i did when i saw and heard nothing

and now can't tear my eyes away from the something that she is

the moving

the slow and deliberate unfamiliar

that becomes not as she snaps a thick branch from a tree that's held it for lifetimes

as if only for a day

and throws it

"Fetch, doggie."

and whatever i saw away with it

"Leave it alone," i warn her

and it's her who laughs this time "Or what?"

and then me who smiles

because Emmett actually looks afraid now

for _her_

"I'd be happy to show you."

she wants to challenge me

i know she does

can taste the thrill of it on her tongue

but perhaps not as much as something else

"Maybe some other time. Like in fifty years or so."

"Good answer," i tell her

because it is for her

but not the one that's best for me

"Now, give me the rest."

**..tq..**

**of course i was tempted... **

**but she wants answers more. just like i think you do.**

**p.s. i have a private page... (fb) where i sometimes give some... (though not yet for this story)... and other things i don't give anywhere else... so let me know if you want in on the getting.**

**see you tomorrow i hope.**


	17. Chapter 17

**read the babbly stuff at the end please.**

17.

"Edward thinks you're dead."

"_What_?"

"Alice saw you dying... and he–"

"But I'm not dead."

_well..._

"No. Because it hadn't happened yet. But the decision to kill you _had_. It had been made, and that's what she saw. And unintentionally showed Edward."

"And the changed decision? Not to? She didn't see that? Show him _that_?_ In_tentionally?"

"It wasn't as simple as that."

Rosalie looks away again

some part of that not simple a part she doesn't like

and though i don't know why or what that part is

i'm with her in the not liking

because the not simple has Edward thinking i'm dead

the real kind

the forever kind

that's different than the forever kind i really am

and much more simple

because it would give him every reason to simply never return

never come back

_This is the last time you'll ever see me..._

or take back his words

"Does _she _know?"

"Yes."

"Then why doesn't he?!"

"Because she doesn't know because she can _see_ you."

"You're not making any sense!"

Jasper takes a step closer to me

and my protector _leaps _closer to him

and Rosalie finally breaks her silence again

and breaks it at _it _"It's your fault she can't and you know it!"

"Why are you yelling at the wolf?" i scream at her

and take a few steps of my own

which makes Emmett

because mine are apparently the only movement anyone's fearful of

"Like I couldn't take you..." I slither at him

though the sound of my slithering warning is like a bell to my own ears

a different kind than the one Emmett hears

that tempts him

because it comes after he hears something else

the thrilling potential of

in his head

_In the red corner..._

before the cruel sound of my reality hits him harder

and brings him back to "Oh, we'll have some fun, Bella... and, believe me, I can't wait to, but right now I think everyone just needs to relax a little. And let Vampire Valium over there do his job."

"I want _answers_. And I want them _now_. And if I don't get them... you're all going to _WISH _he'd been able to."

**..tq..**

**you tell 'em, Bella! cuz we want them, too! and i think some people are getting really annoyed with the not having them... the ones i already have, making the _we_ not really... and more a _you_...**

**and i hear you, girls. i promise i do. but this is a drabbly little thing. and so i can only babble so much or so many in each one... or at the end of...**

**like this: the Rosalie factor. though not all, some of you are definitely questioning that. why it's her there and not Carlisle or Esme. and i get that, it makes sense that you would think one of them would be a better choice... but since i have all of those answers that you don't, i make another promise that i want you to have faith in: they wouldn't be better. and i didn't make any mistakes with who came to break Bella's miserable silence.**

***sprinkles trust dust over your heads and skips away***


	18. Chapter 18

18.

"Why is no one talking?!"

"Bella–"

"And why is the no one talking the three of you?!"

"Ouch, Bella. I thought we were friends. I mean, I never wanted to eat you like Jasper did. And certainly never wanted to do anything worse, like Ro–"

"Shut up, Emmett." Rosalie takes the words right out of my mouth

though i admit i was kind of curious about _worse_

because what could really be worse than someone wanting to e– "Esme wanted to come," she continues

dismissing my curiosity once and for all

"And Carlisle wanted to come b–"

if she could turn her hateful glare inward and point it at herself she would

and i'm curious about that too

but more about what she started to say before she stopped herself from saying it

and me from hearing it

the sound of a secret

that she doesn't get to keep

"Back? He wanted to come _back_? Is that what you were going to say?"

she doesn't answer me with words

but she didn't have to for me to hear them

and she knows it before i tell her with my own

my next question "How could he come back to a place he's never been?"

Carlisle was never here

of this i'm certain

aren't i?

i couldn't have forgotten something like that?

could i?

i remember vividly someone else coming...

so...

but Emmett had said _back_ too

before Rosalie repeated it

and me

"When was Carlisle here? And when were the two of you?"

again she doesn't answer

but even if she doesn't

Emmett does "The same night someone else was."

and asks a question of his own "You remember the someone else, right?"

that the answer to is easy

of course i remember

who could forget a thing like that?

a thing you know is going to end you?

take everything you have left

everything you were left _with_

after the nothing you were

and the...

the...

but that thing?...

that thing _didn't_ take it

_didn't_ do what it said it was going to do

said right to my face

right before...

"You were here? Carlisle was... Did _he_ make me like this? Was that the changed decision? Did _Carlisle_ make his own? And make me into the thing Edward NEVER wanted most of all? DID HE?"


	19. Chapter 19

19.

"Just calm down, Bella..."

"Did. He?!"

"A decision was made for your life not to end. You were going to die..."

"I was already dead! Your brother had already killed me!"

"And you dying... the way you would have if... Bella, that would have killed _him_."

Rosalie's broken silence does nothing to calm me

and really

what am i supposed to do with that noise?

in this quiet that isn't only anymore but still is

deafening

in the most painful way

"He. Left. Me."

"Not because he wanted to. I don't know what he told you... when he did... but I know that. And that I've never seen my brother so lost."

"I can trump that, Rose. Because you know how I see him? I see him GONE."

"We all do, Bella. Because you're not the only one he left."

"If you're expecting me to feel sorry for you for that–"

"But you _are _the only one who can bring him back."

vampire bitch barbie has lost her vampire bitch mind if she thinks that

because he...

he isn't...

isn't...

wait a minute

he _won't _like this

_me _like this

didn't want it and "I was given a life in eternal Hell to bring him back to you? Used for... for... How dare he do that to me?! And then leave me to suffer through it alone! And then not even come back to face me! And tell me himself!"

i thought Carlisle was good

made good choices with the horrendous ones he'd been given

i thought he valued life

and respected it

and death

and family

and the wants and wishes of his own

he was always kind to me

he welcomed me with open arms

for his son

who couldn't help but want me just the way i was

the way that was dangerous for all of them

and made them suffer

he did it for Edward

and made them all do it too

and do something now

this thing that i don't know the point of yet

that they're _here _to do but haven't done yet

to me

after the thing he did to me first

for Edward

who will hate it

and him for it

enough to come back

go to wherever he is

even if only to tell him that

"So, he's just waiting somewhere like a heartless coward? For the three of you to take me to him?"

waiting with another part of his family

the other part who won't face me

because facing me wasn't part of their plan

i don't believe she can't see

i think she just found a way to choose what she could let Edward

"And Alice? Because she's with him, right? Playing her part in this? This game that I'm nothing but a pawn in? Was cruelly and selfishly made to be? Literally?! Well, I have news for you... and for Carlisle. You'll go back to wherever they're waiting for you. But you'll go back empty handed. _If _I let you make it back at all."

"Bella–"

"Which, now that I think about it, and understand... _isn't _my choice. Because Carlisle wanted Edward pissed? Pissed enough to come back and face _his _choice? To make _me _help him? … Then fine. I'll help him. Because, unlike him, and all of you... I have nothing left to lose."

understanding makes a sound

an ugly and eerie sound

and as it slithers in and settles over everything

into the nooks and cracks of wrongly made choices

until you can hear nothing else...

it's a sound Rosalie can't stand to listen to anymore

"It wasn't him! It _wasn't _Carlisle, Bella! He didn't do this to you! He didn't choose it! It was _me_!"


	20. Chapter 20

20.

_He didn't do this to you! He didn't choose it! It was _me_!_

_This is the last time you'll ever see me._

_It will be like I never existed. I promise._

_Go back home, Bella. Leave this place and go back to the life I took you from._

_Go back to wherever you were, Bella. Charlie's gone, Jake's gone, there's nothing left for you here. Go back to the choice you made._

_But you _are _the only one who can bring him back._

_How much could you mean to him... if he left you here _unprotected_?_

_Don't be afraid. I'm doing you a kindness._

_I'll do it quick. I promise. You'll feel _nothing_._

the words are swirling

twirling

spinning out of control

the ones just spoken...

still lingering in the air around me

on the wind

and the ones long evaporated

or blown away with

and left lingering only in my mind

the cruelties

the intentions

the plans

everyone's but my own

and the dismissals

of me

my worth

to each of them

my nothingness

that i wasn't even left to die with the dignity of

the quiet of

the silence

or the peace of

they had no right...

none of them

to make those choices for me

sentence me to those fates

_He didn't do this to you! He didn't choose it! It was _me_!_

and then not even let me

and sentence me to a worse instead

because what could be worse than someone wanting to eat you?

someone wanting to–choosing to–_feed_ you after that someone had

it's worse

so much worse

because when someone drains you

eventually your suffering will end

because you'll run dry

and the suffering will have to find another host to torment

but when suffering is _fed_ to you...

and sealed with a stamp of eternal

then you can't ever...

_This is the last time you'll ever see me._

escape its cruel and unrelenting sound

but maybe...

maybe you can cover it

tuck it in

drown it

and out

with another

maybe _i _can

with one i don't recognize as it tears itself from my throat

the way my life was torn from it

violently

before it was shoved back in

and buried deep

rooted

like the trees all around us

that splinter and crack

_up_root

crash and fall to the ground

with the lightning strikes of my rage

and the body who fed it to me as i fling it against them

her...

because she made a choice for me

when she didn't let me die with another

or with any dignity at all

the _only _thing i had left

**..tq..**

**some of you are really PISSED! some at Carlisle, some at Edward, some at Rosalie... and Bella has obviously caught up with you. and unfortunately for Rosalie, the other two aren't around to take any of her anger. and Vampire Valium's dispenser appears to have broken. and Emmett... well, perhaps he just didn't eat his vampire Wheaties this morning? he's moving a little slow... obviously. since his woman is getting handed her tits right now. and his, i suppose. for bullnala. ;)**


	21. Chapter 21

**some of those words swirling around her yesterday? that you hadn't heard from her before? think about them, and about new moon, because there was an answer in them. that you _have_ heard before from someone else. and that a few of you didn't seem to catch.**

21.

the element of surprise is powerful

gives the surpriser an advantage

and i had it

another

to add to the ones Rosalie fed me

but before i could thank her properly for her unwanted gifts

the gifts of experience–all three of theirs–took the advantage back

because once my surprise wore off of them

they used their experience–and their _knowledge_–to beat me at my own game

the one i wanted to play

so that i could end theirs

"Don't hurt it!"

"Then let her go, Bella."

one twist and Rosalie's eternal life is over

she knows it and they know it

i have only to carry out my decision

execute my choice

and my maker with it

and if i was alone here it would be easy

i'd do it

end her and myself

because i'm not stupid

doing the first would surely result in their doing the second

but i'm not

not on my own against her

or against them

"Please..."

"You have to let go, Bella."

"But–"

"I _was _your friend. I'd like to still be. Or be _again_... but you have to let her go."

do i trust him?

Emmett?

no

i'm sure he's only trying to save her

but my only chance to save something else

the only thing on my side

the new thing i have in this lonely new life

is to do what he says

because if i don't he'll take it away

from me and the life it deserves to live

the one i can't let be taken _for _me

my new friend is in their clutches

because it went at them when they came at me

willing to fight a fight with me and for me that it can't win

and that i can't let it lose

something their experience told them to use against me i think

i hope

and because i do "Okay."

i let her go

and my thirst for revenge with her

because i want something else more

enough to make myself vulnerable

because i don't even look at her

and won't see coming whatever attack she may be planning to get _her _revenge

because all i can look at is my extended hope

and trust in the untrustable

"Thank you. I know she's kind of a bitch, but she's _my _bitch. And, you know... you can't help who you love."

no...

i certainly couldn't

"I mean, for fuck's sake, you loved Mr. Moody-Booty... and your best friend–_still_–is a fucking werewolf."

werewolf?

best friend?

_still_?

"What?"

i ask the question in silence broken only by it

and in calm

broken by nothing as they let it go

make the trade

keep the promise

it for her

"What _what_?"

"What did you say?"

"The pup... do you really not know who it is?"

"_Who_?"

"Well, what was he going to do, Emmett?" Rosalie snickers as she watches it inch tentatively closer to me "Scratch his introduction into the snow with its paw? 'Hi, Bella, it's me, Jake, and I'm a giant dog now'?"

even Jasper laughs at her questions

at her...

her...

WHAT?


	22. Chapter 22

22.

Jake?

Jake is... _dead_.

Jake is...

i'm trying to remember

i'm trying so hard

to remember the details

Billy

Jake's dad

his words

what he said

everything he said

_Go back to wherever you were, Bella. Charlie's gone, Jake's gone, there's nothing left for you here. Go back to the choice you made._

and everything i wanted him to but that he wouldn't

he wouldn't give me anything but coldness

and vagueness

with his dismissal

that felt like blame to me

i remember that part

how it hurt

and how i didn't understand it

how i could be to blame

for whatever happened to Jake

my dad was dead because of me

i knew that

that he was killed because of my choices

and Edward's

but Jake...

how was that my fault like Billy made me feel?

how was...

_is_...

this...

my fault or even possible at all?

it's not

it can't be

this...

this _isn't_

_this _CAN'T be

he...

_Did you know Quileutes were supposedly descended from wolves?_

no

i didn't know

_It's the legend of our tribe._

but i remember now

not knowing

when he told me

the story he said he wasn't supposed to

the bits and pieces

_...enemy clan_

that i didn't pay close enough attention to

then

_It's just a story, Bella._

no it's not

"Jake?"

it's not just a story at all

it's real

_he's _real

and has been here with me this whole time

even though it was dangerous for him

_...enemy..._

because i could have...

"_I_ could have hurt you. I could have..."

he nudges my hand with his head

stopping me

my unthinkable words

and thoughts that...

and making me wish i could cry tears

show them to him

_for _him

this him

and me

_this_... "I'm sorry."

so so so so sorry...

that i see reflected back at me

with that familiar i understand now

recognize completely

and want back

for him and for me

"Are you stuck like this?"

he doesn't answer of course

can't

with anything but apologetic eyes

that stop apologizing when he looks from me to our visitors

"He's not stuck, Bella," Jasper answers for him "He's just trying to protect himself. He can change back whenever he wants."

"Is that true?" I ask him

the beautiful furry creature with my friend tucked somewhere inside

my friend that understands so much more than i do i think

and that i want to explain what he does to me

so when he nudges me again

it's what i ask him to do

as a _who_ "Can you do it now? So that you can talk to me?"

"No way he's going to do it now," Rosalie answers for him this time "If he did it now he'd be dead in a heartbeat. His."

"Threaten him again, Rose, and so will _you_. But quicker than, since you don't have one."

"I'm not threatening him, Bella... _you _are. Because you don't have one anymore, either. And that fact... is glowing brighter than Rudolf's nose. His bright. _RED_. Nose."


	23. Chapter 23

23.

i didn't have the element of surprise on my side this time

but i didn't need it

because i have other things

strength

speed

glitchless ability

instinct

and anger

that's been locked away for too long

tucked in

pent up

and wants out

_is _out

"You think I don't know what I am? What you turned me into? You think you need to remind me, Rose? Throw it in my face? With bitch all over yours?"

she can't really answer me

because her bitch face is buried in snow

and my hands are buried in her hair

ready to pull it from her head

or more to the point pull her head from the rest of her

that i pin down with me

her shoulders under my knees

her all at my mercy

the advantage mine

completely

"One more bitch word and it's Rice Krispies for you. Snap... crackle... POP. And then bowling for me, with your pretty popped off head as my ball."

"Hey!" i hear Emmett yell

along with the rest of the continent probably

followed by what really does sort of sound like a bowling ball being tossed down a lane

the sound of him shoving Jasper

"You need a Viagra or somethin, Bro? Cuz your shit is limp as hell!"

"Said the vampire that can't control his woman," he says back

dryly

calmly

"Or her mouth. Though Bella seems to have figured out how to. Maybe you should be paying attention to _her_..."

"You really probably should be," i add

to be fair

and a little smug

while i give a little tug

well...

maybe more than a little one...

which he sees

because he _is _paying attention to me now

again

"Come on, Bella... Badass looks good on you. _Really_ good... I'll admit that, but I don't like it looking good on you on her. So, will you please take it off? And put it away? And save it for when Edward gets here? Cuz it would look GREAT on him. And I promise to do nothing but cheer you on when that day comes."

when Edward gets here?

Edward who doesn't know i still am?

or am again?

back?

in our place?

alive?

his kind of alive?

though not exactly living

his kind of way

which is what pissed me off

pissed me off _more_

because Rosalie pointed it out

"When Edward gets here? Why would Edward come here?"

"For you, of course."

of course?

"For me for _what_?"

"For you forever. Duh, Bella."

for me forever...

duh?

i don't think it's duh

i don't think it's duh at all

but i want to know why he does

"Why would you say that? Think it, even? He left me to spend forever _without_ me. You know that. That he didn't choose me. Or–"

"That was a different you. A breakable one. That he didn't want to ever see _be _broken. That– Please let her up, Bella. In _one _unbroken piece. And then we'll talk about it. All of us. For as long as you want to."

as long as i...

want...

i want _forever_

_Edward _forever

instead of just the pieces of him i thought he let me have for

the pieces of his hurt

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

i want duh

and to show _him_ Badass too

a little at least

for what he showed me

before he took it away and left me with nothing to see

so i get up

and let her

and listen

for something new

**..tq..**

**ahem! are you listening? yes? okay, good. now that you are... keep in mind–those few who still can because you're still here–that i DID list a pairing at the top of this. and Jake ISN'T who or what i put for half of it. geez...**

**oh, and i'm not a tease. i'm not offended by anyone who thinks i am... i'm just saying i'm not one. intentionally.**

**kay, bye.**


	24. Chapter 24

24.

i can't stop thinking about Emmett's words

the when Edward gets here

and the for you

and the for you forever

and the duh

i can't stop

because they're the most beautiful sounds i've heard since i was given my new ears

because they're the sound of hope in my too quiet world of hopeless

especially the duh

because he made _that _sound so effortlessly

and so matter of factly

to tell me i should have known it

heard it already

no matter what else i did or i didn't

"You really believe he'll come back for me?"

"Of course he will."

another duh

but from a different mouth this time

a colder

and not just because it was just _eating _cold

"I didn't put you through this for nothing, Bella. No matter what you think of me... I'm not that cruel. Or that much of a bitch. And wasn't trying to be the ultimate of either to you."

that just got warmer i think

something i didn't think was possible

think that that mouth was capable of

especially to or for me

"Then what did you do it for? What were you trying to do or be when you did this to me?"

"I did it for Edward. And for you. To say that I was sorry, I guess. In a way... the only way I could."

sorry?

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry for being a bitch. Sorry for thinking only of myself. Sorry for the misery and pain you both suffered..."

"You're _still _being a bitch, Rose. So, I can't really say I believe that you're sorry for anything. Except maybe for that you made me stronger than you."

"You're not exactly Little Bo Peep, you know. Or Snow White. Or whoever the hell history's nursery rhymes and fairy tales wove as the poor, sweet little victim. _Now_, I mean."

"Said the vampire who spoon fed me her bitch juice."

"She's got you there, babe! Though there was no _spoon _involved..."

"Shut up," she tells her forever choice

bringing me back to why she made another

with me "_Why_, Rosalie?"

"Letting you die would have killed Edward. And no matter how I ever acted... I _love _my brother. And I couldn't let that happen. Not if I could stop it. _That _is why."

but... "Why _you_? If Carlisle was here..."

"He wasn't. Not yet. And I couldn't wait for him to get here. To do what we all would have chosen. It would have been too late. It almost was already. I wasn't even sure it wasn't. Or that I could even do it... but I was sure that I couldn't not try."

"What _you all_ would have chosen?"

"I know it's not fair, Bella. That _you _weren't given a choice. Believe me, I understand that. But–"

"No. You said _you all_. Are you saying that Edward would have made the same choice?"

"Of course he would have."

there's that sound again

the duh in another way

"Do you not understand his feelings for you at all?"

Edward asked me that once

that very same thing

though that sound coming from him was different

and the best duh i'd ever heard

could ever or have ever...

because i did

understand

then

and now...

i really

really really really

REALLY

want to again

"Really?"

**..tq..**

**for those of you who aren't new to me... you had to know i'd find a way to slip a Disney reference or character in here somewhere. it's my thing. ;)**

**and new to me or old... i can't believe how many of you want her to do Edward some badass bodily harm! mean girls, you! Lol.**


	25. Chapter 25

25.

"You really _don't _understand his feelings for you..."

"What I understand is that he _left _me. Understanding fully mine for him. And, I think, what it would do to me. And while I may understand _why _he did... how he thought it was the 'right' thing to do... and the 'selfless'... and the 'kind'... and the 'noble'... all I can really _know_... is what I have now. Which is _nothing_. And no one. And very different from what he put me through Hell _to _have."

the quiet is broken again

by me

breaking something else

with words i didn't mean to

like Edward maybe

did with his

to me

in this very place

just feet away from where we stand

just into the trees

_Come take a walk with me_

is how he'd started

to finish me

before he did

truly

with _This is the last time you'll ever see me_

and _You don't belong in my world_

and...

i don't want to think about the rest now

or myself

only

because i was wrong

when i said i had nothing

because i do

have something

_one _thing

and saying i didn't hurt it

hurt him

my friend

hurt i heard with my own ears

in his sad wolfy whimper

that i never want to hear again

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Didn't think before I said it."

i stroke his fur gently

at least i hope i do

i don't really know

if gentle to me is to him

like Edward didn't

couldn't have

which is why sometimes he left a map on me of where he'd been

where he'd touched me

left hurt where he'd only meant to leave love

give...

something beautiful...

like i want to do

"I don't have nothing. I have you. It would just be easier to not forget that if you _looked _like you."

"It really isn't safe for him to look like the him you knew, Bella. Because you don't look entirely like the her he knew. Which is all I was trying to say before."

"You hated me and you didn't kill me. Don't insult me by saying I'd kill my best friend who I love."

"I wasn't a _newborn_. And I didn't hate _you_. I hated _what _you were. And that I wasn't the same. With the same possibilities. And _a_bilities. And that I had to have all that was you–all that I would have given anything to be again–shoved down my throat. While you risked it all for my brother. It wasn't personal."

"And you didn't get some sort of thrill taking it all away from me? Come on, Rosalie..."

"No. Not at all. The only thrill I got was in my hopes that what I did would save my brother's life. But that is still just that. A _hope_."

"What do you mean?"

"Because he still doesn't know, Bella. Alice showed him your death... but she can't show him your new life. Because she can't _see _it."

"Why not?!"

"Because that one thing you think you have... is the one thing that will never let her. Jake–in this form or the one you want to see–makes you invisible to her. And because he does, to Edward, too. Who's only chance of seeing you like this is through her, unless they can find him to tell him. So, as long as he's here... with you... it may as well be as if you never existed at all. To Edward."

**..tq..**

**i know it was a different kind of thing... but after that last bit of Rosalie... in my head i heard that sound (musicy thing after her gasp) at the end of new moon... you know what i'm talking about, right? maybe?**

**well, whether you do or you don't... i promise we'll get there. to where you want to be. or HE will. to where she is... cross my heart. which will ALWAYS belong to Edward, if i didn't already make that clear. **

**or this... thank you to the few of you who are still with us waiting for him. i'd hug you if i could. honest i would.**


	26. Chapter 26

**longerish one. and a little warning to go with it... her pain is on repeat. don't let it annoy you too much. not enough to click the little x in the corner anyway. seriously... DON'T.**

26.

my head hurts

there's too much sound

too much noise

too much chaos and confusion

when all i want is peace

and calm

and understanding

imprints in my snow

two sets

certain

and clear

happy

and defined

instead of the too many that there are in it now–surrounding me now–that aren't

instead of the blurred lines

the swirls of this wreaked havoc

"So, one minute you're both telling me that he'll come... saying things like 'when he gets here' and 'for you' and 'of course' and 'duh'...

"Like I'm stupid for not knowing it... like he'll come strutting through those trees he left me standing in the middle of in this middle of nowhere place he brought me to–and then trying to run after him through–any second now...

"And the next you tell me I don't even exist to him... may as well have never for the nothing I am to him now..."

_It will be like I never existed. I promise._

you, Edward?

or _me_?

"So, WHICH IS IT? Which one? Which string of words do I believe? From people I have no reason to believe any from? The most untrustable kind of people. People who are also telling me that the one friend I have in the world... the one single anyone or anything I have left... that I haven't lost, or that didn't abandon me, or get taken from, or HURT... is the one making me not... exist at all...

"WHICH THING DO I BELIEVE?! WHICH SOUND?!"

"He's not all you have, Bella. But he _is _keeping you from having what I believe you most want. Which sound you do. Having him back. _Edward_. Who _would _come for you. _Will_. If he only knew there was still a you _to _come for. Which he won't if–"

"Well, then I guess he just won't. Because I won't choose nothing for someone who didn't choose me. And who I don't even exist to."

"You're twisting my words, Bella. Turning them around and forcing them to hurt you, when it's the last thing they were meant to do."

"Don't talk to me about what things were _meant _to do, Rose. Or what they _did _when they turned around. Turned _themselves_. Don't!"

"I don't blame you for being angry... at Edward, and at me–at all of us–for what we've put you through. For the life you're facing... that I think you're afraid you have to face alone..."

"He left me _alone_! And then–"

"And then we did. I know. And I'm sorry for that. We all are. It wasn't part of the plan. It–"

"You don't get to make me a plan! You've made me enough!"

"I couldn't have what you had, Bella. Have it back... I couldn't be what you were... ever again... but I couldn't let you be made into nothing. Because this... what I am... what we all are... it _is _better than that. Better than nothing. And that was the only plan we had. To give you better. And Edward, who finally was. BETTER. Because you _did _exist."

did

not do

i _did _exist

he wouldn't have been able to leave me if i didn't

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

stay gone from

because my existence wasn't really worth anything

to him

wasn't worth enough

to make me a plan

he already thought i was nothing

_You don't belong in my world, Bella_

and it won't matter that i'm not

_You don't belong in my world, Bella_

whether he ever knows or not

_You don't belong in my world, Bella_

he already told me

_You don't belong in my world, Bella_

i'd just forgotten

because it was too quiet

after...

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

"He's never coming back."

never

_You don't belong in my world, Bella_

to this world he didn't want me in

_You don't belong in my world, Bella_

didn't think i belonged in

_You don't belong in my world, Bella_

told me i didn't

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

like their strange and suddenly smug faces seem to confirm

i think

repeat...

and Jake as he bristles...

growls...

drowning out all other sound

before he...

_he _who's is never silenced for me...

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

and me...

my eyes...

and my "Uuuchgh!"

all tell me he lied "I'd have to not be here now to do that, Bella."

**..tq..**

**'Uuuchgh'... yeah, i don't know... how you write that sound that broke the painful silence... and repeat... before the other one did... the one that made her make it... which... well... you recognize it, right? know who made it?**

**see you tomorrow.**


	27. Chapter 27

**really, you guys? REALLY? *sigh* well, go down there and get_ un_confused.**

27.

_I'd have to not be here now to do that, Bella_

he would

he'd have to

to do that

to not come back

to never come back

never...

that will never happen

because he already did

come back

here

he's here

_This is the last time you'll ever see me_

wasn't

because i see him now

i see him

seeing me

seeing me see him

him who looks the same but different

changed

like i am but not

because he already was

this thing that i became after he left me

this thing that i was made to be

for him she said

because it would hurt him

kill him

if i was the other

the thing i'd be if she hadn't

the thing i am but not

"You're _alive_..."

he says the words as if they're heavy for him

almost too

too much

as he looks at the proof of them

that i think might be too

too much

too burdensome

for him and to

"Would you rather I wasn't? Because I don't have to be... to you. You don't have to feel obligated... to be anything to me. Just because I am."

"Bella... I– How could you say those things to me?"

"How could you? _Did_ you? Say the things that you said? To me?"

"I don't know," he says now "I can't answer that. I just... I _had_ to. So I did."

"I know you _did_. You don't have to tell me that part. I didn't ask it. And I sure as hell didn't forget why I didn't have to."

he doesn't respond to that

doesn't know how to perhaps

and i don't say anything at all

not out loud

because i want to know if he can hear the things i don't

now

that all of my glitches have been fixed

but his expression tells me he can't

it would be different if he could

very different

which tells me i'm not as different as i thought

not as changed

not as 'better' as Rose said she made me

for him

who's still just looking at me

the solidity of

with that weight of pushing down on him

keeping everything he's thinking inside too

and hidden from me

from all of us perhaps

because Jasper breaks our silent heavy moment "Where's Alice? Isn't she with you? And Carlisle and Esme?"

and answering _him_

talking to _him_

is easy

apparently "No one's with me. Why would they be?"

"Well, one of them must have told you, so–"

"Told me what?"

"Told you this. About Bella... since you're here?"

"No one told me anything. I haven't spoken to anyone. Or _heard_."

"Then why did you come?" i ask now

because i need to know

more than i've ever needed anything

and some of the weight of me must lift from him

stop suffocating

because he answers me

the words rolling in velvet waves off of his tongue... "Because I should never have left you here. And I wanted to feel the pain of being here without you because I did. Before I felt none ever again."

"He's here," i hear Jasper speak into his phone

to Alice i assume because the next ones he speaks are "Tell Carlisle and Esme."

before i hear nothing but Edward's words repeat themselves to me

_Because I should never have left you here. And I wanted to feel the pain of being here without you because I did. Before I felt none ever again._

something that definitely isn't different

though they sound

"What does that mean? Felt none ever again?"

"Nothing. Nothing _now_."

"I've taken enough _nothing _from you, Edward. More than enough. What did it mean?"

"Nothing, Bella. It doesn't matter now. Because you're alive."

because i'm alive?

what does that have to do with...

_Do you not understand his feelings for you at all?_

_You dying... that would have killed him_

_I've never seen my brother so lost_

_Do you not understand his feelings for you at all?_

_Letting you die would have killed Edward_

_The only thrill I got was in my hopes that what I did would save my brother's life. But that is still just that. A hope._

a hope...

_Because I should never have left you here. And I wanted to feel the pain of being here without you because I did. Before I felt none ever again._

_...felt none ever again_

_none..._

_ever ag– _"What did it mean, Edward?! WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO?!"

"She's baaaaack," i hear Emmett say

and then snicker

and clap his hands together "Jasper, run and grab us a couple of elk or something. Some vampire popcorn for the show. What will be the greatest. Fucking. Show. On. Earth."

it will

if "Answer me, Edward! NOW!"

**..tq..**

**NOW! you get it _now_, right? this time for sure? ****i'm going to assume you do... **

**and tell you about a something that _i_ don't get... this is written in a strange, nontraditional, noncorrect style. i know it and you know it... but if you tolerated those nons for 26 chapters, and then got what you got at the end of that 26th... or, more importantly WHO, would you choose the moment right after you got it/HIM to tell me you couldn't deal with it anymore? and that you wouldn't be? ANYMORE. ? i mean, to each their own, of course, but REALLY? right after THAT? i know that last chapter was annoying, and hurt your heads, but i DID warn that it would... before anyone could tell me... **

**i don't know. i'm just a little baffled. by the _timing_. ah, well... that's my problem, i guess. and those of you still here are my _not_. and the bright spots of my days. so, thank you for being. xo.**

,


	28. Chapter 28

28.

his eyes fall from mine

the glaring demanding red of

fall to the snow beneath our feet

the calm and soothing white of

that he hopes is i think

the snow that we stand in and on together in the same place

our place

that he told me would never be again

before he came back to see it not

see his own words confirmed

by someone or something else

that he thought had given him no choice to ever take them back

not that he would have...

because he thought the one he did make was the right one

the one he had to

taking all others away from himself

and me

who had none at all

until now

when i won't give him any

but to tell me the truth

something he knows as i reach out and up and grab his stubborn and guilty chin

raise it less than gently

by any degree human or non

ordinary or extraordinary

and force him to look back at me

at the truth his choice created for me

and give me his

"You can pout _after_ you tell me. You'll probably have a few reasons to. And a few– Can vampires bruise?"

really can they?

i don't know

but i'd like to

know if i can leave a mark

an answer of my own while i'm waiting for– "I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist."

the one i never wanted to hear

never wanted his beautiful stupid lips to let me

after all of the other things they did

made me

hear and hurt from

more than i ever thought i could

until now

until he told me i was wrong

because something could hurt more

a world without Edward...

beautiful stupid flinching Edward

flinching before i've said a word

about the ones he said

with his beautiful chin still in my grip

my less than gentle and getting lesser

"So, you weren't going to? After you came here one last time to see me not?"

"Yes. Or no... I wasn't."

"How?" i ask

with my mouth and my less gentler than ever grip

that makes him flinch again though i suppose he never really stopped

"I went to the Volturi. Asked them to kill me. They refused. And after I came back here to see what _my _refusal had done to you, I was going to go back and give them no way to refuse me a second time."

stupid...

beautiful...

"You coward!"

coward laying in our snow

and getting up from

still flinching

which is good

because it saves him having to do it again

when i knock him to it again

even though he does

again

before he gets up _a_

only to be knocked down _a_

"Bella..."

"It doesn't feel good, does it?"

"No."

"To be the weak one? The powerless? Or, in your case, just the less power_ful_..."

"I'm sorry, Bella. More than I could ever say. Ever tell you. Ever beg for you to believe that I am..."

he's sorry

yeah, well he should be

and will be more

is now i think as i shove him into our trees

literally...

into

one and then another

a plethora of others

a pinball game of sorts

which is even better than bowling

so much better

"You're sorry?"

"Yes... Bella, please..."

"Please what? Please don't do this? Please don't hurt you? Please WHAT, Edward?"

"Please don't _hate _me."

_hate _him?

HATE HIM?

is he stupid?

well...

yeah...

he is...

we've already determined _that_...

and that i'm pissed

but i'm not sure he knows that enough

the pissed part

well enough

in his STUPID head

"You're an idiot!"

but oh he knows it now...

that he is

and doesn't get up quite so fast this time

from knowing it

being schooled in

doesn't get up so fast at all

his stupid beautiful head or the rest of him

that someone thinks needs help doing

or being let to do

because i hear that someone behind me

close and getting closer...

"One more step, Mellow Yellow, and I forget him and move on to you. We have an old score to settle anyway."

i hear Emmett laugh at his brother

at his other

the one who's not quite so stupid

perhaps

because he stops coming toward me

his steps grown quiet and still

like the air

in which all i hear now is "Pussy!"

as i look at who's not

because he's taking my beating

and telling me with his beautiful and sad and starving black eyes that he'll take more of one

as much more of one as i want to give him

if only there could be something else at the end of

something worth living for

and dying...

which i'd NEVER want him to do

"I could never hate you."

**..tq..**

**staceleo... i borrowed a little something from you. obviously. i think. i hope you're not mad. it was too perfect to not. and i thought it would go good with the popcorn. ;)**

**see you all tomorrow. i hope. and some of you later... because i should respond to a few things i was told yesterday by. or try to anyway.**


	29. Chapter 29

29.

never

through any quiet or any noise

eternity of either or both

with him or without

i could never ever hate him

but that he doesn't know that...

that he doubted it

or thought i could

even for a second

i hate _that_

and show him how much i do

let him see it

_make _him see it

and the sky up above

and feel it

and me on top of him now blocking his view

that he sees too

looks at

stares at

only

with gratitude instead of the anger he probably should show me for handing him his ass

and burying it in our snow

repeatedly

like his words that repeatedly played in my head when he wasn't here to play with me

or me any new

any anything

anything that wouldn't hurt me

something he's _still _doing

by admitting he doesn't want to himself

"Hate isn't strong enough, Edward... to describe what I feel for you."

and now his eyes admit another thing to me...

that my admission is crushing

far more than i am him

which makes me crush him harder

because his stupid misunderstanding makes me madder

"What's stronger than hate?" i ask him

giving his stupid brain one more chance

"You." Rosalie mutters the right answer somewhere behind us

and the wrong one

that makes Emmett laugh because he's stupid too

the most i think

because Edward...

Edward _beneath _me...

Edward not fighting to be anywhere else...

anywhere but

looks like he knows

the most right of all

the most true

and the most me

"Love?"

_that's it pretty boy..._

_you got it now_

but even though he does "I don't deserve for you to love me, Bella."

"No... you probably don't... But?"

"I'll spend forever giving you reasons to. If you'll let me. And _live _to. Past today."

"You don't seem so sure about that part. That last. The let you live part."

"I'm not."

"It's a miracle you ever graduated high school, Edward. Let alone the–what, 20 or so times you did? You're kind of dense."

i reach over and grab a tree limb and throw it behind us

to quiet the dense cackling there

or maybe it was a whole tree

because it does

quiet it

and the peanut gallery i know i'll never be rid of now cackling or not

know it before he tells me

before he proves to me how smart he really is

"The only reason I left... was because I thought I was protecting you."

and how sorry

"I needed you... to have a chance at a normal... happy life."

to see that he wasn't when he thought he was being

only

and being selfless

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I've done... in a hundred years."

and still

wanting to be

now

"I swear... I'll never fail you again."

with an achingly gentle touch

that's achingly vulnerable

"I'm _so_ sorry."

and that doesn't match any of mine

extended to him

and a touch...

that if my heart could beat would make it beat right out of my chest

with that stronger than hate emotion

stronger than pissed or mad

stronger than bloodlust or burning thirst

stronger...

than_ me_

**..tq..**

**sorry about yesterday. being a mom... _that_ love... the strongest emotion in me... had to come first.**


	30. Chapter 30

**this one's a bit shorter. and a bit loud.**

30.

_I'm so sorry_

i believe him

know that he is

but don't too

don't know

what his sorry is entirely for

i know he's sorry for leaving...

because of what his leaving did

to me

but is that all?

and is his sorrow _only_ for me?

or is it for him too?

because even though he came back

to see me gone

and saw me not instead

_sees_...

and seemed for a moment happy to

is seeing what he does now making him feel sorry for himself?

is he sorry as his hand still mimics the curve of my cheek?

that can never change colors for him again?

never warm his icy skin?

because it's icy now too?

and is–and will forever be–the same color as and of?

the _same..._

he loved my ordinary

loved me for it and left me for it

so that i could keep it

because he thought it was the most extraordinary thing i could be

but what about now?

that it's gone and he isn't anymore?

is he sorry that he came back?

to find nothing but not?

to find empty but find _emptier _instead?

drained

of that extraordinary to him ordinary?

and filled...

_re_filled...

with... "Who did this to you, Bella?"

i think he is

and that i should let him up

before i tell him

and i do

because his sorrow...

shouldn't only hurt me

"Rose did it."

"_What_?" he says

looking at me in disbelief

down at this time instead of up

because i let him

before he looks over at her

and the dis disappears from that belief

giving him only

because she looks guilty

and her own brand of sorry

and smart...

because she slips behind Emmett

as she confesses "For _you_, Edward."

"For me?!" he screams

right in her face

and in Emmett's

because faster than i've ever seen him move he's in front of both

well...

_almost _faster

he moved faster once

so fast i couldn't see him do it at all

the last time he moved away from me

ran...

when my eyes were still ordinary

and my heart was

and extraordinarily crushed

battered tattered and shattered

and left in pieces on the ground i couldn't see him on anymore

this ground

that i see him on now

not running on and from but staying on and standing on to fight

for what he's sorry for "For _me_?! I never wanted her like this!"

making me run on it

and away from

and that sound that was worse than any quiet

_his _

that was louder than any other he ever made

to me or for

_I never wanted her like this!_


	31. Chapter 31

**another short.**

31.

_I never wanted her like this!_

i knew that

that he didn't

but i thought for a moment

once he saw

kept seeing

kept _looking_

at me

that maybe he could

want me anyway

want me this

his apology sounded real

heartfelt

and his declarations

that sounded like promises too

real promises

and his hand on my cheek...

felt...

_real_

and full of wanting

because he kept it there

didn't take it away

didn't flinch at the feel of it

like he had at something else

he didn't

but what he said...

after...

_I never wanted her like this!_

made _me _flinch

and run

because i couldn't stay there

in that place

our place

in that brutal cold

and hearing that brutal sound

even though i still do

hear it

the brutal

_I never wanted her like this!_

can't get away from it

far enough away

_I never wanted her like this!_

can't escape it

or my friend who never did either

want me this way

hates what i am i know

but would never say it

now that i am

have no choice but to be

and no choice to not

because he'd never say something that would hurt me

whether he could or not

say anything

something he _can't _do now

the way he is

the way he has no choice but to be either i think

even though they said he does

can change back

to the boy i knew

if he wants

something i can't do

no matter how much i do

can _never_ do

change

back to that girl he knew

and Edward

knew

and wanted

and loved

before i was this

this thing that he can't

_I never wanted her like this!_

and doesn't

and doesn't want

and didn't

and will

NEVER

that i'll be stuck being and knowing forever

the longest kind of forever

because it will never ever end

ever

the way i never wanted anything to never ever

but Edward

who doesn't want me the same

wants me less than

as less than as less than could be

because he doesn't want me

at all

the way i'm stuck

and he is

_I never wanted her like this!_

but doesn't want to be _with_

**..tq..**

**oh, Bella... **

**and you girls... YOU KNOW HE DIDN'T MEAN IT! _now_. he's stupid, remember? stupid but soooooo pretty... *sigh***

**and if any of you read Clear and Bright... *gasp* chapter 34 is up. with another soooooo pretty but stupid sometimes, too. *repeat sigh***


	32. Chapter 32

32.

i hear them behind me

their footsteps

their noise

their chase

except i don't know who the them is that they all belong to

i know one...

and that it's his four i hear

hard and heavy on the ground my own barely touch

but i don't know the other

with the two

the lighter and faster

and the catching up

and the passing the four

and making the possessor of growl

which makes me too

or make a sound something like

as i stop and turn around

to face

_I never wanted her like this!_

truth

his and my own

"Bella, I didn't–"

"I know, Edward. You never did. I HEARD YOU. We _all _did. Loud and clear." _so loud and so... _"So just go. Pretend I'm not like this. Or that I really am the nothing you came here to find. Or, better yet, forget I ever existed at all. And leave me to in peace. And, for God's sake, take your family with you."

his family that stands behind him now

because they've caught up too

worried perhaps about what i'd do

to him

their stupid selfish tantrum throwing golden boy

golden CHILD

_I don't want! I don't want! I don't want!_

_I DON'T WANT HER!_

i'm surprised he didn't stomp his feet

when he– "We're your family, too, Bella," vampire bitch barbie says

interrupting my thoughts

and i'm back to wanting to rip her bitch barbie head off

for doing it

and for "My family is dead. Thanks to yours. So, thanks but NO THANKS."

"Everyone just go." the golden child finally says something intelligent

but they're not used to hearing it so they don't

and don't listen

and stay where they are

so i let them hear me "Are you deaf? Is hearing not your greatest strength?Wait... of course it's not. I knew that already... and know what _is_. So, exhibit it. Make like a Cullen and LEAVE!"

yeah, they definitely heard _that_

especially Edward

because he's doing that flinching thing again

what's the matter Edward?

does the truth hurt?

WELL WELCOME TO MY WORLD!

and "ALL of you. Which in case you're too stupid to understand, Edward... includes _you_. And means GET THE FUCK OUT! And go find another ordinary human girl's life to destroy. Because there's nothing left of this one. There's only what _you _left. And what you never wanted."

"I deserve that... all of it."

he stops

pauses

and it only pisses me off more "If you're waiting for me to correct you... and say you don't... you can go do it elsewhere. Because in forever, I _won't_. And want to spend mine alone. Just like you wanted me to."

"That's not what I wanted, Bella. I know you're angry... and hurt... and confused... and I know all of that is my fault... "

"You are correct. Gold star for the golden boy!"

he hears my 'praise' but keeps talking anyway "But I never wanted that."

as if he didn't "For you to be alone."

and didn't hate hearing it "Or any of those things. The ones that I made you feel."

"Blah blah blah..."

i hear him expel a breath he doesn't need to at my coldness

and _see _that breath

as it hangs in the air between us

the _space _between us

the huge fucking space

that he created

but won't make greater

because he won't leave

because he always has to have his way

and can never give me mine

"And I don't want it now. Or not want... _you_."

or can he?

could he... ?

does he mean... ?

_could_ he possibly... ?

"I said I never wanted you like this, Bella... but only because I wanted better for you... than this... PERFECT for me."

"Uuuchgh."

**..tq..**

**yeah, the 'Uuuchgh' came back, too. but what's a stunned girl to do? or sound to make? when the stupid golden child boy of your dreams makes the ones he did?**

**i'll let you ponder that... and see you tomorrow.**


	33. Chapter 33

33.

perfect

he said perfect

perfect for him

no...

that's not the way he said it

not the exact way

he said PERFECT for him

he did

i heard it

heard him say it

loud

and clear

and soft

and strong

and...

perfect

i heard him

_PERFECT for me_

with a _this _before it

me _this _way

the way he never wanted

but...

does?

"You want me? This way?"

"Of course I do."

"But you said–"

"Because you weren't then."

"But I am now."

"Yes, and so I do.

he does

i believe him

i can see it

hear it

feel it

that he _really_ does

and i'm happy

my heart may not beat or be able to make a sound but if it could...

it would make a different one than my hand just made

my balled up fist

that just cracked him in his pretty mouth

and made everyone else crack up

everyone else but him of course "Does that mean that you don't want _me_? Now that you are?" he asks

stupidly

and "No," i say

and crack him again

because he did

"It means that you're stupid sometimes."

"Ah," he says this

with a flinch

that makes me smile a little

but feel a little bad too "It's not your fault, I guess... not always... 'all that and brains, too' would probably be pretty impossible... even for impossibly pretty you... "

"You could get him a muzzle?" Emmett suggests with a smirk "Or a ball gag. So he couldn't talk. None of us would mind."

"Or she could get one for you," Rosalie counters "Or you could just SHUT UP. And let _them _talk."

"Should," i correct

with a badass glare

that even he isn't stupid enough to ignore

or not do

though he does it with a pout

another Cullen strength

that sometimes makes me roll my eyes

like now

at him

but other times doesn't

and makes me weak instead

like the way i am when Edward does it

not always but this way

this way right this minute

the way i'm looking at now

can't stop looking at

or wanting to take away

make him stop doing

because it's breaking my heart

that feels differently than my hand

and wants to _do _"I've always wanted you. I don't think I could ever not. No matter how stupid you are."

"I promise to stop being," he says now

proving that he still is "You really shouldn't have said that... because you really probably _can't_ stop."

"I promise to try?" he says

trying again

not to be

and to make a promise he can keep

and i want to believe him...

but...

"I'm not weak anymore, you know," i say

telling him i don't completely

and giving him some incentive

to try _hard_

and make me

believe him and in

as completely as he can

"I promise you I do know _that_."

yeah...

i made _that_ pretty clear

but still... "And I won't hesitate to remind you. If you forget. And step–or speak–out of line. Or the realm of intelligence."

he smiles now

crookedly

at that

and at me

_this _me

for the first time

and i know

whether he does or not

am reminded

that _that_...

his smile

crooked and beautiful and pure and sweet

is something i always want to see

and hear the beautiful pure sweet quiet of

that could never be too


	34. Chapter 34

**i was a little surprised by the_ aaaaw_s yesterday. but not unhappy. and i'm not sure anyone will leave any today... or this with any laughter like on others... but i hope you'lll leave it (and not) and me with something.**

34.

"Can you live with that, Edward? Me like that? And like this?"

"I can. And I will. If you'll let me," he answers

confidently

and something else

something else that's not stupidly

and that i won't take as

because his vulnerability isn't stupid to me

it's something else

entirely

and completely

and completely beautiful

extraordinarily

like he is

so completely extraordinary

to me

but heartbreaking too

though he thinks something else i think

that i heard it as

his answer

because my hand extends again

out

and up

to his face

with mine

making him flinch again before it even gets there

reaches it

because he had time to

see it coming

anticipate what it would do

and me

anticipate it _wrongly_

but again not stupidly

because what else could he think?

based on what it's done?

the last things it did?

the ones he remembers most vividly perhaps

because they kept repeating themselves

i did

kept repeating them to him

"Of course I'll let you," i tell him

declare to him

repeating nothing he's already heard or felt

with softness

like the way i touch his face

this time

i think

i hope

and _do _maybe

because he doesn't flinch now

as his unnecessary breath flows into the space between us again

the space that's gotten smaller

become less of a gap

less of a nothingness

less of a painful silence

for me

because he's making it not

with him "We're the same temperature now."

less painful...

and less stupid

and more

of something else

something _perfect_

_yes Edward..._ "We are."

_almost _perfect

"And the same texture," i add

because we truly are

and getting closer to

that perfect

like i am to him

getting closer

to his... "Kiss me."

lips that do what i say

with no argument

with me or himself

and no hesitation

or too fearful or careful movement

because he doesn't have to be either anymore

fearful of hurting me

or careful to not

or hold back

at all

himself

or push

me

he doesn't have to now...

won't have to ever again

and he doesn't

my god he doesn't...

with his lips that i forget were ever stupid

ever hurt me with why they were

ever bruised me or branded me or broke me

ever– "Bella..." he says as he pulls them away from me

and tries to pull himself–the rest of–out of my crushing grip

"Easy, sweetheart. You're much stronger than I am now."

oops...

"I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"Just a little."

"I didn't mean to."

"I know."

"This time, I mean. I did the others. Before this one."

"I know that, too," he says

and smiles again

at me again

that crooked smile

that makes me pull it to my not

back to it

to me

and to them

my lips

that didn't get enough of his

and demand more

that he _give _me more...

all

everything _i _want

whether it hurts him or not

which i really _don't _want to do

and don't try to

but don't have to i guess

now that i'm like this

this way that he wants me

and wants me to let him

and let him live to

"Sorry," i tell him when i _feel _his flinch this time

telling him i will "Again."

"It's okay," he tells me

and then "I'll handle it."

though i already knew it

that part

because he's been telling me that since he got here

since he came back

and showing me

because he handled it all

everything i dished out

and still stayed

telling me he'd handle any and everything else i might want to

not expecting any of it to be this "It feels better though, right? Felt? Than the other stuff?"

he answers me

with a pull of his own

me back to him

my lips back to his

knowing absolutely that i'll lose control again

hurt him again

but letting me

and telling me that he'll take it

because it does

feel "Much better."

and telling me with _that _answer

that he's willing to live in pain

to take away mine

that he _never_ wanted me to feel


	35. Chapter 35

35.

"You really really really do want me?" i ask him

in the breathless way i would be if i could be

because of his kisses

that always left me exactly that way

and "Yes," he says in the same

because mine always left him too

his kind of breathless that i now understand

and feel

"Completely I do, Bella, and forever I will."

and i smile

because that's really really really good

and the way it makes me feel is

so completely good

and perfect

even though i'm still mad

at him

for what he did

and what he was going to do

especially that last part

REALLY MAD

mad enough to crack him one

another

a really really really good one

the best yet

and toss him around

like a Raggedy Andy doll

my raggedy Edward

who looks kind of

because i already did

and because he did to himself before i did

kind of

i think

but raggedy is not all he looks

it's not all at all

and the other way that he does...

look...

the beautiful way...

that makes me breathless too

makes me want to toss him around _too_

but there's more than one way to do that

"Good. That's really good, Edward. And I'm really glad... so glad that I want you to get rid of your family now. Because I want to be glad _alone _with you."

i really really REALLY do

and he knows it

knows what i mean

it's all over his face

his–even though he does–_shocked _and beautiful face

and loud and clear in his silence

and in my not "And you should tell them to go far... really far... because alone is going to be LOUD. I think."

like their laughter

and Jake's wolfy whimper

that i think was supposed to be a wolfy EEEEEEW

that i ignore

after i give him a HUSH puppy! glare

and turn back to Edward who's not giving me any kind of

but not giving me anything i want to see either

"Bella... not everything has changed... just because you are."

or want to hear

and telling me with what i do that i'm about to hear stupid again

because he's Edward

"Alone... and loud... while something I dream of with you... and can't wait for... is something I have to. And that you do. Because it's still something I dream of with you as my _wife_. And won't do with you any way but."

"So, your ass you'll let me crumble, but your virtue is hands off?"

"Yes. And, more–most–importantly, _yours _is."

talk about a broken record...

UGGGGGGGGH!

"Fine, Edward. Have it your way, as usual. But just remember that you had your chance."

"I'm honored to have had it, Bella."

"And you're stupid to think that's what I meant. Because I meant your chance at a _pardon_. Or a reprieve. From the ass-crumbling."

he nods

as if he expected that

knew it already

and then smiles again

telling me he's okay with it

and _will_ handle it

gladly

a little _too_ gladly if you ask me

me who's stupid too

because of all the of vampires in all the world...

i had to fall in love with the virtuous one

with the big fucking shiny and sparkly **V **on his chest

that he's proud to wear

and that i pretend is an **X **instead

that marks the spot

because he is

and i want to make him feel something else

"Ow."

"Handle it, virtue boy."

"Marry me, _beautiful _girl."

_Marry me..._

him...

_Beautiful..._

"Uuuchgh."

**..tq..**

**i loved my Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls. but i didn't toss them around. how about you? did any of you have them too? or have Edward and Bella dolls now? and what do you make THEM do if you do? hmmmm?**

**or you could just tell me your thoughts on mine. these two cute little dolls. or just let me know you're here at all... or _still_ if you haven't been. cuz it really seems like most of you aren't anymore. and sounds. you know... too quiet and all that. though i suppose crickets are technically _noisy_...**


	36. Chapter 36

36.

it's too quiet again

so quiet you could hear a pin drop into a pile of feathers

or a thousand-miles-from-here wind ruffle those of the birds in its path

or the ticking of a faraway clock

and certainly a near

the one in the kitchen in the house behind us

that marks the seconds of silence

tick

tick

tick

tick

TICK

the seconds that followed his _Marry me, beautiful girl_

and my _Uuuchgh_

the seconds that have been too many

for Edward

though he won't tell me that

won't complain

because even though they are they're seconds that he'll handle

wait for to pass no matter how long he has to

until i give him what he wants to

what he'd rather i know

_me_

the old fashioned way

and the complete

and the perfect for him sweet

and the– "I think the cat's got her tongue."

the seconds are too much for Emmett

apparently

and the fact that they were too much for Rose "Shut up or the dog will have yours. Because I'll feed it to it."

and i'm suddenly glad for the noise

_most _of it

though feel the need to correct some "The dog is a _he_. Not an it. And not a dog at all actually. Because, like you very well know, he's–"

like Emmett does and interrupts me to do "NOT getting my tongue because _you'd_ never give up getting it."

to Rose of course

which...

like Jake tried to say with his wolfy whimper...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!

a sentiment shared by him now too

shared by us all i think

except Rose of course

again

and Emmett i suppose

who's looking at her like...

well...

like a way that makes me feel sick frankly

until i look at Edward

and wish he was looking at me that way

in a hungry and willing way

and a cocky

because he is

Emmett not Edward

who can be sometimes

but who is only at this moment the first

the hungry

something i can't ignore anymore

because i know _he's_ ignored it for too long

"Well, Mr. Traditional... since you are so... and want me to be so with you... how about a little traditional courting first?"

"She means a big sparkly diamond, bro," Emmett says before Edward can say anything "You fucked up by asking without one. Not to mention how you fucked up by not getting down on one knee when you did."

"Would you like to be put on both of yours?" i ask him

and his answer–though he doesn't speak it–is apparently NO

because he doesn't say anything else at all

and just stands there and sulks with his hands folded across his massive expanse of a chest

that i'll turn to rubble if he doesn't stop irritating me

and interrupting

"I meant _dinner_," I clarify

to Edward "Would you have dinner with me first? Before we talk about anything else?" _and before you starve to death and we can talk about nothing? or ever DO?_

and he smiles at that clarification

the one he heard

and at me

and my proposal

until what it was...

and what i am...

now...

and how i _look_...

makes it fall from his beautiful face

and something else replace it

and the seconds of silence before there's not

because he takes it away "Bella, I can't do that."

**..tq..**

**think about how she _looks_. you know, before you get mad at him and call him stupid or whatever. which you may be calling me... or something even less nice... for leaving it there... but to not would have made it too long. and tomorrow is just a day away...**

**so, before i leave you on this, i want to say thank you. for yesterday. for letting me know you're still here. and didn't mostly–like i thought you did–make like a Cullen and leave. ;) i know not everyone reviews... and even less review every chapter, especially of a drabble-type thing... and some–so i've been told, wait for something worthy of leaving one for (OUCH)–but it's nice to know, even if only once in a blue (new!) moon... that you're not as alone as you feel. or think you are. ya know?**

**i hope you do. get that if nothing else. and have a great today. before i see you (even if i don't literally) tomorrow. xo**


	37. Chapter 37

**okay, so i think ONE person got that... the "Bella, I can't do that."... even though i gave a hint after it trying to help... but that's okay. Bella _did_ get it. and will explain it now.**

37.

the quiet settles again

because i let it

and let myself gather my thoughts

rein them in

and try to do the same with my temper

because this time his stupid isn't his fault

it's mine

and a bear's if we're being fair

"I'm not asking you to join the Donner Party, Edward. Just to dinner. You can choose your own entree. And even one for me if you'd like. Or if you're worried about what I'd choose for myself if you didn't."

"I don't think you'd like what I'd choose for you, Bella."

he's right about that

i wouldn't like it

and didn't all of the times i chose it for myself

and liked what the bear chose for me so much better

when it made me choose for those poor hikers...

it or me

"I know what I look like, Edward. Right now... But it's not entirely my fault that I look it. And that I did the thing that made me."

"I know it's hard, Bella. I'm not judging you. Or blaming, or–"

"I was doing it your way. Even though you weren't here. None of you. Even though I was all alone... and even though your way is gross... I _was_. But then I smelled another... and then heard why I could... smell it so strongly... stronger by the second... and louder... the pulsing... and the screaming... and the ripping apart of both...

"There were two. Hikers or climbers... and I think one of them had fallen or something and was hurt... and the other was just trying to help his hurt friend... get him out of here... get them...

"But then a bear did. _Get_ them. And then I... Well, no, I couldn't stop myself, and didn't even want to, but... well, it was merciful, too. My not stopping. I swear it was. Because what that bear was doing to them was not. And not fast, like what I did after I made it stop. The _only _time I did that thing. Which just happens to have been the last time I did–or had–_any_thing. And–"

"I know about bears, Bella," Emmett announces

and i don't get mad at him for interrupting me this time because i know he does

knows better than i ever could or would ever have wanted to

knows like those hikers did

"And I know that, whether you couldn't stop or didn't want to once you hadn't, that you DID do a merciful thing. No matter how much you liked it, which I know about, too, just like _everyone _else here. Including the 108 year old virgin. Whose ass I will kick _for _you if he pretends he doesn't and gives you any shit about it."

i laugh because i can't help it

because 108 year old virgin is funny

and because "Like I _need_ you to do that for me?"

_SO _funny...

to everyone but Edward

who isn't laughing or even smiling at either funny thing

or at his because-of-a-bear-and-another-merciful-vampire brother

or at me

who he's not smiling at because he's too busy looking at sadly

before looking at his family madly "All alone?"

REALLY madly

because even more than he may not like the way i look...

he doesn't like _that _part of why i do

the part they don't have to answer or explain out loud

because he can hear what they don't

that he shares with me in a way "I'd love to go have dinner with you, Bella. Because I'd love to do anything with you. And _every_thing. But also because I'm going to need my strength... for when we return. To _them_."

oh he _really _doesn't like it...

the everything that _they _did to me

and Edward not liking something...

as long as the something isn't me...

is...

well...

108 year old virgin?

who's starving and low on strength?

well we'll just see who returns with what

after our dinner

his...

and mine...

that i want to finish with a dessert

a big slice of virtue pie

after i make him run after me again

"Last one to the diner is a rotten egg!"


	38. Chapter 38

**a little longer than usual. hope no one minds. and too bad, i guess, if anyone does. mind it. or anything else... cuz it is what it is.**

38.

i thought my glitches were mostly gone

mostly fixed or replaced with somethings else

and that i did the things i do now with grace and finesse

but that was before i got to see Edward eat

for the first time

and then the second

and the third

_he really was starving..._

"I guess I've been doing it wrong," i tell him as he wipes some blood from my mouth and chin

"No, not wrong. Just a little messily."

he doesn't mean it in a mean way

his smile tells me that

but "Are you completely disgusted now?"

"No, I'm not disgusted at all. Not with you, anyway."

"You're mad at them."

"I'm furious at them."

"For what Rose did? Or what they all did after? Well, her and Emmett, I guess. And Carlisle, though I still don't know when or why he was here. I just know that he was and Jasper wasn't."

"I didn't know that part. And I know you didn't hear me get any explanations for what I do, Bella... about what Rose did... but I did get one. And I can't be mad at her for that. Not now... that you're right in front of me. And _alive_. Something you only are _because_ of what she did. Which is exactly what I would have done, the choice I would have made, if I'd been faced with it."

"It is?"

"Yes, Bella. It _is_."

"So, you're only mad–furious–about them leaving me alone after she did it?"

"No, I'm mad about other things, too... but some of those things are _complicated_, I guess, so..."

"Are you talking about Jake?"

he looks at me

long and deep

as if trying to get inside of me

my head at least

that he still can't hear

and my heart

that he just can't _anymore_

but knows he's still in

and not in there alone

"I can't be mad at Jake. I know that he was here for you, even if you didn't know it. That he came... as soon and as quickly as he could... even though he feared how he might find you. And would too late. And then feared in a different way how he did."

"Jasper said he can change back if he wants to. Is that true? Can he really? And does he not because he's really afraid of me?"

"Yes, it's true. He can change back, though I don't think it's quite as simple as merely wanting to. Especially if there's a significant threat to his doing so."

"He thinks I'm a threat? That I would hurt him?"

"Not enough not to be here. Or to stay. Even now, that there are many."

"If one of them lays an icecicled finger on him, it's snow cones for them!"

i said _them _because i know Edward wouldn't

wouldn't hurt me that way even if he wanted to hurt him

which i don't really think he does

even though Jake has never been his favorite person

well...

_wolf_person?

which makes sense i suppose

now...

much more sense if the story Jake told me was true than the reason he used to give me...

that Jakes feelings for me were different than mine for him

different and more

more complex and more layered

and completely visible if i'd stop telling him he was just being crazy and jealous and look at what was there instead

which i didn't because there was nothing to look at or see

and he _was _just being crazy and jealous

and overprotective

and ridiculous

because Jake could never have thought of me or looked at me in any way but as a friend

the same way i could only ever have thought of or looked at him

because seriously...

talk about EEEEEEEEEW

that's just plain gross

i mean Jake's cute and all but...

yeah just NO

"They won't. I promise. Now, are you ready to go back?"

"Go back?"

"Yeah... to the house. And your unwanted guests. And your not."

well i...

wait a minute...

i had a plan...

a plan for pie!

what the hell happened?

how did i forget?

and get so distracted?

by...

damn you ADD vampire brain!

"I know you wouldn't know this, but Jake is starving. I mean, he can eat... the way we just did... sort of... but he really doesn't like to. And would prefer his meals _cooked_."

"He is? And he would?"

"Yes."

damn it

of course he would

in this form or the other

the one he won't let me see

because he's afraid to

and therefore couldn't tell me he was starving

which...

just like i couldn't with Edward...

i can't ignore now

damn you wolfpuppy!

"Okay. I don't want him to starve. We can go back and I'll make him something. I think there's still some chicken in the freezer. From _before_... It should still be good, I think."

"He'll be very grateful."

"Yeah..."

good for him

and for Edward

the 108 year old virgin

depending on whose virginal view you look at

and bad for me

one of them

the virginal view-holders

because...

I WANTED PIE!

**..tq..**

**i'm going to say it before anyone else can... I'M A TEASE. Lol.**

**but if you still love me... or any of them, at least, i'll see you tomorrow. for today, you'll just have to go to Baker's Square or something. bawahahaha...**


	39. Chapter 39

39.

as mad as i was about having gotten distracted from my pie plan we rushed back with no distraction at all

because my pie plan had glitches too

dangerous ones

because i left my friend _with_

left him all alone

"Jake!" i call as we get close

praying i would have heard a call or cry for help from him if he needed any

but stopping that praying as he answers me telling me he didn't

with a howl that doesn't sound weak or hurt

before i see him

because he ran to meet us making sure i think that i didn't need his

"She's fine, she was just worried about _you_," Edward says

telling me i was right

before Jake tells me with his wolfy_ Hmmmpf _that i was silly to be

before giving Edward a wolfy glare that i think says _Stay out of my head, undead. We were doing just fine without you._

which i don't think is really true since he's starving and i didn't know it

"I'm sorry I was being so selfish," i tell my furry and also undead starving friend, "And didn't understand that I was. I'm going to make you something to eat now, okay?"

he nudges my hand with his furry head

a thank you i know

and then we walk together back towards the house

that when we reach we don't find anyone outside of

because they're _in_

"Vampires are rude," i announce "They never wait for invitations inside anywhere."

and Edward smiles

crookedly and sheepishly

because he was rude once too

because before he was ever invited inside of my house he _was_ IN it

and in my room

where he would let himself in every night to watch–and _listen _to me i later found out–sleep

which was really kind of creepy if you really think about it

not that i did then

that way

because i was too mesmerized by him to

and let's face it

the cold hard–i crack myself up!–truth

too STUPID

"I'd give anything to know what you're thinking, Bella."

_I'm sure you would, creepy stalker spoiled rotten virtued golden boy..._

like to hear me call someone stupid besides you...

but "Yeah, well, maybe Rose's vampire juice wasn't potent enough to fix everything that was wrong with me."

"There was nothing wrong with you, Bella."

and _sweet_...

and sweetly golden eyed

that i wonder if i am too

now...

after our dinner together

or still what says i'm not sweet at all

which i run into the house to see

straight to a mirror that will give me the truth

the cold hard still-_red_ truth

that disappoints me

"Give it time," Jasper says coming up behind me "It will fade the more you eat. Or _drink_, more specifically."

and i nod because i want to believe him

what he said this time and the other

which makes me turn around and look for my furry friend

so that i can tell him i want to see him look not

except i don't see him at all "Where's Jake?"

"Still outside," Rosalie answers "Where reeking, stinking dogs belong."

"Not at my house, they don't," i tell her "At my house in which we're about to have a snow cone party. That _you'll_ be the star of if you say one more thing I don't like."

she rolls her eyes at me but rushes to my front door to play hostess

telling me she doesn't really like snow cones

and really doesn't want to be one

"Here, doggie, doggie, doggie!"

and then reminding me that i don't care what she wants

and that she's too stupid to keep herself from being turned into what she doesn't

and to remember what she turned me into

which i just reminded her of

and which really did sound like ice being crumbled and crushed into a snow cone

like my doorway now is

a wooden one

because i turned her into a non-human wrecking ball

before i dropped her in the crumbled ruins of what she wrecked

while no one else moved a muscle

"You had that comin, babe."

besides that one after

and the ones that move now

when someone–or _thing _i guess technically–does

move all of his

because Jake–still in his furry thing form–comes to the once upon a time doorway now

and stands in the middle of its crumbled ruin

and on top of

and my snow cone

with his furry thing butt positioned right over the top–_face_–of

"Aw, geez, but not THAT!" Emmett cries out

though you can barely hear it over the laughter of everyone else

who disagrees with him

everyone else that wasn't the star of the snow cone party of course

in my house

in this middle of nowhere place

that isn't too quiet anymore

**..tq..**

**hehehe...**

**so, what's everyone's favorite snow cone flavor? mine is grape. and Bella's, _obviously_, is bitch. :P**


	40. Chapter 40

**i think cherry was the winning flavor yesterday. but coconut was a close second. which... I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS SUCH A THING! I LOVE COCONUT! coconut everything! food, lotion, candles... and i'd love to put those all together with Edward...**

**oops... guess i get distracted, too. sorry. (not really) you can read now. :P**

40.

Jacob didn't add toppings to my snow cone

it was a snow cone after all and not an ice cream sundae...

but i think maybe that was just because he hadn't had anything to eat in awhile

and because he was–unlike the rude vampires–trying to respect me and my house

like when he wiped his paws on Rosalie's hair before he came further into it

you know... since her hair was covering the mat...

i mean what else was a polite wolfpuppy supposed to do?

a polite and helpful wolfpuppy

and a really warm...

that helped me thaw the chicken by laying his warm wolfpuppy body on the top of it

before he laid that wolfpuppy body on the floor next to my feet in front of the stove

to take a nap

but not only to i don't think

because wolfpuppies are playful and warm and helpful...

but they're loyal and loving too

and show that loyalty and love in the only ways they can

and ways that show they're trusting that that loyalty and love is and will be reciprocated

and returned to them

by trusting the one they give it to enough to go to sleep surrounded by other things that show it and want to give it none

like Rosalie

who only has one form

and who drops a large bowl onto the floor with a clatter in front of my now-awake wolfpuppy

"You're really asking for it," i tell her with my still red and glaring at her eyes that wish she was human

"What? I'm _helping_," she declares

trying to look innocent

and pulling it off about as well as Hitler's army could

"Not yourself."

"Fine," she says now

rolling her golden eyes and setting a full place on the floor instead

complete with plate fork knife napkin and glass "Is that better? I mean, I don't see how he's going to use any of it, but are _you _happy now? O baby bipolar one?"

_baby bipolar one?_

oh i got her baby...

like baby Bam Bam

BAM

BAM

BAM

damn this is fun

BAM

BAM

"Bella..."

BA– ooooh velvet...

"Yes, Edward?"

"The chicken's going to burn."

"Well, can you get it? Because I want to turn Barnalie into rubble."

"Just ignore Barnalie. I do."

"Yeah, well, I thought when we got back here you weren't going to. You know... because you're furious."

and i really wanted to see that...

furious angry Edward

with 108 years of virginal virtuous frustration to furiously unleash

while i watched...

because he won't let me do anything else

or unleash it on _me_

who's distracted again...

because the chicken really is going to burn

and it smells bad enough not

seriously... uuuuuugh

can vampires throw up?

i ponder that as i throw Barnalie Rubble down one last time

to tend to Jake's nauseating dinner

that i'd like to see him eat at the dinner _table _"Jacob, could you change back now, please?"

because to be honest...

he doesn't smell so great either

and i really don't want to give him a bath

"You know if he changes back he'll be naked..." Emmett says as he picks up Barnalie Rubble off of the floor

and i hadn't thought of that

and Edward didn't leave any clothes here

because when he left he didn't leave anything at all but me

because he wanted it to be like he never existed at all

just like he stupidly promised

and he didn't bring any with him when he came back

to see that i was the one who didn't

because of his stupid promise

and the other come backers didn't bring anything either

and nothing of mine would fit him

"I told Alice to bring us all clothes," Jasper says

reading my thoughts i think

though that isn't supposed to be _his_ gift

"I'll call her again and tell her to bring some for Jake, too. And maybe by the time they get here, he'll be ready to..."

he doesn't finish whatever he was going to say

but Jake does

finishes for him

by inching the bowl still lying on the floor across it

until it touches my feet that he's again right next to

telling me he'll stay near–and the rest of me–but _this_ way

so i gently touch his warm furry this way head

and then pick up the empty bowl to make it full

before _he_ doesn't exist at all

"Okay, Jacob."

**..tq..**

**Barnalie Rubble... i crack myself up! but not only. because i almost did it literally and turned _myself_ into rubble this morning. see my fb status if you want to know what that means. and why today i would like my snow cone flavor to be Aleve or Tylenol or Advil... or all three. like a cocktail. cuz ow. :(**

**see you tomorrow. complete with a very large bruise, i'm sure.**


	41. Chapter 41

**this one's a little shorter. and a little seriouser.**

41.

"We did the best we could with the information we had, Edward. We–"

"The best you could?!"

"_Yes_. Well, made the best _decision_."

"You thought leaving her here all alone after what you did was the best decision?!"

"Said the pot to the kettle."

ouch

she's got him there

but to get him...

like that...

that way...

is for me to do not her "Edward's trial has been put on hold, Rose. And _I_–the prosecutor, judge, _and _jury–will decide when that court reconvenes. Not you."

"Look..." she says

to him because she heard me "What was done was done. And the nature of that was going to run its course with or without us here to watch it. But the other course... the one you were on because of the one you thought she'd reached the end of... well, it wasn't too late to change that one. And so we left–yes, all _three _of us–and her alone, though not completely, to try to. To get to you in time, and tell you that there was a third that the two of you could run together."

"One of you could have stayed with her!"

i'm not sure Edward heard everything she said...

based on what he said

but i did

"You were here the whole time?" i ask Jake

and his eyes look sad as they tell me what he can't

and then Edward's do

because he can tell him

and did i think

before Rose decides to tell him something else "We talked about it... but he _was _here. And it would have been dangerous for just _one _of _us_ to stay. Carlisle wanted to, believe me... he felt horrible about leaving her. Especially after he'd gotten here too late to...

"Well... but he talked to Jake. Jake changed for him so he could. And so he could tell him that _he_ wouldn't leave her no matter how dangerous it was for him not to and to be here with her alone. And how important it was that she was by us so that _you _could know _what _she was, or would soon be. Before what she is now had run its course.

"Because, he told him, he knew you weren't stupid, no matter how you sometimes acted. And that you wouldn't be... that you'd come running to not be if you only knew. And that you doing that was the only hope of her ever being happy again, because for her, the girl who was worth _any_ risk to _both_ of you, there was only you.

"Then he changed back, and they came back from their one on one chat, and we left. And, I'll admit, _all _with the same hope that she wouldn't kill him, while we tried to stop you from killing yourself for her."

no more words are spoken

but many are heard

by Edward i'm sure

but by me too

so many...

_too _many

including some i've heard before

but didn't believe

never ever believed

but know now i was stupid not to have

because they were true

true and...

_Oh, Jake..._

**..tq..**

**i know most or all of you probably couldn't care less about the wolfpuppy... but, in this, my story, i love him. and so does Bella, even though it's only–and will only ever be–Edward for both of us. kay?**


	42. Chapter 42

42.

did i say that vampires were rude?

yeah? well that's because they are "What are you looking for? And why are you looking for it in my cabinets?"

"Air freshener. Your house reeks."

see?

RUDE

but i'm a vampire now too so "If you don't like the air in my house, Rose, LEAVE it."

"You'd kick a person out of your house before a dog?"

"One, if you were attempting to refer to _yourself _just now, you're not a person. Two, the wolfpuppy STAYS. And three–"

"Does he sit and roll over, too?"

"Did you say _kick_? Because I could totally go for some kicking. I've never tried it before, because that would have surely spelled disaster for the old me, but something tells me, by nature of me being the _new _me now, courtesy of old, HAGGARD you, that my kung fu is strong."

"You're insane."

"What's the matter, Barnalie? Don't you like the monster you created?"

"No, actually, I don't. And stop calling me that."

"Well, thank yourself, or hate, but don't blame me, because I didn't ask for this. And... MAKE ME."

"You know your psycho strength is temporary, right, She-Ra?"

"She-Ra? Is that really the best you can do, Barnalie?"

"I would give my left nut for a giant pool full of Jello right now."

Emmett is a moron

clearly

and a forgetful one apparently

since i've already handed his woman her tits–and his? EEEEW–more times than i can count

or maybe that's the problem

maybe he just can't count

so i hold up two fingers

you know...

so as not to overwhelm him with a huge number like three or anything "Hey, Betty, how many is this?"

but maybe i should have stuck with one

like that nut he's not too attached to

cuz yeah he looks confused

until he looks like someone just flipped a light on in his head "It's the number of virgins in the room!"

and now he looks proud

until he gets confused again

without anyone flipping anything

well except me

flipping him the bird

which is one finger by the way

and one that he laughs at

before he points the same number of his at Jake "Hey, pup! Was two correct? Or does Bella need to hold up another finger?"

Bella _does_

and so i do

flip him off with my other hand

but he's not even looking at me this time

because he's still looking at Jake

and stupidly waiting for an answer

stupidly and impatiently "Well, does she? Or have you been gettin' your doggy style on?"

"Leave him alone, Betty," i warn "Or you'll be giving up both nuts, and then your new name will have new meaning."

"Actually, Bella," Edward interjects before Operation Castration can begin "he wants to answer him. But he wants to do it outside."

"Not without me," i say

not because i want to _hear?_ the answer

but because i don't want to hear something else

i don't think Emmett would hurt my wolfpuppy...

but i think he probably _could_

and because i know my friend

really i do

no matter what i _didn't _know

i _do_ know him

and i think he's up to something

and as he picks up his empty dinner bowl and brings it to me i know i'm right

because he gives me a wolfpuppy wink

before running through the gaping hole in the front of my house where a door used to be

with not only Emmett and me behind him but Edward and Jasper and Rose too

all of whom stop in our tracks in the snow

because Jake did in his

before he started pawing at them

making Emmett think he was drawing him a picture or something

Emmett who bends down to see

right as my wolfpuppy lifts his leg to pee

and we all laugh with pure glee

well...

all except for pee-face Betty and Barnalie

**..tq..**

**sorry about yesterday. and this morning, too. but not about this. not about this at all. :)**


	43. Chapter 43

43.

"You're going to die, _mutt_."

"Wanna bet?"

"Mind your own business, Bella."

"Mind _yours_, Rose. This is between Jake and Emmett."

and me of course if Emmett can't appreciate the humor of the situation

but i think he can

or will anyway when he's done washing the wolfpuppy pee off of his face

because as vampires go

Emmett really is a cool one

_cool one_... HA!

really though...

that pun wasn't intended

and 'cool' was

because at times moronic or not...

i've always liked Emmett

other than his taste in vampire women of course

that's questionable as hell

but i won't dwell on it

or question it at all

because i might actually find out if vampires can throw up or not if i do

and because Emmett never questioned Edward's taste in human girls

other than he had _any_ at all

other than the kind they _all_ had but gave up

though i don't know if 'girls' were any of their tastes or not

maybe they preferred the taste of boys

or the more 'full' fullness of

you know...

just because they're usually bigger than girls

i don't know if there's any other difference

i've only tasted boys

and they...

well i really shouldn't think about what _they _were

or how they tasted

and should ask Edward if this getting so easily distracted thing is normal for this extraordinarily abnormal thing we are

or just another glitch in abnormal me

that like i said a few seconds ago...

Emmett never questioned

or made fun of him–or me–for

he was always nice to me

and even waggled his eyebrows at me once when I put on the dress Alice threatened to hold me down and put on me for me if i didn't do it myself for my birthday party

the party after which–and which Jasper thought i was ten kinds of irresistible too and so it went horribly wrong–they all left Forks and Edward brought me here

because he hadn't yet decided to leave me behind

or tell himself he didn't want my then brand of abnormal

my then not now

which he's looking at

which i see him do a lot

now that he's back

and which i like to see him do

because of the way he does

because he does in a way that tells me he wants to always

now that i'm perfect for him

and that i am even though i'm not perfect at all

and even though i have some new issues

some hostility variety ones

that i think he wants to relieve me of at this moment "Knock it off, Rose. No one's going to do anything to the wolf."

"Shut up, _Pebbles_. And go find the bone that fell out of your hair, cuz it's a mess without it."

oh no she didn't...

no one can recast the Flintstones but me!

and _Pebbles_?

for my pretty pebbles of virtue _boy_?

"Sorry, Betty, I can't wait for your pool of Jello, so snow is going to have to do!"

Betty looks confused by my welcome back

but that's not all that abnormal...

and i clear it up for him pretty quickly

by making Barnalie eat snow

the _yellow _snow to be exact

that he definitely understands

since his face was an icy version of before he left to wash it

and before he came back to distort its freshly washed "Ew, babe! A mouthful is so much worse than a face spray!"

yeah it is!

and noise...

no matter what color it is...

is so much better than quiet

**..tq..**

**hi. and sorry again. for yesterday. sort of. because this not coming yesterday morning was intentional, because i was determined that Edward and Isabella would first... the Edward and Isabella in Right There... you know... being it was their wedding night and all...**

**and they did. well... _she_ did. but that was more his doing than mine... Masen! hehehe... Masen! Masen! Masen! Masen! Masen! **

**yeah, if you want to know what all that Masening is about you'll have to go read it. and Come Closer first if you haven't. because Right There is the sequel to that. if anyone didn't know that.**

**so, where was i? yeah, yesterday... i did intend to give you this last night, which still would have counted as yesterday, but rl intended something else. unexpected company, a dreaded trip to Walmart, and then a long long distance phone call didn't leave me any time to make good on my intention. and i was feeling emo, so my emo mind was better suited to hang out with FBoFWward instead of the pee party kids even when i did have a few minutes. WHICH, i'm sad to say, may be just that this entire new week. my minutes... FEW. my rl week is going to be crazy this, so i'm giving a heads up now. i can't promise daily updates during it. i'll try, but that's all i can guarantee. and _if_ i get them out, it may be at night instead of in the morning like today, and most every other. **

**so i hope you'll bear with me. and not leave me. because i'm not leaving you, i'm just going to be pulled in too many other directions this week.**

**see you as soon as i can. and remember... though i love it in rl, quiet in this one makes me sad. ;)**

**P.S! ffn has been squishing the hell out of words, so, though i try to fix that and re-add the spaces, they don't always stay. every time i save it does it again. grrr. **

**okay, now that's it. bye!**


	44. Chapter 44

*******read the e/n please. there's some questions for you all in it. and a rec. and some other stuff.**

44.

Emmett does have a sense of humor

his yellow snow cone eating mate?

yeah no

or any sense AT ALL

because when she gets up (because i let her)

and spits her yellow snow cone out

she spits it at _me_

or tries to anyway

because she underestimates how fast i can move now

courtesy of her

and her spitting something else _into _me

something that i don't really know what color is

or really care i guess

because right now i only care about something else

that she missed

and why–even if i wasn't faster than a speeding yellow snow cone spit bullet–she _still _would have

because neither Edward or Jake would have let her not miss

or me get hit

they both jumped in the way

to protect me even though i don't need them to

my not needing them to wasn't the point

my being _me _was

the point and the reason for their collide

that brought out their true enemy nature for a split second

before–for me (and maybe also my _Please don't! _wail)–they put it back away

and joined forces again

a dynamic duo

like Batman and Robin

ooooh...

Edward would look so dreamy in a Batman suit...

and a cape...

as the Caped Crusader

fighting evil

and for justice

and for me

instead of for virtue

mine and his own

_so dreamy..._

a dream i'd love to let keep distracting me

and let play out in my head

especially since Edward can't get in there

but that i can't

because he's somewhere else

right in front of starting-to-focus me

with his sidekick

because the yellow snow cone spitter with no sense AT ALL is stupidly coming at

trying to get at

and through the dynamic duo barrier guarding

"Guys? I love your Team Bella crusade... really I do... and I might even run out and buy you matching shirts... because I would love you, Jake, to wear one again... even though I'd love you, Edward, to take yours off and _never_... but I don't need you to protect me. And would love you both to let her at me. So that I can show her how stupid it really is, for once and for all, to try to get."

i know they both heard me

that they _all _did

because i saw Jake's wolfpuppy ears

perk up and point back to

and the smirk form on Edward's mouth

because he _did _hear _every _word i said

and Emmett's massive arms wrap around his massive bitch in a death grip

because he doesn't want me to wrap her in my own

and Jasper's face contort with concentration

that creeps me out a little frankly "And you, Mellow Yellow... you're going to hurt yourself. Take one of your own pills and chill. _Further_."

yeah...

they _all _heard me

but not only

and i don't only hear their silence

because our party of six isn't just a anymore

because it just got bigger

bigger that i can see

and louder

that i can hear

with the sound of a tiny little bell "Hi, Bella!"

that more than i want anything else...

i want to ring

**..tq..**

**you were supposed to get this last night. but i was too spitting (literally) mad to focus on giving it to you. and then, because i was, and because i didn't get my nightly caffeine fix–which is what the spitting was all about–i fell asleep. early. really early. like 8-ish early. ugh. DAMN YOU, COCA COLA BOTTLING COMPANY! (Last night's mine fb status will explain this to anyone who wants to know.) so you got it today instead.  
**

**AND i want to ask your opinions on what you have been getting from the beginning... is this thing labeled correctly? you know, with the drama/supernatural tag? obviously the second was the only way i could go, but the first... does drama fit this? or would something else fit better? or better _with_ the drama? should i add a humor? **

**AND AND those last couple of lines... i'm laughing at one in particular. and i think someone else will be, too. though i can't say _who_... but she knows who she is. and you all know who the bell is, right? that Bella wants to ring? i know i don't want to _be_ it. ruh roh.**

**AND AND AND for those of any of you who like to laugh, i have a rec. if (doubtful) there are any who haven't already read it... (i'm usually really late to the party)... go read Curve Ball by staceleo. cuz it's funny shit. _really_ funny shit. that makes me laugh nearly everyday, whether i make myself or any of you or not. **

**AND AND AND AND that's all for now. kisses, hugs, and giggles, my darlings.**

**AND p.s. ... i have a batman fantasy. it's Christian Bale's fault. FUCK. ME. please, o caped one? *sigh***


	45. Chapter 45

45.

i hold my hand up as Alice rushes towards me

telling her to stop

and she looks like i slapped her

or punched

or dropkicked her into space and then brought her back again

like a boomerang

or a yo-yo

even though i didn't

didn't touch her at all

i want to...

i really really do

touch her

with my hostility variety issues

and to not is a struggle

such a struggle...

one i'm not sure i can win

in the way that would let her

because i want to so bad

win in the way that wouldn't

so much worse and so much more than so bad

SO MUCH

for what she did

and what Edward could have done because she did

and what she didn't do

and what i couldn't because she didn't

and then what happened to me after

again because

and then what happened to me next

after it all...

"I don't want you here. Go back to where you came from. To your cruel and selfish and heartless oblivion."

_go back, Alice_

_go–_

"I don't understand, Bella..." she starts

but i shake my head before she can go any farther

and take a step back before she can come any further

any closer

and before _i _can go TOO FAR

because she's stupidly ignoring me and trying to again

reach me

and reach out to

and "I said NO! Can't you _hear _me, either?!"

everyone else can...

and they do

hear me loud and clear

so really...

why can't she?

or why won't she listen if she can?

and stop?

"I'll hurt you, Alice." i tell her

because i will and i want her to understand that

but i don't think she does

"No, you won't."

see?

i was right

and she's wrong

because "I _want_ to hurt you, Alice."

and everyone knows it but her

believes it

and me

because they all move

wanting to protect her

and to distract me i think

"Be angry with _me_, Bella." Carlisle tells me

stepping closer to me now

and gently pushing his wife who was trying to too behind him

like Jasper already pushed Alice behind _him_

"No one else. Just me. Please. And know, if you can, that I am _truly _sorry for all of the pain, and grief, and suffering that my family has caused you."

he's sorry?

_truly _sorry?

well i don't know what i'm supposed to say to that

or to him

i just don't know...

so i just say nothing at all

to him or to anyone

and listen as Edward says something "Don't apologize for me, Carlisle. I can do that for myself. And take responsibility for my own actions and decisions, and everything that Bella felt or feels because of them."

and then i turn and walk away

before he or anyone can say anything else

and then turn my walk into a run

and run as far and as fast as i can

away from them

the _family_

that the head of tried to take responsibility for

and say he was sorry for

_truly_ sorry

that just wasn't good enough

for me

who truly has none

because none of them took responsibility for anything at all

**..tq..**

**i hope this makes sense. i'm sorry if it doesn't. my mind is all over the place. but mostly–and this is a completely new thing for me–on a fic i'm reading. and that's breaking my freaking heart. because there's an Edward in it (who is one of the most amazing ones i've ever read and who i'm completely in love with)whose is. and i just can't get him or it out of my head. it's called The Loving Kind, and it's by thimbles, if you want to know. **

**and this, and that, is all i have for today. maybe (i hope) i'll see you on another.**


	46. Chapter 46

46.

Edward's gifted path into my thoughts may be blocked by my own gift

my one of glitches

but my gift of newborn vampbaby speed is no match for his century plus perfected

he catches up to–and me–easily

with a smooth velvet whisper in my ear "Bella..."

and a fierce crushing grip around my pain

his arms around me are like a vice

one i know i could break free of...

even though they are...

if i wanted to...

but one i don't

want to or do

because his touch can't hurt me now

his not holding back

his not careful

and his not afraid

he can only hurt me now if he does and is those things

and if he thinks too much

and worries too much

about the consequences of his actions

and if he only let me hear quiet

instead of the beautiful melodic noise of him

which he doesn't "Please don't run away. I was wrong when I did it. To you...

"And you... you're so much better than that. So much better than me. Better than wrong. Better than everything."

i'm better?

so much better?

even after everything he's heard and seen and _felt _me do?

"And you're _right_. And _have _every right to be upset. And angry. And want to hurt... _all _of us."

"You didn't want me to hurt her." i tell him

because he didn't and i know it

"No, I really didn't." he tells me and that i'm right "But that's just because I like Alice. Just like I know you do. Which is why you tried so hard not to even though you really wanted to."

"I still really want to." i admit

and "I know." he says telling me he does

and that he doesn't blame me for it

or for anything

because after he says it he kisses my hair

and makes it stand on end a little i think

or me know that it would if it could

if anything could make it

anything that isn't anything at all because it's only him

that could and that would and that is...

_who _is...

here

not letting me run away from what and how i feel

or from him

but "Edward, let go." i tell him

and he listens

and he _does_

because even though he can't hear my thoughts...

he _can _hear my voice

and what's in it

and what's not

my let go wasn't angry

or hostile

it was soft

unlike i've been to him

which i remind him of when i turn around to face him even though he already knows

"I didn't try very hard with you. I didn't try at all. Not to hurt you."

"No, you didn't."

"And you didn't try at all to make me _not _hurt you."

"No, I didn't."

i reach up and touch his face

that isn't bruised or hurt in any way

and that isn't angry

isn't anything but beautiful

beautiful and here for me to see

"You know I like you, right? Even though I didn't try not to?"

"Yes, I know." he says

and then smiles

his beautiful and crooked

his 'for me'

that it hurt so bad not to see

so much more than so bad

that makes me forget everything else for a second or two

and tell him i haven't forgotten anything

any of the pain he caused me

that lasted so much longer than seconds

tell him and show him

and make him _feel_...

how hard it was

which makes him flinch

but do nothing else

and do it _still _here

"I mean, it may not seem like it right now..." i add to what i said before "...but I really like you _a lot_."

"Well, things aren't always what they seem, so..."

"So, you understand?"

"Yes, Bella, I understand."

"And like _me_? Anyway?"

"Yes, Bella. And every."


	47. Chapter 47

**a little bitty noisy thing. because i have a big to do today. that i don't know if will be noisy or not... but that i don't want to dwell on right now. because dwelling will make me panic... and not be able to do anything at all. i wish Jasper could come with me... :(**

47.

i wish it really was every

the way Edward liked me

and that he'd let himself know every possibility of

_feel _every

and all

of_ me_

who likes him every too

even though i don't always act like it

and didn't just

i wish...

but i wished for this too

this other chance to wish that

to have it

to be given it

and him back

where i could want him

see him

and feel him

and hear him

instead of what i saw and felt and heard without him

the loneliness

and the emptiness

and the quiet that was too

that after a while i left

before i came back to it

i ran away...

because i couldn't stand it anymore

and wanted

_more_

something

anything

that i went back home to find

and _not_

because what i found...

makes me not want to try anymore

not want to try _not to_

hurt her

her who let it happen

her who _didn't _try

didn't try _not to_ let it

she LET IT

and let me find it

him

my dad

_not _anymore

not alive to be

not anything

but what _she _let him be

and what i want her to feel

answer for

SUFFER for

and hurt

i want...

and turn around now and run back

as fast as i can and as far as i need to

to...

"YOU LET MY FATHER DIE!"

**..tq..**

**and if i don't today, or end up lost forever in the middle of nowhere, i'll see you tomorrow.**


	48. Chapter 48

48.

i don't know what Alice is more shocked by

the thing i said to her...

or the thing i _did_

that i wish was more than one thing

but one shot at her was all i got

one ring of the bell

_hers_

before they stopped me

her family

before they rang another to tell me my class was over

my class that i'd only just begun to teach

no one laid a hand on me...

no one except Edward

but theirs on her made it hard for me to put mine _back _on her

and Edward's on me…

and his arms around…

again…

are making it hard for me to remember that i want mine anywhere but on him

until the little bell reminds me that i do "I didn't _let _him die, Bella. I didn't know… didn't see… until it was too late."

reminds me with a LIE

because that's not what she does

she doesn't not know or not see until it's too late

she doesn't have a glitch

i know what she does have

what Edward told me a long time ago that she did

_Alice can see the future_

"I don't believe you. You saw… what I'd see. After. And what I'd find… and you did nothing to stop it. Nothing to change it. Nothing but send them here to make sure I'd have to live with it forever. And with nothing else."

"Bella, no…"

"YES, Alice. Admit it."

"No, that's not true. I'd never do that to you."

"You did it."

"You can't believe that about me, Bella. That I'd ever be so cruel. Or could ever. Especially to you…"

"Especially to me?"

"Yes. Of course especially to you. You're my friend. And practically my sister. I _love _you."

"My Gmail says differently, Alice. And my phone… and my mailbox…and... let's see, what else? Oh yeah… my DEAD FATHER."

"I know I didn't– Edward didn't want me to– Want any of us to– I'm _sorry_, Bella. No one wanted it to be harder for you than it already was after he–

"That's the only reason, honey, I swear. But Charlie… I would never do what you think I did. I would never have let it happen if I could have stopped it. I loved him too."

"How lucky for him. And for me."

i think i know what my vampire gift is

it's the gift of flinch

of making people

even without touching them

though i enjoy doing it more with

but nonetheless i have the gift

the gift that _none _of them like

"I went, Bella…" Carlisle says

because he's one of the none of them "...to see if there was anything at all I could do. To see if there was any hope that it wasn't too late. It's why I got _here _too late, and Rosalie had to make the choice that I would have."

"You mean the one you then all left me alone to suffer through after?"

"Yes. And the one that I'm sorry that we did."

_yeah i'm sure you are Carlisle… _

_sorry... _

now…

_and that you came back…_

_though i know it wasn't for me_

"Yeah, well, save it. "

because i don't want to hear it

because i've decided i liked the quiet better

because the quiet didn't lie to me

didn't use me

or try to make a fool of me

it just _was_

like i just _am_

and am of no use to them anymore

because what they needed me for...

they _have_

because Edward is here

in one perfect and alive and beautiful _theirs_ piece

and the only reason i'm anywhere

knowing or doing anything

like breaking free of his hold on me

like i am now

before they can convince _him _to break me free of it

"Come on, Jake…" i say after i do

and after he lets me

and head back into the house

with my only friend

the only person or thing i trust

the only one that came…

and _stayed_…

for only me


	49. Chapter 49

49.

"Alice's visions aren't perfect, Bella. And aren't without flaws, and sometimes holes."

Edward didn't let me walk away from him

away without him

he hasn't since he got here

_back _here

but is it for me?

that he didn't this time?

or is it because when i walked away from him this time i didn't do it alone?

and took Jake with me?

"She can't see through the wolves. Which is why, once Jacob got here, and stayed here with you, she couldn't see you. Or let me hear anything different than she already had."

"This isn't about me, Edward, it's about my dad. And what happened to him. What she _let _happen."

"Your dad wasn't alone, Bella."

"He _was _alone! Alone because I left him! For _you_! And for nothing! And so that you could just turn around and leave _me_! With! Nothing!"

"If I'd known any of this would happen…"

"You would have if Alice gave a fuck!"

"Don't blame her, Bella. Blame _me_. It's all my fault."

"Lots of things are your fault, Edward, but not that… not what happened to my dad. What happened to him is hers. And I will never forgive her for it."

he looks away from me

out the open doorway that she and the rest of them stand beyond

proving that they know what manners are

and merely choose when not to have them

or proving that they don't care

about me or how i feel

which i already knew

heard loud and clear in the screams that ripped their way out of my throat when i found my dad and his drained of sound and life

before i ran to the one person i had left and was cruelly told that i was wrong

and that i had _no one_ left

and nothing but my tears

that no one would hear me cry or wipe away

before i came back here

alone

to be but not

not for long

and not with no one to hear my cries

cause them

and then silence them

and then leave me in

or something

those details aren't very clear to me

because no one cared enough to make them

cared enough or at all

and only made me what they needed me to be

a tool to bring Edward back

to the place he'd chosen to leave long before

the place where Jake came to

on his own

Jake whose wolfpuppy body is close to mine

the fur of it touching my leg

but whose beautiful wolfpuppy eyes are on Edward

whose beautiful golden vampire ones are on him now

and seem to be silently pleading with him for something

before that silence is broken "I'll protect you. We all will. You have my word."

"Protect him from what?" i ask

because i don't need him or any of them to do that

_I _can do it without their help

but he doesn't answer my question

and asks one of his own instead

but not to me "Please, Jacob?"

and i don't hear Jake's answer either

but i feel it

whatever it is

because he rubs his head against me

and then i see it

because then he runs right out the gaping hole of my doorway

right out it and away from me

and the huge gaping hole in my heart

in my heart _again_

that his doing so just made

and that AGAIN

is all _Edward's_ fault


	50. Chapter 50

**hello there. PLEASE READ THIS. if anyone (but about 3 of you?) still is here/there after yesterday. because yesterday... yikes. i haven't had an inbox full of that much hate for a Bella since i finished Come Closer. and can't say that i loved it any more than i never did that... but i do love _her_. (BOTH of them) and will let her be what she is and feel how she feels and figure out her way through it all regardless of how anyone else feels about it. is it annoying? maybe. it's what i'm being told, anyway. will it take her forever to stop being? of course not. but you have to remember that Alice and Carlisle (and Esme) just got here, and are the two people, after Edward, who she feels the most hurt by. if you care to remember or know anything at all at this point.**

**oh, and what happened at the end of the last chapter... some of you knew absolutely what it meant. Bella... absolutely did _not_, so...**

**now that all of my points have been made...**

50.

"I hate you."

"Bella…"

"I hate you and I wish with everything that I am and everything that I ever was that I never met you."

"Bella, you don't mean that."

"I do mean it. I _do_, and wish I never, _ever _meant anything else."

"That's because you don't understand, sweetheart..."

"I don't understand? Well, you know what, Edward? You're right, I don't. I don't understand _you_. Why you always have to have _everything _your way. But even more than that… I don't understand why everyone _always _lets you have it.

"_Everyone_… when what you want most… what you have to have your way with more than any other thing... is to hurt me… and take everything and everyone away from me. I _don't _understand. What did I ever do to you?"

"Oh, Bella, you're so confused… and I'm so sorry…"

_no you're not_

_you're not sorry_

and i'm not confused

not anymore

not after what he just did "Just go, Edward. You got what you wanted. You got your way again. Even Jake gave it to you…

"I don't have anything else for you to take from me. Or any_one_ else for you to make leave me. I have _nothing _left. So, will _you _just leave now? All of you? And me alone? Forever? Please? Because I can't take any more of your way."

his way or– what's that smell?

that smell and that– "Wow, she really doesn't think very highly of you, does she, Ice Cube?"

"Jake..."

"Or you, apparently, since she thought you left her just because I told you to."

"Jake…"

"Yeah, but that's not her fault. The Cullen concoction she was force fed had a shot of stupid in it."

"Jake!"

"Hi, Bella."

"Hi… and Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"RUN."

"Run? Why would I– oh… oh shit!"

"No, Jacob, don't! It will only excite her. And don't phase. She can do this. Just hold still. Give her a chance."

i can?

if Rosalie hadn't have been the one to say it i might believe it

that i was capable of not hurting him

my best friend who didn't leave me

and who i should have known better than to think ever would

especially because someone told him to

especially if the someone was Edward

Edward who i said really awful things to

after i thought he had

really awful things i didn't mean

but that he isn't punishing me for

or Jake who they _were _for

because of

and the reason everyone is in the house now

in the house and in front of me

and between me and my friend

except Jasper

who's next to me

on one side

with Edward on my other

holding me

but not just with their hands

holding me with something else

a firm grip of calm

different kinds but both effective

and both pure

and reassuring

and supportive

forgiving

excusing

telling me it's okay

and that everything will be

if i just let it

and accept that i'm not alone

and that none of us is perfect

and maybe just one more thing...

one really important one…

which is that i really _don't_ want to eat my best friend

but should maybe have something

to tide me over "Could someone run out and get me an elkshake or something? I'm kind of thirsty."

**..tq..**

**so, before i go, i just want to say, to anyone who is catching the first train out of here, thanks for coming and have a safe trip to your new destination. i appreciate that you gave this one a shot. for those of you staying... thank you, too, of course. and i appreciate the tolerance that staying may require. and i'll see you tomorrow. xo**


	51. Chapter 51

**the last near 48 hours have been HELL for me... but you guys yesterday? were like a blast of cold, sweet air. so, thank you. and, just in case my brain is as jumbled as i think it is because of the hell... this might not even make sense. so, sorry in advance if it doesn't.**

51.

"Here you go, Bella. One fresh, steaming hot cup of elk, shake included. Look at him tremble in excitement and anticipation."

the Cullen Delivery Service is speedy

and a little twisted

and loud

"You're sucking up to the WRONG person, babe!"

"Shut up, Emmett. Or should I say _Betty_? Since you won't stop whining like a girl?"

"Definitely Betty," i say and smile

amused for the moment that Rose can appreciate at least one of their new names

before i dig in to my friends-don't-eat-friends snack

while mine watches me from the doorway of the house

and then watches me choke on it

not just because it's gross…

like the look on his face tells me he thinks it is as much as i do

but because Betty gets defensive and tells me what his whining is about "She ogled the dogboy when he turned from dog TO boy! PANTSLESS boy!"

and _that's _gross

and kind of funny

which is why Betty is now covered with my elkshake

because i spit it all over him

and why Jake's face is now covered with a smirk

"I didn't _ogle _him."

"Liar! I saw you!"

"I merely _looked_. Stop making a big deal about it, or I'll sick Bam Bam on you."

Bam Bam?

who's Bam Bam?

oh wait…

that's _me_

two points for you Barnalie!

for knowing it

but minus three for looking at my wolfpuppy's human boy parts

not cool

not cool at all

which makes me wonder…

if maybe she's tired of _cool_

and curious about what _warm _would feel like

and wondering about that makes me want to throw up my elkshake

so i throw it out instead

or away anyway

accidentally (or NOT) hitting Rose in the head with it as i do "No more ogling!"

and making Emmett laugh this time

and stupidly extend his fist for a bump

that i don't deny him

because i'm nothing if not polite

(says me!)

and now it's Rose who's laughing

because my bump sent him into flight

and then straight into a tree

and i agree with her…

that _that _really is funny...

but i can't let this impromptu game of Vampire Volleyball distract me

so "Now, where were we?" i ask

and no one answers my question

but i don't need them to

because i think there's a storm coming in

and i get what i need in its first gust of wind "_Jake_. Right."

"Wrong, Bella. Jake WRONG."

Jake _cute… _"If there's anyone here I don't want to hurt, Jacob, it's _you_. And I promise I won't, okay?"

a promise still counts as a promise as long as you mean it when you make it, right?

Jake doesn't look so sure…

but takes a step towards me anyway "Okay."

proving to me that i am

and that Rose was right

i _can _do this "Let's go inside."

though maybe _she's _not so sure anymore "Out here might be better, Bella. Fresh air and all that…"

"Fresh, _windy _air, Rose." i correct

telling her she's wrong

and she actually smiles at me "Right. Inside is definitely better."

and i even smile back

because no matter what else i've done or may still do _to _her...

right now i appreciate what she's doing _for _me

showing me that i'm worth someone's faith

someone's anything

and more than the everyone's nothing i thought i'd become in the silence

"Are you watching, Betty? Cuz your woman's ogling my ass now!"

well…

maybe not _everyone's… _"I missed you, Jake."

you and your cocky _ass _mouth


	52. Chapter 52

**hi.**

52.

"I missed you too, Bella. And if I wasn't afraid that it would be my last one ever, I'd give you a big hug to prove it."

"Maybe we can work up to that? You know, you not being afraid."

"And you."

"Yeah, and me."

"I'm sorry about Charlie, Bella. That we couldn't protect him… but I promise we tried to."

"We?"

"Yeah… what Edward told you is true. He wasn't alone."

"He wasn't?"

"No. There was a… well, we'll call it an 'ice storm'... that hit town… and um… well, at first we figured that Charlie might have been directly in its path. You know, since _you _were gone…

"So, we were watching him… but then uh… Sue told Seth that she'd seen your dad and he'd told her that you were coming home. That you'd called him and said that Alaska just wasn't working out and that you didn't want to stay there anymore."

he gets quiet

but his silence is loud

and aimed at Edward

who hears things besides it

things i don't

but things i can imagine

and don't want to think about or remember

something Jake understands "So, uh… then you were… there… and we split up… because _they _had…"

"They?"

"Yeah, the creepy popsicle people. Uh... no offense..."

"There was more than one of them?"

"Yeah, there were two. A man and a woman."

"A man with dreads and a redhead?" i ask cringing

"The man had dreads, yeah, but the woman wasn't a redhead. She was blonde. Practically albino. Not that most of the creepy popsicle people aren't–"

he stops and glances around

and then swallows hard

and _loud_

and i take just a small step back

wishing _i _had a popsicle

to soothe the burning in my throat

that suddenly erupts into a laugh from it

when Edward gently touches my hand

because then i started thinking...

and wondering...

what flavor popsicle _he_–

NOT the time Bella!

focus focus focus…

"I don't know who that is." i say finding a way to do just that "The blonde woman."

"Irina." Edward says quietly

and drops my hand

and then closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose with his

and "Why?" i ask

because i know she is a friend

"She's the one that killed your dad, Bella." Jake says

making me repeat my question "Edward, _why _would she do that?"

my question that he doesn't really answer "I don't know, Bella."

but that someone else does "I do."

and in doing so gives it to him first

and then decides she doesn't want to give it to me "But I don't see what good can come of you knowing those details, Bella."

"Of course you don't, Alice, because you don't think anything you _see _is important if it has anything to do with me!"

"Bella…" Jake says

pulling my attention back to him

"As much as I don't like her, and wish I could blame her for everything that happened that night… I know that I can't. And that you shouldn't. Because if she really can't see through us, then there's no way she could have seen what would happen to Charlie. We had him surrounded."

"Then how did she get past you?"

she as in Irina

"They were _both _there at first… they'd gotten past Quil and Embry… and we were handling it… we had them outnumbered… Sam and I, and Paul, and even stupid Leah… but then Seth came… and they started fighting… because Leah is just a bitch and thinks she can boss him around…

"Everything got out of hand… but then the dreadlock guy took off out of nowhere… and I just knew it had to be because of _you_… that you must have been coming… so I took off after him… and Seth took off after me… and then Sam came after both of us… telling Leah to stay with Paul… and protect Charlie…

"But Leah never listens to anyone. And Paul was being cocky… and told her he didn't need her anyway… and she left him…

"She shouldn't have. And he shouldn't have been cocky at all… because that albino bitch took him out easily… and then Charlie…

"Quil and Embry tried to… I'm sorry, Bella. They didn't make it in time. And just dragged Paul out. And then Seth… the dreadlock freak got ahold of him–"

no!… "Seth is dead?"

"No. He was just hurt. And then… God, Bella, I don't even know what happened after that. We should have been able to handle him easily... but it was total chaos… and he got away from us…"

he stops again

and his eyes are sadder than any i've ever seen as they look at me

and his voice pure agony as he breaks the sad silence and lets me hear it again "And if the way you found your dad… what happened to him, and then to _you_… is anyone's fault…

"Bella... it's all _mine_."

**..tq..**

**awww, Jake... :( how many of you think she'll see it that way?**


	53. Chapter 53

53.

_And if the way you found your dad… what happened to him, and then to you… is anyone's fault..._

_Bella… it's all mine_

all _his_?

that's what he thinks?

that it's _his _fault?

what happened to my dad...

and what happened to me…

Jake blames _himself_?

and thinks that _i..._

_would _ever

or _could _ever

blame _him_?

"Jacob… _none _of this is your fault. And I don't EVER want to hear that again, okay?"

"But Bella–"

"No!"

"But I–"

"Do you want me to turn you over my knee?"

"I do!"

"Shut up, Betty, or I'll turn _you _over it."

"Well, that could be fun, too..."

Emmett wiggles his eyebrows at me

and i roll my eyes at him

and then over to Rose "Would you like to do the honors?"

and "Yep" she says

and cracks him upside the head

really hard

like the way it makes everyone laugh

before i make them stop

them that are the Cullens "I want to know why one of your friends would kill my father."

"But Bella, Jake didn't answer your other question yet."

is he serious?

yeah…

he is…

and it's seriously funny when Esme is the one to crack him upside the head this time because he is

and seriously understandable why Rose is always so cranky "I totally am starting to get why you're such a bitch, Rose. The man's exhausting."

but not exhaust_ed_… "That's what she said!"

so i'll put him to work "Emmett! See that?"

i point to where the front door used to be "That big gaping hole that matches the one between your ears?"

and he looks confused so i don't wait for his answer "Clean up the pile of rubble before I turn you into one, and build me a new door. And it's a manly job, so take off your Betty dress first."

"If you want to see me naked, Bella, all you have to do is ask. I'm not Pebbles the Princess of Virtue, I won't say no."

"If you want to keep _your_ pebbles, Emmett, you'll shut up."

i think i'm starting to like Rosalie

maybe someday we could even be friends…

but today i want to know about the ones she already had

she and the rest of them "Is someone going to tell me why your albino bitch friend killed my father? Or should I just ask her myself?"

the test i gave them was multiple choice

but Jake's answer to it tells me i have to give them another "She's dead, Bella. You can't ask her anything. We at least did one thing right."

"Thank you..."

for getting revenge for me

while you got it for yourselves

because she killed your friend too

"The plan was to kill _you_." Alice says

turning my attention to her

"I think everything else that happened was just an unfortunate result of oil and water don't mix."

"Did you just call my father's brutal murder an unfortunate result, Alice?"

"Not intentionally." she says and takes a step back "Just like what Edward did wasn't–"

what _Edward _did?

"What Edward did wasn't _what_? What did Edward do?"

i don't really want the answer from her

and Edward knows it

and gives it to me himself "When I left you… I went to the Denalis'. I'd told you to go home to Charlie… but I didn't know if you would. You never really listened to me…

"And I was worried about you being here alone. I asked Kate to keep an eye on you."

of course he did...

but what does that have to do with– "And so her sister decided that she'd do the honors? By relieving her of her duty instead?"

"No…"

"Then what?"

"I think she decided to–or was more likely asked to–do the honors for her _other _sister."

her other sister? "Tanya?"

"Yes."

"And what honors were those?"

"Women can be really spiteful creatures, Bella…"

"SHUT UP, Alice, I asked EDWARD a question."

"Tanya threw herself at me when I was there…."

skank!

"And I was perhaps less than polite in my No, thank you…"

that's my virtue boy!

"And she was less than discouraged…"

SHAMELESS skank!

"And then I humiliated her…"

i'm going to kiss you for that!

"And she was mad..."

good!

"And told me I'd regret it."

she wishes! the– _oh_

"And, Bella..."

don't say it...

"I think this is what she meant."


	54. Chapter 54

**i'm so tired... sorry if it shows. :(**

54.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

that's what they say right?

i think it is

and even if it isn't it's what i do now

to myself

as i walk into the kitchen

and stare at the ticking red clock on the wall

that sounds like a thousand

ticking…

red…

TIMEBOMBS

"Bella… I'm–"

"I know, Edward. You're sorry..."

i could never not know that

even if i couldn't see him

or hear him

or feel him close

i'd still know

and that he'll let that sorrow eat away at him

if i let him "But not to blame."

"Did you hear–"

"Yes. I heard. Everything you said. Everything you ever have to me… when you weren't mumbling, of course. To my human ears…

"And, I repeat, you're NOT to blame. I _don't _blame you, Edward. Not for this. Not for the decisions of heartless, soulless, _spineless_, vengeful creatures."

that blame is all theirs

it lies with them

in their eternal graves

one of which hasn't been filled yet

the one thats emptiness will be _my _honor to disintegrate

"Just like I expect that you won't blame me for mine."

though _expect_ is a bit strong

a bit more than a bit even

because it's a lot

but i can't let that lot matter

not so much that what else does doesn't

"You're none of those things, Bella."

maybe he just wishes i wasn't...

but "I'm at least one, Edward. And, if you don't already know it–which I, frankly, don't see how could be possible–you will."

"Bella…"

"No, Edward. THIS… happens _my _way. And if that's too much for you, then Be. On. Yours.

"I chose _you_, and this is what I was left with because I did. And because you didn't choose me back.

"And now... my revenge… well, I'm just not willing to sacrifice it. Not for anyone. Not even you. And not even if that not leaves me with no one, though, I imagine–no, I _know_–I'll still have Jake."

"_Jake_..."

yes Edward...

_Jake_

"Well, I'm glad you believe in _someone_, Bella."

so am i...

but i didn't say what i said to hurt you

to be spiteful

or cruel

i said it because it was something i could

something that felt solid enough to

and sturdy enough

to acknowledge

and to count on

and...

i wish it wasn't the only thing that did

but i didn't create that

the pain of it

or the truth that that pain stems from

for me

and for– "But, Bella, if it takes me a hundred years... or a thousand...

"I swear that someday you'll know that he isn't the _only_ someone that you can."

i hope so Edward...

i really _really_ do

.


	55. Chapter 55

55.

"Bella, the Denalis are our friends. Irina is already dead, and–"

"And WHAT, Carlisle? That's supposed to appease me?"

"Tanya has to live with–"

"WRONG! She has to _die_. And that's what she's going to do. And that's the end of it."

"Kate is a good person, Bella. And without a doubt innocent in this. Tanya, no matter what she is, is all the family she has left, and–"

"I HAVE NONE BECAUSE OF HERS!"

"That's not true, Bella."

"That shut up, Alice? From before? Didn't have a time limit!"

"Thank God CNBS does…"

something tells me Alice is going to regret me asking this…

but "What's CNBS?"

"Cranky Newborn Bella Syndrome."

and i was right…

she _does _"Ow, Bella! Geez… save it for Tanya!"

and agrees with me?

well, maybe she doesn't have to totally shut up… "You're on my side?"

"Of course I am. I told you… I loved Charlie, too. And, cranky or not, I love you. And Edward…

"So, whether you want me or not, I'm with you."

"Me too." Jasper says "Though I know you didn't ask.

"But wrong is wrong and right is right… and I kind of owe you, so…"

"I was always in, Bella." Emmett says from the doorway with a hammer salute

and then i look at Rosalie

more out of curiosity than anything else

and know where her loyalties lie before she says a word "I know the sweetness of revenge, Bella. And what the ache for it feels like. And having it to soothe that ache... I'd never begrudge you that."

but she doesn't stop with the ones she said

and looks at Edward as she says more "And I know what it's like to be treated like a piece of meat. And, friend or not, she doesn't get to decide that lives should end because my brother denied her his. Or whatever she was after.

and then at me "That no matter what it was… belongs to you. Because he loves you. Enough to have wanted to die rather than live without…

"So, yeah… I'm IN, too. As in as in gets."

"Family first, Bella." says Esme

a voice i didn't expect to hear

but _did_…

and with it so much more than the three words it spoke

that seems to have reached Calisle's ears too

well…

his _something _"Yes… Esme's right... family first."

"I hope I'm a given." Jake says

and i smile at him because he is

and now there's only Edward…

who's yet to say anything at all

anything that i'm afraid to hear

because i'm afraid that what i will will be the last thing i ever do from him

and pray as he starts to speak that it isn't… "You really don't believe in me, do you, Bella?"

"I want to." i tell him

to make sure that he knows that

no matter what happens now

"Well, then maybe we could talk about it?...

"Because I agree that she should die… for what she did… and coerced others to do while she hid...

"But knowing that what she really wanted to destroy was _you_…

"Bella, I wanted the honor of killing her for that myself. For it to be only and completely and forever _mine_. Almost as much as I only and completely and forever want you to be."


	56. Chapter 56

56.

i'm going to hold him to that 'completely'

believe me i am

hold him to it and crush him to it and…

yeah

i'm going to

because i want it too

it and the rest

to be only and completely and forever his

and for him to be mine

mine only

mine completely

mine forever

MINE

not hers

like she wanted

and he didn't

and told her he didn't

like he once told me

sort of

though less cruelly i think maybe

but more too i know

completely it was and completely i know it

and felt it

feel it still

and hear it

still...

_You don't belong in my world, Bella._

_This is the last time you'll ever see me._

_It will be like I never existed. I promise._

even though none of it is true now

and i've heard other things

_Almost as much as I only and completely and forever want you to be._

_PERFECT for me._

perfect for _him_

him who wants the honor

of defending

and avenging

the wrongs done against

and the ones that were supposed to be done _to_

the ones that he thought had

before he knew the reason for

and that i could still be his

reason for living

instead of his reason for dying

like he planned

a stupid and wrong plan

but not only

like hers…

just because she was no part of any of his

and he told her so

Edward wants to defend me…

choose death for me…

a world where _she _doesn't exist

so that he can for me always

only and completely and forever

and so that i can for him

so maybe we _can _talk about it

or maybe we don't even need to

because maybe i've already decided

that whatever honor he wants…

he can have "Well, I can't promise to just stand there and watch…"

i really can't

not with my hostility variety issues

and my Cranky Newborn Bella Syndrome diagnosis

"But if you want the honor… really and truly want it…"

"I do, Bella."

"Because you really and truly want me…"

"Forever, Bella. I really and truly do."

"And completely, right? Like, COMPLETELY? Like–"

"I know what completely means, Bella. I promise you I do. And yes... COMPLETELY."

FTW!

"After_ you_… SAY…_ I do_. Of course. To me."

ugh

of course

his _other _plan

which maybe is a little _uuuchgh _too

maybe

just a little

but i won't tell him that

not now anyway

because he's already getting his other

_way _"Then I'll try to give it to you. The honor, I mean. Of killing her. I wouldn't have to try to give you anything else… I mean–"

"I know what you mean, Bella."

he really and truly does

his smile tells me

and that he…

and it…

and all…

is all mine

"Okay, Mr. Chivalrous…

"Lets go…

"Because I can't wait another second to watch you defend my honor. And have yours..."

because i think doing that…

if i can focus...

will be almost as good as that pie i've been dying for

and that that skank Tanya will...

DIE for

**..tq..**

**sorry about yesterday... _I_ couldn't focus on anything. **


	57. Chapter 57

57.

"Jake, no."

"Jake, no, _what_?"

"I want you to stay here."

"No way, Bella."

"_Yes_ way, Jacob. You're not going."

"Well, you're not going without me, so unless _you've _suddenly decided not to go, yes I am."

"I said no."

"And I heard you, bossy vampire girl, but I say YES."

"Jacob, don't give me a hard time. I want you to stay here with Carlisle and Esme."

"Bella, we're not staying, either."

Esme isn't helping

so i look to Carlisle

but the look on his face tells me he isn't going to help either

before he does "Family first, Bella… and family _together_."

"I appreciate that, Carlisle. I really do. Because I know it isn't easy for you in these circumstances...

"But there's no reason for you and Esme to go with us. There are two of them and six of us, and–"

"_Eight_ of us, Bella. And Jacob makes nine. And, as the head of this family, that's the only way it's going to be."

since when is he in charge?

he's not my– "Your father trusted me to look after you when he trusted you to be with Edward. And I let him down in the worst possible way…

"I won't do it again, Bella. We stay together this time. _All _of us. And that includes Jacob."

"But–"

"Listen to your elders, Bella."

"You shush, wolfpuppy boy."

"You won't be able to hear me again soon enough, so deal with it now."

and here i thought everyone was on my side…

but all is not lost

because i really only need one person to be

because they're all–except for Jake–always on his

because what Edward Cullen–golden boy extraordinaire–wants...

he gets

_always _"Edward, will you tell them that–"

"They want to protect you, Bella. And whether you need protecting now or not, I won't tell anyone that they can't. Not ever again."

of course he won't

UGH!

he's so stubborn!

but as he very well knows

so am i "Not to be mean or anything… but your going to ask Kate to is what–"

"I know that, Bella."

"So…"

"So, please give me a chance to do something right. For once."

"Don't say that…"

because hearing him say that hurts

because it isn't true

that he's done everything wrong

and i don't want him to think it is "You did lots of things right, Edward. Lots."

"I'd ask you to name one, but… well, I don't think you could, so…"

"You didn't kill me. When you first saw me. Or smelled…"

"But I _wanted _to. It was like you were that little bottle Alice found in Wonderland… with the 'Drink Me' tag hanging from it… I–"

"DIDN'T drink it. Or me. And that's a _right _thing, Edward. And just the first of many."

"First _lots_ and now _many_… Bella, I think you're confused again…"

"No, Edward… not about you. If there's _anything _I'm not confused about… and have never been… it's _you_."

"That's not tr–"

"True? Yes it is. True is exactly what it is. The way I feel about you. EXACTLY."

and i think maybe _i'm_ the one who's been doing everything _wrong_

if he truly doesn't know that

so after we go do this wrong thing that will make me feel so right...

i'm going to do some others

and let him hear some noise

from me

because i've been far too quiet for him

**..tq..**

**it's coming, i promise. the serving up of Tanya's tits... and some other stuff...**

**but, thinking about how when you're feeling hurt by the person you love so desperately... even though hurt you is the last thing that person ever meant to do... like this Bella and Edward may both feel... has me thinking about another of my little somethings like this. with another Bella and Edward. have you read my drabbly little When You Close Your Eyes? because if you haven't, i'd like you to. i really, really would. because i love that story with all of my heart.**


	58. Chapter 58

58.

Edward _will_ hear noise from me

softer and sweeter than any he's heard from me in a long time

since before he left me

but right now... "If anything happens to you, Jake–"

"Nothing's going to happen to me, Bella. You're stuck with me."

there was a time when i would have laughed at that

made some 'poor me' or 'don't threaten me' joke about it

but i don't now

because now it means the world to me that he said it

and meant it

still

even though the me he said it to and meant it to has changed so much from the me i used to be

the me he grew up with

always protected

and told he always would

no matter what

"Thank you, Jacob. For being the best friend a girl could ever have."

he smiles at me

and mutters a silly "Aw, shucks…"

and then bounds out the door

with a "See you soon!"

and then changes into a different him

right before my eyes

that go wide with awe

because it's cool as hell

and then...

because i'm still watching my cool as hell shape-shifting friend

he prances around in the snow with wolfpuppy pride

and Jake silliness

that makes me giggle

like the day he threw himself down in a mud puddle when we were kids

instead of laughing at me

because i'd tripped and fallen into it first

he _didn't _laugh

because that's the kind of friend Jake is

and has always been to me

and will always be i think

even though we're supposed to be enemies now...

because supposed tos don't matter to him

and won't ever matter to me

because my friend matters more

so much more than more

and than anyone

but not only

because Edward does too

to me

it's why i grab his hand when he follows me outside

and then loosen my grip on it when he flinches "Sorry."

"It's okay."

"Everything will be, I think. Now. Or soon, anyway. _After_."

"I promise it will, Bella. Even though I know you don't–"

"I _do_, Edward," i say

with just a little squeeze

because no matter what else he's done

i know he wouldn't have laughed at me either

if he'd have been there

that day when i tripped and fell into the mud puddle

he may not have thrown himself into it like Jake did…

but he wouldn't have laughed at me

and probably would have just picked me up out of it

and told me i was still pretty or something

or still perfect

because covered in mud or not

with blood coursing through my veins or flinch-causing venom instead

it's the only way he's ever seen me

his version of me

and the only way i hope

he ever will

just like Jake

my very best friend

who has his own version

and who throws himself down into the snow at its–_my_–feet

even though they're in it next to Edward's

a _choice_ this time instead of an accident like the mud puddle

and one he still doesn't laugh at me for

because making sure i know i'm not alone

and not without him

no matter where or what else i am

has always been his

**..tq..**

**i wish i had a friend like Jake, or a something else like Edward, because being all alone in the mud puddle rl has kicked me into, and then back into every time i try to climb/crawl out, sucks. more than sucks. :(**

**and, for something that i hope doesn't... i posted my Fandom for Oklahoma piece yesterday. it's called Dared to Truth, if you want to check it out. and just know that it would make me happy if you did. and i could really use some happy right now.**


	59. Chapter 59

**sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, SORRY. really i am.**

59.

we don't really have a plan

for how this will go

this thing that we're on the way to do

i don't at least

it's not like i could stick to it if i did

i'd probably get distracted by something

or someone

anything really

because it doesn't take much for that to happen these days

or for me to get mad

not that mad would be a bad thing for our planless plan…

and not that i'm not already

i _am_

mad

pissed

furious

and disgusted

that a woman would go to such lengths

to get revenge

against a man who didn't want her

simply because he didn't

and told her so

i mean…

WHO DOES THAT?

even if the man isn't an ordinary one?

and is an extraordinary?

and a special?

the most special

the most beautiful

the most irresistable

and the most patient

and sweet

and virtuous

and...

MINE!

that bitch tried to take my virtue!

my pie!

the one that he's saving to give to me!

she should die for that alone!

and maybe she would have

or would still

if that fact was all i knew

but it's not

it's not by far

because i know more

and that she went _too_

much too

far too

and didn't even have the guts to do it herself

to get her hands dirty

or her mouth

and convinced others to do it for her

which is just further proof that she isn't worthy of Edward

and that i am

because i'm willing to get _dirty_

for him

and with

more than willing

so much more…

SO much…

even though he's not

willing to let me

yet

_yet_…

i like that word

the sound of it

because even though it means not now

it means something else too

it means later

and someday

and that he will

when i will

when I DO

which really doesn't sound so bad either

since it's Edward the I DO would be for

will be

yeah i've decided

that i will

say it

and do it

and let him hear it

since it's what he really wants

with me

me NOT her

who he wanted nothing with or from

and who he gave no yet to

and only gave a never

that made her mad

and want to give me one too

and him

that was her plan…

before it got foiled

by… "Hey, Rose?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For giving me a chance to have my yet."

"Your _yet_?"

"Yeah."

i know she doesn't know what i mean

so i look at Edward

and then back at her

and smile

and then i know she gets it

because she smiles back

and says "You're welcome, Bella."

which i barely hear before i get distracted again

because Edward squeezes my hand

that he was already holding

sweetly

and virtuously

squeezes it a little _not_

and gives me a little smirk

with his i can't wait for him to get it dirty mouth

before it twitches

which would probably feel good too...

but which doesn't distract me for more than a few seconds

now…

because then it stops twitching

and settles into a hard line

like the one we form

because we've stopped moving

because we're here

to give that bitch another never

her last one

EVER

**..tq..**

**what can i say, i like the word _yet_, too. which some of you are already fully aware of. ;)**

**and something some of you may not be... i updated For Better or For Worse yesterday. and i'm told, as i often am with that story, that it made people cry. so, if you like to cry, maybe check it out. and have tissues nearby.**

**and, in case i haven't said it lately, thank you. for being here. xo**


	60. Chapter 60

60.

"Well, normally I'd be happy to see you, and be thrilled to have such a surprise visit from our dearest friends, all of them, no less, and with them some _new_, but… well, something tells me this isn't a _normal _circumstance. Or a friendly."

"Hello, Kate."

Carlisle is the one to greet her

but it's Edward she addresses next

after looking for a long moment at me

the new that she's never seen before

"I never imagined that she would go so far."

"Neither did I… or I would have done this before she could."

his words make her flinch

but she composes herself quickly "_This_… isn't you, Edward. It isn't any of you. Those of you that I _know_, anyway. Have known for so long…"

"Tanya made choices, Kate. Unacceptable and unforgivable choices. And got others, your very own sister among them, to execute them. All because–"

"I know why, Edward. I didn't… know anything… but I do now. I made her tell me… what cost our sister her life. And changed our family forever. Again..."

"But not for the last time."

Carlisle's voice shocks me

and the words he used it to speak

the ones that tell her why we're here

not that she had any doubts…

i don't think that she did

but she certainly doesn't now

and i kind of feel sorry for her

because i know what it's like to be all alone

and to have no one

because everyone you had left you or was taken away

but i didn't cause this

didn't choose it or create it

and i won't let my sympathy for her change it

i won't put it before my dad

or myself

and the suffering i was given no choice but to endure

because her sister couldn't endure Edward's rejection

something i already had

had no choice but to

for months…

in a way that that heartless bitch never would

or know–or even imagine–the pure agony and devastation of

because his rejection of her didn't take away something he'd already given her

he'd never given her anything at all

ever

but the knowledge that he never would

and because of that she decided i should die?

FUCK!

THAT!

and fuck her "Bring her out. Unless you want to see her dragged."

"I'm sorry, Bella. For everything that you've been put through… I truly am..."

"So, that's yes to the dragging?"

"And I understand your anger. And your thirst for revenge. Especially in your… _condition_…

"But the rest of you… Carlisle… and Esme… and Edward–"

"You expect Edward to choose her over me now?"

Tanya is heartless…

and Irina was pathetic…

but this Denali sister…

well she's just plain fucking stupid and delusional

"Not her over you. Just right over wrong. Humane over _in_. And–"

"One more word and you won't have to watch her die. Because you'll already be dead, and won't be able to watch anything."

"Carlisle, please…" she says

ignoring me

but i know before he says anything that he's going to tell her she can't "It's too late for please, Kate. And I'm not here to change anything, or try to stop. I'm here to support my family. In _any _way that I have to."

"And I'm just trying to save mine! Can you understand that? And wouldn't you do the same? No matter what they'd done? She's all I have left!"

"That isn't our fault."

"I _know _that, but–"

no one interrupted her

but she stopped anyway

interrupted herself

with her own silence

because Edward stopped listening to her noise

and walked right past her

and opened her front door

and let himself inside

telling her that he won't let Tanya hide

and she stood stunned for a moment…

but only just

before she reached out and broke his stride

with her desperation

and her electric touch

"YOU BITCH!"

that on his life

the one he wants to share with me and only me

will be her LAST


	61. Chapter 61

61.

have you ever heard a vampire scream?

it's loud

REALLY loud

just like the sound of their arms being ripped off

which is kind of like nails on a chalkboard

times a million

or a billion

or whatever touching Edward equals

which is a number so high that i don't think it even exists

or did before today

when Kate did it

lost her fucking mind and dared to hurt him with her gift of zap

and then my wolfpuppy

when he lunged at her because she tried to hurt me next

because she knew i was going to hurt her

_kill _her

for what she did

which i _did _do

and which was easy to because she didn't do anything else

not that she didn't try…

i thought her head would explode with her effort

before i ripped it off of course…

but even before i did her effort was for naught

because i didn't feel a thing

not a zap

or a snap

or a crackle or a pop

until i felt pure exhilaration

pure electric bliss

because i held her head in my hands

because pop went the weasel!

the one whose zap and snap and crackle had a glitch

or something

because they didn't work on me

which makes me think maybe the glitch was mine

but a good one this time

the best kind of good

that i think i even shared

figured out how to

because when Edward tried to stop her from trying to hurt me…

after she'd hurt him...

she _didn't_ hurt him again

COULDN'T

which shocked him

but in a different way than she had before

a way that made him stare at me in wonder

and awe i think

because my eyes were locked on him

and my glitch wrapped around

because he's mine

and no one can hurt him but me

not that i want to…

anymore…

or ever again…

but i sure as hell won't let anyone else

and didn't

not twice at least

Kate can't hurt anyone now

because i shut down her power

and turned her into a puzzle

or a Mr. Potato Head

or a _Miss _i guess

that no one wants to put back together

especially not Jake

or so it would seem

because he's having too much fun with her not

with her apart

and her parts–specifically her arms–in his wolfpuppy mouth as he runs around in the snow

he's a puppy after all…

and puppies like to play…

as do big overgrown vampire men-children

which specifically means Emmett

who threw the arms to the puppy in a game of fetch

and is whining because the puppy just wants to play keep away "Come on, Jake, that's not how you play!"

and it's funny…

and entertaining

and a little distracting of course

but i force myself to look away

and not at all at Carlisle's face as my eyes pass it

because even though he came to be supportive

in _any_ way he needed to

i know he isn't happy

about how he didn't need to be at all

about what i did

what he cringed at when he watched me do

after i was given no choice but to

BECAUSE SHE TOUCHED EDWARD

who's now touching someone else

the person we came here to

the SKANK BITCH

the skank bitch who didn't lift a skanky finger to help her sister

who had tried to save her life

and lost her own

while she tried to sneak away

slither…

like a snake

before she got caught

by the constricting arms of Jasper

and dragged back

because dragging her _was _a good idea

also mine

like Edward

who just proved to me how fiercely he wants to be

while i stood still and let him

watched him...

still do...

in wonder

and awe

with no distractions at all to make me stop

or move

except maybe for the sudden warmth i feel

the million degree heat

that makes me want to

move

with him...

and that could melt all of the snow he just threw her head into

right at my feet

a gift to me

before my wolfpuppy came and snatched it

ran a victory lap with it

or a thank you

and then flung it into the fire Carlisle just started

that everyone is contributing to

with pieces of The Flying Denali Sisters

except for Esme

and me who she puts her arm around

and says nothing to

because she doesn't have to

because some gestures speak for themselves

LOUD…

and clear


	62. Chapter 62

62.

"Well, that was fun. What's next, Bella?"

i'm not sure how to answer Emmett's question

because i hadn't given next any thought

i was focused on never

and how i hoped to feel when Tanya got hers

her last

which feels good...

but not as good i wanted it to

and hoped it would

because my father is still dead

her being too didn't change that

doesn't

or make it hurt any less

or make me feel any less responsible

for a choice i made a long time ago

the day Edward Cullen walked into the school cafeteria

walked… HA!

he _strutted_

and with that strut put a fork in me

and took all of my choices away

my ability to make sensible ones

and responsible

and self-preserving

though i'm as preserved as preserved gets now…

i'm a fricking jar of Smuckers

an unopened jar

which suddenly gives me my answer "I don't know… but I think maybe it's forever."

and Edward's smile tells me it was the right one

and makes me wish we were alone

eating pie

and preserves

which distracts me of course

along with the heat

that's not coming from The Great Denali Fire

and not a secret perhaps

because Rose chuckles

and mutters a "God help you, little brother…"

before a tiny little bell rings

and gets everyone's attention "I think we should talk about how Bella did. Our _gifted _Bella."

gifted?

_me_?

that's funny

and the first time anyone has ever used those two words in the same sentence

or together at all

in any combination

so "Are you making fun of me?" i ask her

because it's occurred to me that her using them meant to do just that

and i don't really think _that's _funny

or nice

and since i was considering turning over a new _nice _leaf

it makes me mad that she's trying not to let me "Because if you are–"

"I'm _not_. I'm singing your praises, if anything. Because what you did… Bella, do you have any idea how amazing that was?"

"How amazing what was?" i ask

because i don't know what she's talking about

"You not letting Kate hurt Edward."

oh that "That's not amazing, that's love."

i said the words without thinking

because i'd never have to think about that

loving Edward…

even when i wanted to hate him

and hurt him

i loved him more than anything

i mean DUH…

but i don't think he knew that

because i don't think he'd be smiling so big now if he did

if he was sure

like i am that i like his big sure-_now_ smile

that i want to keep on his sure-is-and-always-was pretty face "You had me at the sex strut, virtue boy."

me and the rest of the girl world

and maybe even the boy

not that most of them would ever admit it…

but i know the truth

that Edward Cullen is no ordinary boy

no one would be willing to kill for him if he was

or have the power to turn a glitch into a gift

like i did before i did the other

simply because– "You really do love me."

yeah Edward

that

DUH


	63. Chapter 63

**hi.**

63.

"You know, you're really kind of precious when you're being all _You really do love me _vulnerable and sweet instead of _You don't belong in my world_ and _This is the last time you'll ever see me _and_ It will be like I never existed I promise _noble and stupid."

"I'm really glad you think so, Bella."

"Because you're really glad? Or because you watched me dismember the powerpuff girl?"

"Because I'm really glad," he answers

before giving me his trademark crooked smile

that sends a surge through me

a zap

like the powerpuff girl couldn't do

before she couldn't do anything at all

but go up in puff clouds of smoke

like her sister

after my precious did another precious thing

that i happen to think _was _pretty noble

but not at all stupid

because he did it for me

because of what IT wanted to do _to_

and to him i suppose

before he told her she couldn't

and that he wouldn't

do anything

with her

ever

because even though he left me he was mine _for_

because he loved me

out of all of the things that he ever said to me…

he meant _that_

i know that now

even though i was pretty sure i did then

know that he did

and that he was doing something neither of us wanted him to

when he made himself leave me

trying to put me first

by putting me behind him

and leaving me running after

knowing i'd never catch up

catch _him_

no matter how hard i tried

because i was just me

ordinary glitchy me

and he was everything that was/will always be him

extraordinary and extraordinarily glitch-free him

except for the stupid part

that even though was wasn't meant to be

or intended

for me

which makes me think about what is now

and what are

his intentions "So, Emmett's question… the What's next? one... I think it was actually a really good one."

"I think it was, too, Bella."

i'm glad Edward…

but "Would _you _answer it now? For me?"

"I don't know if I should…"

he doesn't know?

"...Because I could never answer it better than you did."

better than i did? "I said forever. That I thought maybe it–"

"Actually, I take back what I said. Because I _can _answer it better."

"You can?" what could be better than forever?

"Yes…"

i guess maybe something could to him

"...Because you said you _thought_…"

i did

"...And you said _maybe_…"

yeah i said that too

"...But I'd never say either... about next with you."

"You wouldn't?"

"No, Bella. Because you _do _belong in my world."

oh

"And will be… the _center_ of it."

oh oh

"And you _will _see me. And will never not. For _all _time."

oh oh oh

"And you'll _always _know I exist. And that I do _because _of you. Because _you _do."

i knew that part already

the first

and even the second and third

that i try not to let distract me

and kick his ass for

because he's not done

melting my heart

with his oh oh oh ohs

that are mine

and will be maybe

i think

"And because you will… for me…"

_know_

"Forever."

see?

"Which is the only answer to What's next?..."

that he _did _answer better than me

"...For you AND me."

**..tq..**

**Clear and Bright ch 35 is up. and my mostly because of excuse for why this didn't get put for the last few days. because i was trying to be fair to the people who read that. and then after i was, i struggled to switch gears again and be fair to you. and then yesterday... well, yesterday was just hard. for all of us, probably. so, maybe you'll forgive me for that, at least. i mean, if Bella can forgive Edward for what he did... ;)**


	64. Chapter 64

64.

"There's only one thing wrong with that, my precious boy. One glitch. In the you and me part."

that he had said with an emphasis on AND

that brought it into focus

not that i didn't already see it…

like it were possible for me to not

"What's that, Bella?"

like _they _were "THEM," i say

nodding to his family

and mine now i suppose

who are all around us

and who hear me of course

but don't seem to mind that they did

because they all chuckle

well except for Alice

who sticks her tongue out at me

and then wiggles it

and then stops wiggling it when i don't look amused

and then says something that makes me less "We're not going anywhere, Bella. So, get used to us being around. _Forever_."

and "No thanks" i say back

because i want to be alone

with Edward

and not not

with all of them

but i'm not sure that he agrees with me

Edward…

or wants the same thing

to be alone with me

because when he grabs my hand

and squeezes it gently

and then puts his lips to my forehead

with a gentle precious kiss

he follows it with a whisper

that's kind of a mumble

because he often does

under his breath

that i feel on my skin as i hear it now "There's a lot of time in forever. For you and me. _Just_. I promise, Bella."

and i believe him

this time

all of his gentle

but still "A lot isn't enough. And all isn't even… but it's better than a lot. And what I want. Starting right now."

and he smiles at my response

and starts to pull me

to walk with him

and away from this place

where never was accomplished

so forever would be peaceful

the forever he's leading me to i think

while the THEM follows

and my wolfpuppy that wasn't included in falls into step beside us

beside _me_

my wolfpuppy that he looks at now "Does that all include Jacob? Or _exclude_, too?"

he obviously still can't hear my thoughts

or he wouldn't have asked me what they already answered

so i tell him

out loud "No."

and "I didn't think so," he says to that

so i respond again

and defend "But that's different."

not that those three words were much of a defense at all

"_He_ is, that's for sure."

"_He_ is my best friend."

"I know."

"And he was there for me, and here, _with _me, when no one else was."

"I know that, too, Bella. I promise you I do."

"So–"

"So can we be fair?"

he interrupted me with THAT? "Fair? Really, Edward? You want to go _there_?"

i ask with a glare

that Alice tries to protect him from "Edward, say no!"

before Emmett doesn't

at all "SAY YES!"

a sentiment i think my wolfpuppy shares with him

because his wolfpuppy tail is wagging

and with _its _whacking hard against my leg

which doesn't hurt but is a little distracting

distracting that i want to share

by pointing out

so "Hey, Rose?" i say

distracting her elbow from jackhammering a hole in Emmett for his exuberant order

"Yeah, Bella?"

"You see what's going on here, right?"

"You mean that Betty is an idiot? Yeah, I see."

"No, I mean the _new _thing..." i correct

cuz that surely isn't

like "...the Bromance thing."

"Oh, that," she says

and cringes

and then elbows Emmett again "Yeah, I started seeing that a long time ago. And if I could sleep, I'd have nightmares about it."

"Who's in a Bromance?" Emmett asks

dodging the elbow–and the woman it's attached to–and coming up to walk on the other side of my wolfpuppy

proving our point

with an exclamation

that brings one from Esme "I think it's cute!"

that i think is eew

cuz it's so not

it may be a little funny…

but not cute

cute would be if Jake met a cute little wolfpuppy girl

and they fell in sweet wolfpuppy love

and then had a cute little wolfpuppy wedding

and then cute little wolfpuppy puppies…

none of which in any way includes Emmett

or even his Betty alter ego

who i don't answer

because i'm not distracted anymore

because Edward still hasn't answered me "Cat got your tongue?"

"No."

"No, the cat doesn't have it? Or no, you don't want to go there? To FAIR?"

"I'd like to go to a fair!"

"Shut up, Emmett," EVERYONE says at once

except for the wolfpuppy of course

who would probably like to go with him

because his tail is wagging again

and whacking against Emmett's leg this time

with a _hell yeah!_

that makes me roll my eyes

before i point them back at Edward

who doesn't ignore them

or me in any way "I just want everything to be right, Bella. For you. And for us. And the last time we were all alone, I did everything wrong."

"Not everything, Edward. Just the _last _thing."

that i need to stop reminding him of i think

so that he can move past it

and let us

and get to all of the first things that we've both waited too long for

too long and too painfully

because we're both stubborn

and were too to choose anything together

so "But okay. I'll agree to not alone. For now."

"Thank you, Bella."

_you're welcome precious_


	65. Chapter 65

65.

"Here you go, POOP Doggy Dogg," Alice says as she lays a pile of clothes in the snow in front of Jake

with a proud smile on her face

that falls off when no one laughs

seriously...

NO ONE

not even Emmett

who laughs at anything and everything

well anything and everything except Alice i guess

because she isn't funny

or good at handing out nicknames

or something else anymore "It's a shame you can't see the future when Jake's around, Alice. Because if you could…" i reach up and give her a knuckle sandwich

a demonstration of sorts

so she gets a clear picture of hers with me if she doesn't give up her comedic aspirations

and because i _am _trying to turn over a new _nice _leaf

and a generous

and so since i am…

and since she's really thin…

i thought it would be a nice and generous thing for me to do to feed her something

yay for nice and generous me!

"...then you might have seen that coming. And stopped yourself from bringing it."

"You created a monster," she says to Rose

instead of saying anything to me

and then adds on to that thing she said _about _"A mean, grouchy monster."

and "I kind of like her" is Rose's response

which doesn't totally shock me

because i think i was already starting to see that for myself

my self that kind of likes her too

now that we're the same kind of selves

with the same kind of hostility variety issues

that stem i think from not being given choices

and having them made for us

and even though _she _made one for me…

a huge and irreversible monstrosity of one…

i can't hate her for it

well not _anymore_

because her choice gave me the chance to finally make some

and _be _Edward's

because her choice made me perfect for him

made me belong in his world

and gave me the chance to see him again

because it gave me another chance–my last–to exist

which gave him a reason to want to _keep _existing

for

which… "Thanks, Rose."

and _to _which she nods her head

before she turns it

because Jake just turned himself

back into a boy

who she isn't looking at this time

because she's looking at her man

to see if _he's _looking

and then cracks him a good one

because he is

or was…

before he turned his eyes to her "What the hell was that for?"

"I don't know, BRO, you tell me."

"BRO? What the hell, babe? I'm not your brother. Cuz that would be sick… you know, with all the stuff we've done… that's a whole other kind of _sick_..."

and "I think I'm gonna be..." Jake says

for all of us i think

"...if you say another word, dude."

which he doesn't do

well about _that _"Does it hurt? When you change back and forth?"

another good question Emmett...

"Not really. Not anymore."

with a good answer

the best possible in fact

because i never want Jake to hurt

in any way

which is why i say something now

after Emmett says "That's cool."

because i want someone to stay "Maybe not so much a _mance_… but an accep_tance_. And an appreciation of differences. And even some similarities. Like sense of humor… and a shared malady."

"Which is?" Rose asks because she knows i was talking to her

"Peter Pan Syndrome, of course. That, though sometimes is exhaustingly annoying, isn't always. To me, at least."

"To me, either, I suppose," she admits

while fighting a smile

before she adds "And could even be a blessing in disguise maybe. A quiet-for-me one…"

"And me," Edward chimes in suddenly

because he's been quiet

for long enough "Definitely for me."

which i think really means _us_

the us that isn't alone

definitely


	66. Chapter 66

66.

"You're beautiful."

Edward's voice blows into my hair like a velvet wind

and "I wasn't looking at that," i tell him and it as my eyes flit between our reflections in the mirror

and "I was," he tells me

blowing its sweet softness across my cheek this time

before brushing his lips against it

in a way that once would have made it blush

but doesn't now

and never will again

because it can't

because nothing can

color it with a tinge of red to match the other i can't seem to get rid of

so "How long will it take?" i ask him

because i want to know

when the thing that _is _possible will happen

"How long will what take, Bella?"

"My eyes… How long will it take for them to look like yours? And why don't they already? I've been good… and was only bad that one time… well,_ two_…"

"Soon, Bella. Just be patient."

has he met me? "That's not my best virtue, Edward."

"I knew that already."

"Yeah."

i thought i'd made it clear...

"Because I know what _is_."

oh

i see what he did there

and "I want to give you both..." i tell him

so he knows i did

and then "But one much more than the other."

and he smiles

and says "I know."

and "I'm honored."

before spinning me around

to face him instead of his reflection

and my own

that was taunting me

in a way he never would "Because I want to give you everything."

but still does

anyway

sort of

which i tell him too "I want to take it."

though it's all i can do

because we're not alone

the kind of alone he could give me _everything _in

not that he would if we were…

"You only have to take one thing from me, Bella… to–"

"Get the rest?" i finish for him

so he doesn't have to say it

and only has to say "Yes."

to which i want to say

then what are you waiting for, Edward?

GIVE IT TO ME

but don't

because i want him to do it on his own


	67. Chapter 67

67.

the snowball fight of the century is happening outside of my and Edward's house

it started after Jacob used Carlisle's phone to call his dad

a conversation i didn't hear

because we all gave him privacy to have it

but that i think i know how went

because after it ended he stormed down the stairs and through the front door and out into the snow

where he started kicking at it

and balling it up

and throwing it

the last of which Emmett took as an invitation

to join him

and play a game

"A good idea" Edward told me

when i told Emmett it wasn't the time for games

and reached out to stop him from starting one

before i let my hand fall

and stopped nothing but assuming that i knew what was best for my best friend

because maybe Edward really did know better this time

what was

and best even

because he heard everything

without trying to hear a word

unlike the one i said to him

the simple "Okay" that told him i trusted him

that made him smile before he made me

by running out the door to join in the frustration turned fun

that Jasper even ran out to get a piece of

a well deserved piece if you ask me

which is exactly what i told Alice when she tried to protest "Let the man have a break! And be a carefree boy for a few freaking minutes! Or I'll _break _YOU."

because seriously…

he never gets a minute off

because his gift has a glitch too

a you-never-get-to-relax-because-it's-your-job-to-ma ke-everyone-else glitch

that lucky for her i didn't have to explain further

because a tiny little bell went off in her head and told her i was right

or maybe it was that '_break _YOU' future i foretold for her…

that made her quiet

except for the giggle that erupted from her as Carlisle bounded boy-like through the door too

before we followed him out of it

because _that _we _all _wanted to see

that that's this…

the snowball fight of the century

that's loud and boisterous and carefree

exactly the way boys should always be


	68. Chapter 68

68.

"Where do you want to live, Bella?"

"Wherever you are."

silly boy...

"That wasn't what my question meant, but… well, there could never be a better answer, so–"

"What did it mean? Because you clarifying won't take my first however-I-misunderstood-your-question answer away from you. I already gave it to you, and I won't take it back. It's yours to keep forever."

like the smile that it put on his face is mine

because i saw it and no one will ever take it from me

because i saw it when i was perfect for him

the way i'll stay

"I meant _geographically _speaking."

"Do you not like where we are now? _Geographically _speaking? You chose it, after all."

"The first of my bad decisions, perhaps."

"I was happy here with you," i remind him

without adding the _before you left _part that my brain is saying

but that i think he heard anyway

with his own

but doesn't repeat since i didn't "Happy and _cold_. It was an unfair choice I made. Unfair to you. Because you hate–"

"Clearly I don't, Edward. And didn't then. Not too much. Not more than I loved you. And now… well, it's hardly an issue… obviously."

"Physically, maybe it's not… but–"

"I can't hate this place, Edward. Not because it's cold. And not because you made it too quiet for me… and not even because Laurent made it too loud… or because of anything that happened after…

"Because you wouldn't be here to ask me anything if a single thing had happened differently. Because you wouldn't be here at all… wanting to give me your everything… if here didn't exist for us. And if you hadn't have chosen it _for_."

"So…"

"So, I guess that's my answer. I want to live _here_. With you. Which was my first answer, just in case you forgot it."

"I'll never forget it, Bella."

"That's good. But I'll still make sure to remind you anyway."

"I'll like it when you do."

"So will I. When you _do _things. Which, you know, you could _start _anytime now..."

"I could?"

"Did I say could? I meant SHOULD."

"Even though you know what one of those _things _is? The one that has to come _first_? No matter where we are?"

i know i said i wanted him to do it on his own…

and i meant it

and i _do_

_still_

but i don't see anything wrong with my making sure _he_ knows i do

and will

so that we can… "Even though."

be happier here than either of us ever was anything else

"Then I have to leave again."

he has to– "WHAT?"


	69. Chapter 69

69.

"Bella, you know I didn't mean– _Ow_. Okay, you don't know."

"Nope. And NOW would be a good time to clarify it, Edward. WHAT you meant."

"I just meant that I have to go somewhere… to get something that I need… that isn't here."

something that he needs?

that isn't here?

where i am?

and we are together?

"Owwww… that _really _hurt, Bella."

"Good. At least it wasn't just me this time."

"It was never just you."

"Yes it was."

"Never just you _hurting_," he clarifies without my prompting this time

"And I assure you it won't be now. Clearly."

"I love you, Bella."

"Yet you _need _more than."

"No… I'll never need more than you. I just need something special _for_."

"What?"

"If here is where you want to live, then I should go get some things. That I'm sorry I ever took away."

oh

but... "But what if you leave to go get things and then get distracted? And–"

"That's not going to happen, Bella. It never, ever could. It's not possible. Not as long as you're here waiting for me."

"Why do I have to wait? Why can't you take me with you?"

"Because traveling wouldn't be the best thing for you right now."

"You mean because of my _condition_?"

"Yes."

"It's not my _only _condition, you know. And you'll be in a critical if you don't come back and I have to go find you, while still in it."

he smiles at my threat

and reaches up to touch the reason for it on my lips it just left

"I promise I'll come back. And that you'll never have to come looking for me. In any condition. And that once I am… back here with you… and with the something for… that I'll never leave you again. Unless you order me away."

order him away?

pfffffffffft!

i see he's still stupid...

because "I'll never do that."

"I hope not."

"I _know _not."

"Can I know something? Too? Before I go?"

i know what he wants to know

what he's asking me for

as his golden eyes look into my not yets

and his much gentler than mine now hands cup my face

and hold it

much gentler than anything…

because it's more special to him than

and i know that i can give it to him

what he wants

_needs_

and that i should have instead of what i did

should have let him hear it instead of what i made him feel

i _know_

and _do _want him to

"I trust you, Edward."

**..tq..**

**and i want you darlings to trust me. with these darlings, of course, but also... go read Beneath this Sky by Bedelia. i just finished it yesterday, and... well, it's one of the most incredible things i've ever read. EVER. so go so you can know why.**

**but before you listen to me and do that... i want you to hear something else first: thanks for reading this. it means a lot to me that anyone still does. xo**


	70. Chapter 70

**the silence here the last few days… my intentions were good, they just didn't work out. and i'm sorry for that. here and everywhere else.**

**and for the nay(amongst many other things)sayers... if you don't like _any_ of my intentions... you can JUST GO. i'm sure you can find a mature and non-disappointing author/story if you look elsewhere.**

70.

i didn't chase after Edward this time

didn't cry or scream or plead with him not to go

i simply said "Hurry back."

with my lips still on his

after our goodbye kiss

that i can't wait until is a hello again

which made me then say "I'll be waiting."

with a smile on my face

and my feet planted firmly on the snow covered ground

that he _backed _away from me on

until he was out of my sight

so that it wouldn't fall on his

and could stay instead on his beautiful face

that showed me that he was excited for something

and because he was wouldn't waste a single minute on anything that wasn't important

to me or to him

and would come back as quickly as he could for us

that still wouldn't be alone

like neither of us is now

Edward didn't go by himself...

Alice went with him

and Carlisle and Esme

leaving me with Rosalie and Emmett and Jasper

and Jake of course

the way i was not alone first

the way it was before my world came back to me

and told me i was his

and belonged in

which made me happy

but now makes me sad too

because our world... "You're leaving too, aren't you?"

"Of course not," Jacob answers "Didn't you hear him? He said 'I'm trusting you to take care of her'. The _you_ was _me_."

and "He was talking to _me_," Rose says

disagreeing with him

but i don't think she's right

because i think Edward trusts Jake more

with _some_ parts of me

the parts that might not take the best care of themselves

when things get quiet

the kind of quiet that settles around me when Edward isn't

which i think about now

and then decide that i was wrong too

because nothing's ever completely quiet for Edward

which makes me rephrase my question

and ask it again "When he gets back... you're leaving _then_, aren't you? It's why he went so quickly... so I wouldn't be without both of you at the same time."

and "My dad wants me to come home," he says to that

and of course he does

and i can't blame him for that...

because i know that my dad...

_would_ too if he could

but can't

_didn't_ get anything he wanted

because i was selfish

something–even though it's too late to do it for him–i have to stop being

"Of course you should go. I'm sure he misses you..."

"Maybe... but that's not what he said."

"What did he say?"

"That I didn't belong here... in this world you're a part of now. The one you chose."

"I didn't–"

"I know, Bella. And I told him that."

"But it doesn't change anything."

"Not to him, no. Because, to him, you chose it a long time ago."

i can't argue that either

because it's true

i did...

"So, when Edward gets back then?" i ask again

instead of the _You can go now_ that i should say

that neither of us wants to hear

any more than what i did

and _don't_ get an answer to


	71. Chapter 71

**there was a chapter posted yesterday. if you didn't get an alert, and don't pay attention to the ch numbers, go back one.**

71.

"They're bonding."

i roll my eyes at Emmett's pout

and his arms crossed over his chest

and then turn my attention back to my game of chess with Jasper

but he doesn't let it stay there "He was my friend first."

and after i correct him "Actually, he was mine."

i offer him a suggestion

a chess move of his own of sorts "Why don't you go help them?"

"Because I don't know that much about cars," he says "Or _trucks_. That's Rose's thing. And she told me to stay out of the way. _Their _way."

i roll my eyes again

because there's really no _their _way

and Rose and Jake _aren't _'bonding'

they're simply working together to fix my truck

that broke down months ago

as soon as i got back here with it

which i informed them of when Jake and Emmett wanted to use it

to bond i guess

which led to this

this fixing-not-bonding thing that's got Betty's panties in a jealous twist

because cars and trucks aren't his thing

and are–like his woman's–Jake's

and disrupting Jasper's and my they're-not-ours-either game on the garage floor

which i try to stop him from doing "Hey, Rose, let Emmett help!"

"NO!"

for naught apparently

and truly

because Jasper just kicked my ass

and is smiling at me truly smugly

because he won

and because i was distracted and he wasn't

because focus is his thing

and definitely not mine

especially if Edward's not around

with his sweet distracting pie

which gives me an idea

on what to do to distract Emmett

though a far less appetizing one than…

FAR less "Wanna go get something to eat, Emmett?"

that isn't to him than what he was thinking about "Hell yeah!"

AT ALL "Bye, Rose! I'm taking Bella out to dinner! DON'T wait up!"

but which only makes _her _roll her eyes now

and Jake roll with laughter

and me roll my fingers up into a fist

that i hold up in front of him

Emmett not Jake

as i ask a head-shaking Jasper if he wants to join us

which he also shakes his head to "I think it's better if I stay here."

before gesturing it to the would-bond-when-pigs-flew grease monkey duo "You know… just in case."

thank God he _can _focus…

because yeah…

they're getting along _now _but…

well i don't even want to think about– "Right. Good thinking, O Yellow-Crowned Gift of Mellow One."

"And good game," i add

because i'll give credit where it's due

something i hope to have another chance to DO when Edward gets back

amongst other things

that i'd like to give him

and show

hmmm...

_show..._

well i can work on one of those things right now "Come on, Emmett, let's go."

because i want to _fix _something too


	72. Chapter 72

72.

"Do you ever get used to it?"

"If you mean does it ever give you the once human-known pleasure of tearing into a big fat juicy steak, or whatever your equivalent to that would be... _no_. But if you mean does it ever go down easier, and not make you want to spit instead of swallow, then yes. In time."

i ignore the suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows

and his_ I'm so clever _(he thinks) cackle

and finish my meal

hoping it will give me more than the sustenance it could only ever

and that i could only ever take another life for

okay…

another _innocent _life

well...

um…

"What I did to them was nicer than what the bear was doing!"

"I know that, Bella. If anyone knows that, it's me."

"I wasn't talking to you…" i say now

though i don't think i needed to "I know that, too. You were talking to yourself. But uh… no offense or anything… I think you do way too much of that when Edward's not around, so–"

"Oh yeah, Mr. Know it All? And do you want to tell me now what choice I had?"

while you're wishing Jasper had made a different and come with us

"You didn't have any," he says

and takes a step back

telling me i was right about the wishing part

"Not like you do now… you know, to not hurt me. Me, your PAL."

"My PAL?" i ask

and roll my eyes

before i even hear his explanation

and "Yep!" he says

before he gives it to me "Your PAL. Like friend, but better. Cuz it stands for something, too. P for Pretty–if I do say so myself, which I do. A for Awesome–DUH. And L for Lug. Cuz I can't think of any other word for the letter L. Jake says it stands for _Leech_, but I don't like that. Or think it's funny like he does…"

i think it's kind of funny…

but that's only because he's never said it to or about me

not to my face anyway…

but whether Emmett and i are pals or not

we _are _the same

_mostly _

"Are my eyes still red?" i ask him

and take a step closer to him

though i know he could see before i did

and before he nodded

and then put his arm around me "Want to top off with some dessert?"

"Will it help?" i ask now

really hoping he'll say yes

which he does sort of

with another nod of his head

and a squeeze of me "I think so. Eventually. _PAL_."

"Then yeah," i say

and "Something _caramel _sounds good."

and let my smiling now PAL lead the way

while listening to whatever he wants to say

because he was right about one thing at least...

i've heard more than enough of myself


	73. Chapter 73

**aaaaaaaaaand we're back. **

73.

everyone was in one piece when Emmett and i returned to the house

and my truck was fixed and running like a champ

and spinning

sort of

because Jake was trying to do donuts with it in the snow

which wasn't really working but which didn't stop Emmett from jumping in the back of it for a donut-but-not ride

that after watching for a minute i stopped to go into the house

that was more quiet than usual

because the ticking that kept me company when no one else did _wasn't _anymore

and my clock wasn't on the kitchen wall anymore

the clock that's the same color as my truck

and my eyes that i want not to be

that i'm going to check to see if are any less as soon as i'm done checking something else

"What are you doing?" i ask Rosalie

who appears to be checking for something too

or _looking _for…

"The clock stopped. I was looking for batteries."

and "I don't have any," i tell her

and "Okay," she tells me

and hangs it back on the wall

pointlessly

and silently

the second of which starts to taunt me

and make me wonder about the first

out loud "Do you think it means anything?"

"Do I think _what _means anything?" she wonders back

"That it stopped," i say "The clock."

to which she says "Yes."

and then "I think it means that the batteries went dead. And nothing more, like whatever is running around now in your busy and crazy head."

and i let _crazy_ go because i hope she's right…

but "But what if–" i stop because Jasper's phone rings

just as he walks up to me and puts it at my ear

and "Edward?" i say into it with hope

before i'm greeted with a velvety and loving and hope-come-true "What's wrong, Bella?"

that i answer with a simple "Our clock stopped."

before adding "And I was afraid that–"

he doesn't let me finish my fearful out loud thought "You don't have to be afraid of anything ever again, Bella."

and "I don't?" i ask him

because i'd rather hear him talk than listen to myself

i'd rather hear him talk than ANYTHING...

well…

"No, Bella. You don't," he says

distracting me from my wandering thoughts

of what i might like hearing him do more

before he adds "And in forever you won't."

to which i say "OH YES I WILL!"

because my mind is still on and wanting to wander around in pie

which even though he can't know makes him laugh "I wish I could be in your head, Bella…"

to which "I'd rather have you somewhere else," i tell him

yanking him into it with me

and making him laugh again "I know, believe me."

which makes me chuckle shamelessly

before he says "And that I want to be _there_, too."

which makes me stop

and thinking about anything but "Please come back soon."

to which he says "I'm already on my way. With a present for you… that I hope you're not afraid of."

and to which i say "I'll never be afraid of anything again."

so he knows that i _did _hear him

and then "In forever I won't."

which i hope tells him i will always want to

no matter what he tells me

or _asks..._


	74. Chapter 74

74.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the vainest vampire girl of all?"

"Not me," i say to Jacob's reflection joining me in said mirror on the wall

"It's okay, Bella. You finally know what the rest of us always have… that you're hot."

"I'm not hot," i say

and turn around and touch him to prove it

and he rolls his eyes at me

and my icy point

and says "I wasn't talking about temperature."

and then "And you know it."

and he's right

i do

but i wouldn't have not so long ago

even though Edward did

and tried to tell me many times

"I'm sorry you do, Jake. Think I am, I mean. Or thought I was… _before_."

"I still think you are, Bella. Some things will never change. And you don't have to be sorry... I knew 'some things' wouldn't even before you did."

"Before I did?" i ask him

because i'm not sure what he means

and "Yeah," he answers

explaining it "Before YOU _changed_."

and "Oh," i say

and "Yeah" too

and "Of course that's what you meant."

because duh

"But I'm still sorry."

"It's okay. You're happy now. And hot _happy _Bella is way better than hot not. Well, except for the way you smell. That was way better before. And way hotter."

"Back atcha," i tell him

and crinkle my nose

at the smell part

not knowing what to say about the others

the one that i've never looked at him as

and the one that i only ever want to

but worry i never will if i _can_ SEE him

and he can see me

and smell

only

me and others like

and nothing and no one else not

so "Do you miss them?" i ask him

but he doesn't hear me

over the noise outside

and the smell

that's like his

and that's getting stronger

and closer

and taking him not

because it took him right out the door

him and everyone else that was in

everyone else except for me

who can't move at all

or do anything now but think about that clock on the wall in the kitchen

with its outstretched arms

that are stuck

and frozen

just like me

and mine

**..tq..**

**you know what's outside, right?**

**and one thing i want you to... i may intentionally not give you what it is tomorrow. i'd like to try to focus on something else without any distractions. it doesn't mean i'll be able to... but it's kind of my plan. so, if that works out, i probably won't see you here again until sometime Monday. and will hopefully see some of you? somewhere else tomorrow. **

**but to all of you... i'm honored for the chance to see you anywhere. xo**


	75. Chapter 75

**hi again. and sorry. AGAIN. i'm such a mess. :(**

75.

i have one form

one way i exist

and look

and sound

Jacob has _two_

and they couldn't be more different

and couldn't not tell me how much we are

different from each other

now

while i'm surrounded by same

same as me

and same as him

with some distance in between

that's going to get greater i know

because his same has come to take him

to a different place

than this one i told Edward i wanted to stay in

stay in with _him_

because since the first moment i saw him

and even through the ones when i couldn't anymore

it's _always _been HIM

a choice–though i had none (if you could see Edward for a single second you'd understand)–i made

and have to take responsibility for

and accept the consequences of

no matter how much those consequences hurt "They came to take you away," i say to Jake

in his wolfpuppy form

"Take you _home_."

because he has a different one

that he left

and stayed away from

for me

because maybe it's always been

i think

_me_…

for him

which– he nudges my hand with his furry head

a yes to both i think

the thing that i said

and the thing that he never did to me

with any words

and i give his furry head a light scratch

that i hope doesn't hurt him

and say "It's okay."

and "Hot _happy _Jake is way better, too."

and "I'll miss you."

to which i hear Emmett say "ME TOO."

which makes me laugh

which is different–so much different–than the crying i'd do if i could

for having to make a choice

and leaving my friend with none

and his other friends–his_ same_–with the same

which…

now that i think about it… "What the hell took you so long? Do you have any idea what could have happened to him out here all alone? What kind of friends are you?!"

which makes Jake show me the kind he is

still can be

to me

and show me MORE than i ever wanted to see…

and Jasper definitely

because he runs into the house and back out with a blanket

that Jake wraps around his waist like a towel after a shower

before he showers me with words "I wouldn't let them come with me. And I'm not exactly helpless… you know… the way you were when–"

"When I left you here," a voice that isn't his finishes for him

a voice that starts everything for me

and finishes

me

completely

with its beauty

and its responsibility-taking humility

that i've heard enough of

"We're past that. And we're going to _stay_," i say

and tear my eyes from him

to point them straight at Jake

something i think Edward does too

though maybe a little lower "Doesn't he own a shirt?"

and that gives me an idea

a brilliant one i think "You should give him yours."

that makes him smile

at my easily distracted mind

and my choice

that's still

and will always be

HIM


	76. Chapter 76

76.

Edward didn't give Jake his shirt

and he didn't give it to me either

after Jake left

not for good…

not that his leaving ever could be...

but to go talk to his friends

leaving me with my...

my...

well i'm not sure what to call him

or us

Edward and i

but i know "We're more than friends."

"Of course we are."

"A lot more, I think."

"I'm glad you think so, Bella," he says with a playful_ You're silly_ smile "I couldn't agree more."

"Oh, yes you could..." i say

and then repeat it

in a different way

when i reach back to the buttons of his shirt

that he gently pulled my hands away from just a minute ago

with his gentle "No."

that i pretend to have forgotten now

because i want him to agree more

a LOT more

but "How, Bella?" he says instead

and...

IS HE SERIOUS?

i have to spell it out for him? "_How_?"

"Yes, how?."

well if i do i do... "By giving me your shirt."

"Just my shirt?" he says with a _Oh, I get it now_ smile this time

that's really more of a smirk

that's REALLY SEXY…

even though he did it while pulling my hands away again

and one of his buttons with it

because i wouldn't let go of it

my souvenir

that isn't enough "Hell no. I want your pants, too. And–"

"I want you to want what's _in _them, Bella."

i do i do I DO! "HELLO?! Have you met me? I WANT IT."

"I didn't mean–"

"Well, I _did_."

"I know," he says

and sighs

and gets up from the bed that i'd like to break

with a look on his face that will break me if i don't take it away

so "What did _you _mean?" i ask him

and "Nothing, Bella. It's okay. Let's go back downstairs." is his answer

but not one that him saying or thinking makes me happy "Something you want could never be nothing to me, Edward."

"What you want isn't nothing to me, either, Bella."

"I know that."

"It's something."

"I have NO doubts about that…"

"A big something."

"Or THAT."

"And a really important."

isn't that what i've been trying to say all along?

yes

it IS

but in the wrong way apparently

to him

so i ask him again "What do you want me to want, Edward? That's in your pants? Besides what I already do?"

"Something that I have in my pocket," he says

and "Is it a wocket?" i ask

because i couldn't resist...

just like he can't resist smiling at me

again

with his "No."

and his "It's not a wocket."

and i really don't need to ask him anything else

because i think i know what it is

that thing in his pocket

because i know _him_

and what's important _to_

which even if i didn't i couldn't not know now...

when he pulls it out

the thing that's for me

that i have to take from him before he'll give me another

which i really do think he wants to do too

after he does this

this thing he gets down on one knee to do

opening the little box of soft velvet blue "This was my mother's."

and me

with the best possible velvet of all "Isabella Swan... I promise to love you every moment of forever. Would you do me the extraordinary honor of marrying me?"


	77. Chapter 77

77.

he looks nervous

and worried i think

like he's afraid i'll say no

or maybe just _I don't know_

but he doesn't have to be

because i'd never say either

to him

about this…

because _this _to _him_…

is everything

and because it is

is everything to me too

it's _I'm sorry for leaving you_

and _And for everything I said and did before_

and _I'll never do it again_

and _You belong in my world_

and _Because you ARE my world_

and _You own my heart_

and _You'll own the rest of me if you just give me yours_

and _And trust me with it_

_Imperfect me_

_And with the rest of you_

_Perfect you_

_PERFECT FOR ME you_

and a thousand other things i'm sure

that he doesn't need to say

and didn't

because what he said…

_Isabella Swan… I promise to love you every moment of forever. _

and asked…

_Would you do me the extraordinary honor of marrying me?_

was perfect

and all i needed to hear

to know the answer

_my _answer

for _my _him "Yes, Edward..."

who will be

MINE

"Of course I'll marry you."

forever

and completely

which… "Now, about your shirt…"

and which makes his beaming from my answer smile turn into a laugh

that i want to hear more of "And your pants…"

and do

before "They're all yours…"

YES!

"AFTER you give me your _hand_."

UGH!

damn beautiful _I want my way_ golden boy!

who i can't deny "You can have everything, Edward. Every part of me…"

"I can't wait to, Bella."

hello? "YOU DON'T HAVE TO."

"Yes, I do," he says

with an _I'm sorry_ smile

that i believe in

and even love

but hate too of course

and can't wait to make go away

REALLY can't…

and want to smack myself

for making it take longer to

by not giving him what _he _wants

my hand

that i didn't mean to keep from him

and don't now

and get a present for not

a beautiful means everything present

that i know is what he left me for this time

and rushed back to give me

so that he could get what he wanted more than anything

my golden boy

and know that he could keep

forever

_me_

lucky...

LUCKY...

golden _girl_

me

**..tq..**

**We all know the ring he gave her in the movie was hideous... so, if you want to see a pretty one... THIS ONE... I'll post it in my closet on fb. Are you in there? **


	78. Chapter 78

**okay, some of you _liked_ the movie ring... *(cringes and) raises hands in surrender* don't hate me. i still love you. **

**and this and every other one of my stories. i'm having MAJOR laptop problems. and that is the ONLY reason i haven't been around. :(**

**but it decided to work this morning, so here i am, giving you this and the heads up to what might stop me from doing it tomorrow, etc.**

78.

"It was awfully quiet up there," Emmett says as we come down the stairs

with a snicker

and i flip him off

before he can snicker at or say anything else

and i do it with the middle finger of my _left _hand

that's next to another

that exhibits another gesture

Edward's gesture

that Emmett sees with mine

and grins at

with a gesture of his own

a thumbs up

that i think Rose agrees with

but tells me in a different way that she does

a different and an unexpected

because she hugs me

before her brother that she changed me for

made me irrevocable for

before he could make himself for me

and take himself forever away from

instead of give himself forever to

like he just did

upstairs just now

because _she _did in that very same place

upstairs in our house

months ago

when i thought forever meant nothing

for me

because Edward had left me

for someone else to find

and…

i push those thoughts away

those clouded memories of pain

because they don't matter anymore

and can't be changed now

and _can _only be given worth

and meaning

that i see on my finger

and feel

and do both–and wear–proudly

because i do wear a beautiful sparkling symbol of love

a man's for a woman

Edward's father's for his mother

the people who gave him life

and his for me

because he chose it _for _me

life

the new life he was given after the one they'd given him was taken away from him

he _chose_ to live for me

because Rose chose for me to for him

something she's proud of i think

because she asks him something

before she hugs him "You're not still mad at me, are you?"

which makes him look at me

before he answers her

with a shake of his head

and a "I can't be."

and a "For what you did for me...and to her..."

and "Because it made what I tried to do _for _her worth something instead of the nothing it was."

which he's wrong about i think

now…

that everything lies before us

the possibilities of which… "Give your sister a hug, Edward. Because I need her."

"You need me?" Rose asks

after he does

with an unspoken _Thank you _i think

and after she kisses his beautiful cheek

with her _You're welcome_

and "Yes," i tell her "I need you. To help me plan a wedding."

and "I'm thinking _tomorrow_."

which makes Edward laugh

because he knows why

what my hurry is about

the hurry that Emmett yells "Hell yeah!" to

with another thumbs up

because he knows too

maybe

but that Jasper–who probably also knows–tries to slow down "Alice would kill you all. Or more likely just _me_–because Bella would probably protect the rest of you–if I stood by and let that happen when she wasn't here."

"Then you better tune up your skills, Mind Master," i tell him

before grabbing Rose's arm and dragging her up the stairs

while informing her of one detail that needs no discussion on the way "There will be no wedding cake. I'm having wedding _pie_."

and "And while I am, you all can go out for Elkshakes. Far, FAR out…"

because Edward wants to marry me

and said i would own him–_all _of him–when i let him

and owning Edward…

well…

there won't be anything quiet about that


	79. Chapter 79

**my brain is scattered, that's all i can say. focusing on anything for more than five minutes is a struggle. i have five open documents right now… UGH. :(**

79.

"A Bridezilla you are not, Bella."

"Nope, I'm definitely not, Rose."

Edward would never love a girl like that

who cared more about dresses and flowers and guest lists than about him

Edward would–and _does_–love a girl like me

a girl who _is _me

THE girl who doesn't

and cares only about him

and more about him than anything else

and because i do it doesn't matter what i wear to marry him…

or if my hair is up or down

or what color my lipgloss is

things that Alice would be fussing about if she were here

and trying to force me to fuss about

and focus on

which would only make me focus on fussing her up...

which i don't want to have to do

because i'm focused on something else

like what i _feel_

on the inside

what i felt when Edward asked me to be his forever

and then asked me for my hand

when what i was mostly thinking about and focusing on was what he was wearing before he did

and what i wanted him not to be still after

on the outside

because on the inside he was already dressed perfectly

because he was wearing _me_

his love for

and even his sorrow for when he wore it wrong

wore it _backwards_…

a way he'll never wear it again

because the Edward who came back for me

and found me turned inside out

instead of turned _off_

only wants to go forward

and that…

well it turns me on

even more than i already was for him

which i didn't think was possible…

but know now that was

because i am

so much so that i can't focus on anything else anymore

and run out through the bedroom door

and down the stairs

and straight into him

with so much force that i knock him down

and then again i think with my excited words "I can't wait to marry you, you beautiful, old fashioned, shirt-hoarding, irresistible boy!"

and my excited kiss

that is _too _maybe

because Emmett starts laughing

and trying to predict the future

with a bet "A hundred bucks says Edward won't survive their wedding night."

that i don't think is funny "Do you want to survive this one?"

like i don't the "Do _you_?" that i hear when the front door flies open

and that i see

as Alice appears in its place

with plans to rearrange my face i think

or re_decorate_ it…

and the rest of me

"Because I know what you were planning to do, Bella. WithOUT me. I _saw _it. And I'm not amused."

just like i'm not now? "I think you're confused, Alice. About who you're talking to. And where you are. This isn't Tokyo."

yeah she's definitely confused

but Rosalie's laughter behind me tells me _she _isn't

before she tells me whose side she's on

by telling Alice "She's had enough decisions made for her, Alice. So, take your trunk of Trucco back outside."

and i don't know what a Trucco is…

but i don't ask

because i have a more important question on my mind

about what Alice saw in hers "Did you see anything else? Anything _after _the other thing you saw?"

"Like what, Bella?" she asks me

ignoring Rosalie's order and bringing the trunk _in _instead of taking it out

in where Emmett can look inside of it

and does

because he didn't know what a Trucco was either

but does know what my question was about

and asks it with a snicker "She wants to know if she'll make herself a wedding night widow."

because it was about the same thing his bet was

which Edward tells me is off

and him as he flips him off

and then me off of him

because i was still on top of

and happy to stay

until now…

when i'm happy to stay _under_ him

where his second flip put me

"Don't worry about me, Bella…"

and his words will keep me "...because I'm not that easily breakable..."

and keep me _happily_ "...and am looking very forward to _my_ not having to worry..."

worry?

"...and discovering firsthand instead..."

discovering what instead, Edward? WHAT?

"...just how much you're not, either..."

YES!

"...anymore. _Finally_."


	80. Chapter 80

80.

i can't get Edward's words out of my head

his _looking very forward to_ words

and his _discovering _one that came after them

while i was under him

where he playfully put me

playfully and less gently than he's ever put me anywhere

because i'm not that easily breakable either

not anymore

not fragile and weak

and not vulnerable

and it's extraordinary

to me

that i'm not

and to him too i think

because he keeps looking at me

can't keep his eyes off of really

or his hands

though they touch me sweetly

and innocently

_mostly_

i don't know if i could call what he did a few minutes ago innocent

and don't think he'd really want me to

i was in the kitchen baking muffins for Jake and his friends

or it's what i was _trying_ to do anyway

feed hungry wolfboys

but all i was really accomplishing was making a mess

of the kitchen

that looked like the snow-covered front yard

because flour and sugar are white like snow

and were everywhere

because i haven't mastered gentle yet

and am an old pro at clumsy

which is where Edward came in

and smiled at me

and said i had something on my face

and swept it off with his thumb

and then smiled again

and said i had something lower too

something i looked down to see

on my blouse

that he accidentally on purpose broke a button off of

as he pretended to wipe the something off of it

and his fingers met my skin

that it once hid from him

the cool skin between my breasts

that got warm

like the look in his eyes

and the place between my– "Something smells really good, Bella."

yeah... _Edward_ does...

"I can't wait to dig in."

"Neither can I..."

"You're going to eat some?"

"Huh?" i ask

looking up at him

Jake him

who shakes his head at me

with a "Nothing."

and a "Nevermind."

and "Nevermind what?" i ask him

because i don't know what i should

and so he tells me "Everything probably. You had that_ Edward is dreamy_ look on your face, so..."

_oh_

well i could never nevermind _that_

but i know Jake would like to

which is why he said it

so "Okay." i tell him

and it makes him shake his head again

and say "Have. You _have_ that look on your face."

to which i say "I think I always will."

because i do think it

now

and will always i think

no matter what else is in my head

which i don't think he doubts

but still doesn't want to talk about "Well, as long as you don't burn my muffins..."

"I promise I won't, Jake."

"Want some help cleaning up while we wait?" he asks me "You made a huge mess."

and "You don't have to help me," i tell him "Because, like you said, _I_ made a huge mess."

"Yeah, but you made it for _me_," he tells me

with a smile

that he keeps on his face for _me_

as he looks down at my missing button

and then lower at my hand "And I don't want you to get your pretty new ring dirty. Well, more than you already did. You know, for me."

and "You don't?" i ask him now

and he shakes his head one more time

but in a different way than the two times before

with his "No..."

and his "Because _it_... and that _look_... are beautiful on you. And I want them _both_ to always be."

_uuuchgh_

**..tq..**

**aaaaaw, Jake! **


End file.
